As an alienated parent, have you ever asked yourself: "What kind of parent am I to feel happy when my child isn't here?" If you've ever caught yourself laughing with a friend, then immediately felt sick about it—you're not alone. We're often taught that suffering equals love. But what if those moments of joy aren't betrayal? What if they're actually your nervous system trying to keep you alive?

In this episode, we explore why allowing happiness doesn't mean you're moving on from your child—it means you're building the capacity to stay in this fight for years, not just days. We'll break down the difference between hedonic adaptation and grief-joy coexistence, examine the guilt that comes up when your child or others fault you for being happy, and walk through 10 specific reasons why it's not only okay, but actually wise to let some happiness in while you're grieving.

You'll learn why those small joys are signs of regulation (not indifference), how chronic suffering can actually harm your future reunion, and why your love is not on trial every time you smile. This conversation challenges the cultural script that says real love requires constant visible pain—and offers a more compassionate, sustainable path forward.

MAIN TALKING POINTS

1. The Guilt Trap: Alienated parents often feel they must stay visibly miserable to prove their love—but this belief is distorted and punishing
2. Grief-Joy Coexistence: You can be deeply grieving AND have moments of happiness—these aren't mutually exclusive states
3. Regulation vs. Indifference: Small joys are your nervous system regulating (trying to survive), NOT you becoming indifferent to your child
4. The Loyalty Bind: The false belief that "if I'm happy, I must not be grieving enough" keeps parents trapped in suffering
5. 10 Reasons Happiness is Protective:
6. • Preserves long-term capacity to advocate and function
   • Keeps your identity bigger than the alienation
   • Models resilience for your child's future self
   • Reduces risk of resentment toward your child
   • Lowers chance of self-destructive coping
   • Supports secure attachment energy for reunion
   • Interrupts alienating narratives about you being "broken"
   • Draws in the support network you deserve
   • Honors the full truth of your love
   • Prevents grief from becoming your only bond with your child
7. External Guilt: When your child or others fault you for being happy, it reveals the story THEY'RE in—not the depth of your love
8. The Misinterpretation: Those pockets of okayness don't mean you're adapting to life without your child—they're your body saying "I need a moment to breathe so I can keep going"

KEY TAKEAWAYS

✓ Your love is not on trial every time you smile

✓ Chronic unrelenting stress burns out your nervous system—moments of happiness act like micro-reboots

✓ If you forbid yourself healthy pleasure, your system will reach for unhealthy escapes

✓ A parent with access to playfulness and warmth will feel safer to your child during reunion than one whose world is only rage and collapse

✓ Building a life that includes genuine happiness directly contradicts the alienating narrative that you're "broken" or "unstable"

✓ Real love is big enough to hold both the aching absence AND the capacity to find beauty in other things

✓ Don't make pain the only connection—grief itself can become the relationship if you're not careful

✓ Your happiness now is building the emotional flexibility you'll need to co-regulate with your child later

Are your kids pushing you away? Learn the 7 essential communication skills that help alienated parents rebuild trust and create safety—even when your child seems unreachable. These aren't magic wands, but they work by helping you to show up with intention as the supportive and loving parent you are and want to be.

What if the memories of your child didn't have to feel like landmines? In this episode, I share how to reclaim your power over memories—so they become sources of connection instead of pain. Learn the nervous system tools that helped me stop running from photos, songs, and reminders, and start honoring my relationship with my daughter on my own terms.

Main Talking Points

1. The Running Pattern: Many alienated parents spend years running—from abuse, harassment, and eventually from their own memories. Even sweet memories can trigger the body's escape response.

2. Window of Tolerance as Your Guide: Using your nervous system's "window of tolerance" (the range where you can think and feel simultaneously) helps you approach memories without drowning or dissociating.

3. Titration & Pendulation: These trauma-informed techniques teach you to work with memories in small, manageable doses—like adding drops instead of gulping the whole thing at once.

4. The Avoidance-Flood Cycle: Alienated parents often swing between two extremes—either avoiding all reminders (enshrining rooms, blocking songs) or doom-scrolling through photos while completely activated.

5. Recontextualizing Memories: Painful memories often become "muddied" with shame, terror, or trauma narratives. The work is separating what happened from the story you've attached to it.

6. Taking Back Control: Instead of letting algorithms, songs, or your ex control your emotional state, you can decide when, how, and how long to visit memories.

7. Normalizing Your Grief: While parental alienation isn't "normal" for most people, it is your reality. Fighting against "what is" creates suffering—acceptance creates space for healing.

8. Sacred but Accessible: Memories can remain sacred while also being part of your everyday life, not locked away on an untouchable altar.