You're Wearing That?

Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation

By: Deborah Tannen

Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell

Length: 9 hrs and 29 mins

Publisher's summary

Deborah Tannen's number one New York Times best seller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s lives: the mother-daughter relationship.

It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language - but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.

Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three - hair, clothes, and weight - while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves? Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter.

She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.

With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Listeners will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves in the stories and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication.

Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.

“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." (The San Francisco Chronicle)

©2006 Deborah Tannen (P)2006 Books on Tape

Mother’s and Daughters and other communications

Loved information about expectations a views-that differed, how changing ways communication helped their relationships. I think this is what therapy helps with, but few mothers and daughter will go to therapy to improve their situation. I believe the same is true when it comes to passivity, aggressiveness and assertiveness therapy would be so beneficial, but people are afraid to seek therapy though they need it.

Bittersweet Book

I read this book with my mom and in the midst of reading it, I lost her, so we were not able to finish it together. I made it my goal to finish it before the end of the year for 2 reasons: (1) Live up to the commitment my mom & I had to finish the book and (2) To prepare me for the birth of my daughter next month. I found so many examples of my relationship with my mom in the stories on these pages, but also took comfort in knowing that my mom and I had an unique relationship that will carry on in my relationship with my own daughter. Great read and perspective! Highly recommend to read with your mom!

A little more clarity -

I downloaded this thinking that it would help me communicate better with my teenage daughter and I ended evaluating my relationship with my own mother more. Although it was a good audiobook, I feel that I was a little misled and perhaps that was my own doing. Of course my relationship with my daughter is the same - but I understand now why my mother and I have the relationship we have.

Very, Very enlightening!

I love this book. I feel like years of very confusing interaction or lack of interaction altogether is suddenly clear. I would certainly recommend this to any mother or daughter that feels like your relationship with the other is an encryption that can't be broken and this book makes you realize the words you use, it is of course up to the readers to be honest with themselves about the message in their words.

For every mother and every daughter

Any additional comments?

The answer to a struggle that I barely knew existed. I will be sharing with my daughter and daughter-in-law.

I’m not alone!

For decades I thought my Mother and I had a uniquely dysfunctional relationship. This book made me realize that we were normal and I wasn’t the monster I thought I’d been in my younger years. THANK YOU!!!

Good info but depressing

I found that after listening to many of the chapters, I found myself depressed and feeling hopeless about mother’s and daughters relationships, conversation styles and meta messages. I hung in there recognizing many of the mistakes I have been making with my own daughters. In the end however, I gained valuable perspective. I whole heartedly recommend this book. I wish I had this insight 30 years ago.

Very Informative

I am finding I am comparing my experience with my mother during and after the narrator's readings of different second-hand cases. I wish Tannen had compiled those cases without having to use word for word transcriptions. It's a little confusing. But the insight afterwards is immeasurable. My mother and I have a relationship that rings true with the psychology and findings.
I would have liked Tannen to read her own work. But the narrator is fine. I even asked my mother if she would look into the book after I finished listening to it. This is an amazing and detailed self-help/psychology book.

Organized summary of Mom vs adult Daughter dynamic

The research feels more like a collection of consistencies found in multiple anecdotal stories than a true scientific study, but the author certainly sounds like she knows what she is talking about and helped me see parallels in the people I am close to. The way ideas and patterns are summarized makes it easy to understand and believe. Solid book overall.

Awesome

Excellent book to read for all mothers and daughters. See the perspective of both sides.