Where the River Flows

By: Rachel Havekost

Narrated by: Rachel Havekost

Length: 10 hrs and 19 mins

Publisher's summary

Where the River Flows is an honest, heartbreaking poetic account of how my divorce catapulted me down a yearlong obsession to find the answer to the burning question I had every single day after my husband asked me for a divorce:

"Why?"

Was it my inability to show him love like he'd told me? Was it an old attachment wound, still unhealed and bubbling at the surface? Was it the sexual trauma I'd never resolved and carried into our marriage? Was it my very real and frequent urge to end my life?

Or was it him? Was it his lack of understanding for my mental illness? His lost patience for me as I tirelessly worked through old wounds in therapy? Stress from the yearlong motorcycle trip of his dreams that I vowed to go on, and did just after our wedding day?

As I spiraled myself around this question and fell deeper and deeper into a depression, as the binges became more intense and the purges returned for the first time in years, as the urges to die grew stronger and when I curled myself in a ball on the shower floor, banging my fists against my belly like I'd first done 17 years before, I started to believe that what my husband said to me in our last few days together might be true:

"It's like there are three people in our marriage. You, me, and your eating disorder. And sometimes, I think you love her more than me."

If you or someone you know has struggled with an eating disorder, sexual or developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, suicidal thinking, divorce, grief, then it is my hope you will find yourself and your loved ones in this memoir.

You are not alone.

©2021 Rachel Havekost (P)2022 Rachel Havekost

This book made me feel seen

Equal parts heartbreaking and inspiring, this book has reminded me that you are never alone in your experiences.

I only wish I’d read it sooner

I’ve never read anything so cathartic. The writing is beautifully done. Readers can expect honest, raw recollections that feel like you’re hearing from a trusted friend who loves you enough to tell you the real truth rather than a more comfortable or easy version. Although the stories detail a healing journey and the events from which healing is required, there is such a beautifully created space between the words for joy, hope, and perseverance. The real kind. Not platitudes or bs. On a personal note, this book validated visceral pain that I’ve felt like no one else has been able to see in me no matter how hard I try to connect. But it has also empowered me to continue in my efforts to heal and grow by showing me the strength and beauty in the choice to do so. Thank you, Rachel for telling your important story. I will recommend this book over and over again.

Beautifully raw, emotional, and real

Rachel did an amazing job writing and narrating tips book. Her ability to describe emotions and paint clear pictures of her experiences had me feeling so connected to each part of her journey. she communicates in a way that reminds me I'm not alone in my own struggles and triumphs. this book is so beautifully raw and human and I was sad for it to end. I'm left longing for more of Rachel's writing.

Gutwrenching , Raw, Relatable

So much vulnerability and rawness went into sharing her life with others so that we too might be able to learn something from her healing journey. Worth the read.

Depressing

If I weren’t depressed enough. This book has no hope that I had to stop listening to it.