Chelsey Brooke Cole and Tami discuss narcissistic personality structure and how to identify if someone is a narcissist. They consider myths of narcissism, the narcissistic cycle and how hoovering shows up, and the look and feel of various narcissistic types. They then answer participant questions about narcissist behavior, options for healing, and a realistic look at a future in a partnership with a narcissist.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:20] Hoovering and other narcissistic buzzwords.

[3:58] Chelsey's personal experience with narcissism.

[5:01] Debunking common myths about narcissism.

[9:20] Typical behavoirs of a narcissist.

[13:20] The defense mechanisms for the insecure, fragile ego of a narcissist.

[19:53] Characteristics of the six types of narcissists.

[25:05] Sex addiction and the narcissist.

[31:57] The narcissistic cycle of abuse, including hoovering.

[37:49] What triggers the Hoover phase?

[48:37] What happens if you decide to stay?

[49:45] Are there drawbacks to seeking a narcissist diagnosis?

[51:27] How can you gray rock a narcissist so they don't get escalation tactics?

[53:02] Is it a bad idea to point out narcissistic tendencies in your partner?

[54:09] Is narcissism treatable?

[56:17] Does my partner's behavior indicate narcissism?

[58:10] Do narcissists know what they are doing?

[1:00:21] What is the best approach to address the abuse of narcissistic traits used to self-protect and control?

[1:02:03] Can a narcissist develop empathy for their partner, and what does treatment involve?

[1:04:31] Is narcissism a mental health condition?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "Narcissism is not a diagnosis, it's a personality style and trait."

• "All narcissists, even the ones who will self-report having high self esteem, are subconsciously insecure pathologically."

• "Narcissistic abuse is like being in the middle of a tornado but not knowing it's a tornado."

• "Feeling desperate is not the same as being accountable."

• "Real accountability ends with you, Hoover statements always end with them."

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about co-regulating, couples healing, betraying partners who continue to minimize and resources to help betrayed partners move forward. They also address maladaptive behaviors and coping mechanisms, the power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness, and the importance of honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:50] How can I tell if my partner is becoming regulated again?

[6:27] Physical signs that your partner is getting upset.

[9:20] What is defined as a crisis, and when do you talk about it?

[18:20] What is the practical difference between addiction and problematic porn?

[21:45] Why is your spouse not your priority?

[27:43] The power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness.

[31:30] Three follow-up questions about recovery resources.

[33:10] Is there any hope for a future that is not dominated by betrayal?

[38:10] Honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal.

[45:46] How can I get past the egregious images of his betrayal?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "It is the addict's responsibility to set aside their own crisis until the partner feels heard and supported."

• "The more you grow in your recovery, the more capacity you will have."

• "How are you supporting yourself?" And if he's not listening to you, do you have people in your life who are?"

• "Your relationship may never improve, but you don't have to feel damaged."

• "Even if your partner chooses not to do the work, that does not have to define who you are."

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami explore the uncomfortable truths of emotional regulation, the importance of sitting with emotional discomfort, and realistic expectations for betrayal addicts and their partners to see improvements in their relationship. They then answer listener questions about emotional regulation techniques, timeframes, and the motivation behind seeking to be an emotionally regulated partner in a relationship.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:33] The hard truth of staying emotionally present.

[4:34] Roadblocks to developing emotional leadership.

[7:08] What emotional leadership isn't.

[10:29] What emotional leadership is.

[18:30] Your partner is seeking safety, not explanations.

[20:33] Dialogue for emotionally stable conversations.

[22:35] The role of healthy conflict in healing.

[28:19] "You are asking a lot of the betrayed partner."

[33:32] The person in pain and grief never gets to take a timeout from the nightmare. Why should their partner?

[35:17] Is this a slip or relapse?

[38:36] How can I better manage my emotions in the moment?

[40:20] How long should recovery work take?

[43:02] How can I correct after I become disregulated?

[45:43] How long will it take to feel confident and see results in my relationship?

[47:40] My partner ran away, how long should I give him to process?

[49:58] Body language recommendations.

[53:47] How do I know if emotional regulation techniques are working for me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "You cannot establish emotional leadership if you can't emotionally regulate yourself."

• "Emotional leadership is not about winning. It's about the way you handle emotional distress when things become uncomfortable."

• "Safety, not explanations, is what your partner's nervous system is seeking in order to regulate."

• "You can be factually correct and absent at the same time."

• "Demonstrating emotional leadership is not a one-time performance."

Dr. Skip Speer and Tami answer participant questions about missing a partner who has betrayed you, strategies for opening up in honest and helpful ways, timelines for dedicating time to recovery resources, and appropriate dialogue to have with family and friends during recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:04] What is my role in holding the pain of my betraying partner?

[6:50] Seeking Integrity resources that are available to navigate unhealthy relationships.

[7:58] What treatment options are available to a narcissistic sex addict betrayer?

[13:24] How and when should we approach discussing our situation with family and friends?

[17:10] How can I open up as the betrayer and address the tough topics with my partner?

[23:37] Do I need to discuss being a 12-Step sponsor with my spouse?

[27:20] Is it normal to miss my betraying spouse?

[30:51] How can we navigate my partner's addictions with our children?

[36:15] Which support groups offer accountability instead of enablement.

[43:29] Can betrayed partners have traits of love addiction?

[44:31] How can I avoid getting pulled in to my sex addict partner's lies?

[50:02] How do I know when it's time to adjust the amount of time we spend on recovery resources?

[54:14] How can I possibly initiate sex after the years of my partner's betrayal?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "If a person is willing to engage in therapy and get in and do the work, there is hope."

• "The more you focus on healing for you, the faster you will heal."

• "Things may be bad, but they will get so much worse if you keep holding onto it."

• "No addict changes unless the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same."

Dr. Skip Speer and Tami talk about doomscrolling and hopescrolling, the features of each, and how to tailor your algorithm to lift you up at every stage of recovery. They then answer participant questions about sex addiction, including narcissism, gaslighting, and therapist obligations as mandatory reporters.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:49] Doomscrolling versus hopescrolling – how to engage in what serves you.

[7:01] Using your phone to numb out? Try this instead.

[8:50] What is the difference between a CSAT and a regular therapist?

[13:25] Do we really need a couples therapist?

[20:24] The importance of accountability in therapy.

[26:57] Programs for sex addiction with narcissistic traits.

[37:25] The danger of denial in recovery.

[41:03] Dealing with a sex offender changes the recovery game.

[44:49] Key differences between narcissism and sociopathic behaviors.

[46:45] How can I financially separate myself from my betraying partner?

[50:05] My partner is looking at underage porn. Should I report him?

[54:33] Is the term 'gaslighting' used too loosely?

[56:30] What are the obligations of a mandatory reporter?

[58:30] What is the likelihood that underage porn addicts will ever ask for help if they know they will be reported?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "It feels better to comfort than confront, but at the end of the day, recovering addicts need accountability."

• "In real recovery, we're looking for anything that is problematic or helping us escape in unhealthy ways."

• "You know what your partner is not willing to do. So what are you willing to do?"

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses therapeutic separation as an effective intervention for couples struggling with the impact of betrayal and addiction. She highlights the structure of therapeutic separation as a compassionate approach to help both individuals regain safety, clarity and hope in the relationship. She and Tami then answer participant questions about therapeutic separation, when it's the right next move, and what to do when it didn't resolve your relationship issues.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] The possibilities with therapeutic or healing separation.

[2:07] Common scenarios in couples dealing with betrayal.

[3:00] Is therapeutic separation right for my relationship?

[6:04] The purpose and plan of therapeutic separation.

[10:34] Realistic separation timelines and action plans.

[17:47] Addressing common therapeutic separation fears.

[24:57] Managing the message to others.

[29:45] What to do when you're stuck.

[32:11] The importance of regular therapist check ins.

[36:32] How does therapeutic separation end?

[40:16] What is the difference between sobriety and recovery?

[47:54] My partner is gaslighting me. Would in-home separation help?

[52:19] How do I know if my partner is really doing the work?

[57:08] Therapeutic separation didn't work. How do I move forward?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "Therapeutic separation aims at creating stability, safety, and gives each individual time to gain insights."

• "As you define clear goals and understand the purpose of therapeutic separation, it becomes a roadmap for healing."

• "In therapeutic separation, both partners are fully committed to doing their recovery work."

• "All of this is scary, but the scariest thing is staying stuck."

Dr. Jessica Lamar, Licensed Mental Health Therapist, explores unseen wounds and understanding disenfranchised grief and betrayal trauma. What is disenfranchised grief, and why does it matter? Dr. Lamar overs betrayal trauma, emotional and psychological impact, healing, and support strategies. She and Tami then answer participant questions about grief and boundaries, conversations and resources that are available to help navigate grief.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Intro.

[2:58] Defining ambiguous loss – am I even in grief?

[4:40] Disenfranchised grief is a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned.

[6:02] Examples of disenfranchised grief as it relates to betrayal trauma.

[11:30] Ambiguous losses that are associated with betrayal trauma.

[13:56] When betrayal occurs, the resulting grief is often disenfranchised.

[15:47] Statements that are commonly heard in disenfranchised grief.

[18:36] The psychological and emotional impact of disenfranchised grief.

[24:12] Strategies for empowering ourselves after loss.

[27:34] Common ways we invalidate grief after betrayal.

[29:45] How can I validate myself in my grief?

[37:04] Interventions to help navigate disenfranchised grief.

[41:35] What resources are available to better understand and process grief.

[44:20] What dialog can we use to better communicate with extended family members who will not allow space for grief?

[47:35] How can I navigate anticipatory grief when I don't know what is actually going to happen?

[48:55] How can I ever start dating again after betrayal?

[50:49] What if the person who feels unsafe to me is a therapist?

[52:28] What is appropriate to say to our adult children?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "When a loss isn't socially recognized, the grieving process can be isolating and difficult to navigate."

• "The lack of validation can make the pain even more isolating."

• "When we are alone with our betrayal trauma and our grief, we can start to invalidate our own feelings."

• "Navigating disenfranchised grief and betrayal trauma requires real, intentional effort to heal."

• "No one has the right to tell people what is or isn't a loss."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Eddie Capparucci addresses the struggle of many men to show empathy, especially those who have dealt with childhood trauma and emotional neglect. He warns of the dangers of labels and offers insights into the biological and neurological factors that affect empathy. Then he and Tami answer participant questions about empathy in relationships, with strangers, and in and out of the home.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] The link between problematic sexual behaviors and a lack of empathy.

[3:00] Empathy is learned in childhood.

[7:18] When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down.

[8:46] The biological component of empathy.

[12:23] Timing plays a critical role in the development of empathy.

[15:07] Healing the brain and cultivating empathy.

[24:07] Emotionally cold or emotionally dysregulated?

[28:45] Why is my spouse empathetic with everyone except me?

[33:09] Why do I seek stranger validation more than closeness with my partner?

[35:35] My husband had plenty of empathy when courting me. What happened?

[40:50] The neurological danger of viewing porn.

[41:22] Lack of empathy or autism spectrum?

[45:38] Where to find the feelings wheel.

[46:48] Why is it easier to be empathetic with someone who's upset with someone else than someone who is upset with me?

[49:41] Can these same principles apply to women?

[52:00] How will we know when we are ready for couples work?

[55:10] My husband feels judged when I ask him to be accountable.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down."

● "Trauma and emotional neglect do not damage every child's empathy circuit in the same way."

● "The brain can heal and empathy can be cultivated."

● "Emotional regulation is recovery."