Horde

By: Ian Thomas Healy

Narrated by: Nicholas Jermyn

Orcs used to be a fearsome fighting force, and the unleashing of the Horde brought terror to Humans, Elves, and Dwarves time and time again over the centuries. Nowadays, there aren't any more Ultimate Evils, Necromancers, or Dark Wizards left to hire the Horde.

Paug Blumpkin is smart for an Orc (rather like saying he's smart for a box of hair). He's bored of training with the rest of the Horde for a war that will never come, and he's definitely tired of polishing his helmet. So he decides to set off in search of adventure, bringing along his cheerfully idiotic brother Milph, who has a regular habit of forgetting his pants. When they mug a Wizard while he's answering Nature's Call, they discover a treasure map (conveniently hidden in his Elven pornography), and thus begins their very own Quest Perilous. There's a powerful magical artifact halfway around the world, and Paug decides he's going to get the Tome of Unknowable Mysteries first. When he learns a celebrated Human hero is after the same booty, the race begins.

With Milph using the stolen Wizard's wand (badly), a Barbarian warrior-woman named Petunia bringing the muscle, a lousy gambler named Hodak the Inconsequential (who happens to be fourteenth in line for the throne), and a Halfling thief named Gilpin with a chip on his shoulder, the companions head out into the great untamed wilderness, where death lurks behind every tree (and occasionally is the tree itself).

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