Dying to Be Thin

The True Story of My Lifelong Battle Against Anorexia

By: Nikki Grahame

Narrated by: Yaz Shah

Length: 9 hrs and 21 mins

Publisher's Summary

”The figure looking back at me was little more than a skeleton with just a thin layer of tissue paper for skin, drawn over the stick-like bones. I stood staring for a good couple of minutes, considering what I'd become. And my verdict? Brilliant, I thought. It's been worth every moment of all that hard work.”

Say the name Nikki Grahame and most people will remember the bubbly, highly strung and hugely entertaining Big Brother 7 contestant. Since leaving the Big Brother house, she has forged a successful career for herself in presenting and writing. Yet Nikki isn't just another reality television contestant and her life story is not like any other you will ever read.

From the age of eight until she was nineteen, Nikki battled anorexia nervosa but few cases have been quite as extreme as hers. Aged just eight and weighing just under three stone, Nikki was diagnosed as anorexic.

For the next eight years, she was in and out of institutions - seven in total - during which time she attempted suicide twice and had to be sedated up to four times a day so that she could be force-fed. At one point, she was sedated for fourteen days while doctors sewed a tube into her stomach, through which she was fed in order to get her weight out of the critical range. The lengths that she went to avoid eating and find ways to exercise excessively shocked doctors who have worked in the field for years. As Nikki says, “I've always wanted to be the best at everything I do, so I had to be the best anorexic - and I was.”

This compelling book tells the story of an incredible journey.

©2010 John Blake Publishing (P)2013 Prospero Media

R.I.P Nikki

Very intense story. I googled her name and found she had relapsed during the pandemic and passed away on April 9, 2021. R.I.P.

inspiring

Wow! This story was very close to my heart as I am someone that has struggled with anorexia and bulimia for many many years. Like the author I was hospitalized and put into treatment centers and when I would come home- I would go back to my old habits. I’m so glad that Nikki was able to find her way in this book. Her honesty and determination are striving force in recovery. My only wish for Nikki is that she would have been able to continue to fight her demons and the monster that is anorexia. I was so sad to learn when I googled her last night that did succumb to her anorexia. What an inspiring story with such a tragic ending.

Loved it!

It captured my attention and my heart! Would highly recommend! Describes the battle and the recovery beautifully…

sad story and sad woman

so desperate to feel unique and keeps validating herself it's funny and sad to witness

Respect

I have so much respect for Nikki after reading this. When I initially watched BB I just thought she was a spoiled brat that I still loved because she was so endearing. This explained so much and dispelled many of the doubts I had about her. It also helps other people who are struggling with an eating disorder of how bad it can get and what you miss out on when you do go down the rabbit whole.

Not What You Might Think

Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?

Not necessarily. I am more interested in the professional treatment & analysis of eating disorders. This book is a bit on the sensational side from that perspective, notwithstanding that I believe it to be an honest account from the author's viewpoint.

What was most disappointing about Nikki Grahame’s story?

There is a giant piece missing in this book that only Nikki's caregivers could possibly provide. It seems highly improbable to me that Nikki simply "woke up" one day & decided she'd had it with her anorexia & wanted to be better. Something psychologically was going on all those years that changed. What that might be is far more intriguing to me than the fact that this self-absorbed young lady wound up on Big Brother (a show I've never watched). While it is none of our business, my guess is problems at home were much deeper & Nikki's psychological problems more far more intense than even this dramatic book would reveal. From this account, it would seem that one can simply change her mind one day & go from the brink of death to stardom. That is not reality -- & certainly not for hundreds of young women suffering from eating disorders. Might they not now think that even though there will be pain along the way they might end up the same way? And what result when they do not?

What else would you have wanted to know about Nikki Grahame’s life?

Accounts directly from others -- mom, dad, sister, caregivers. Anorexia is not well understood & I don't think it can be understood simply from the point of view of the person affected. This is a disease with poor insight & the person affected is not the only one walking a hellish road. Perhaps this book is not the right forum, but I am interested in what approaches to Nikki's care were discussed with her parents.

Insightful and honest

A vivid and honest account of how destructive Anorexia can be. The level of detail made it very interesting and the descriptions of the various units helped me visualise what Nikki's time as an inpatient must have been like. Upon listening to the book, I thought she was very brave as so much of herself is revealed. At the points where she hits rock bottom, it's hard to hear and I did have to take breaks. Well worth reading if you are interested in child and adolescent mental health.

Sad, at the same time amazingly brave!

Wow Nikki’s journey.... gob smacked at the thought her illness started at a young age.. shows how all parents must tell their kids to tell you about any forms of bullying.. one mean comment can have such a strong impact on a vulnerable child.

Nikki was not weak she was strong minded.

This Gov is responsible for her death, she’d battled anorexia most of her life and this ‘lockdown’ took her away... when will the Gov take responsibility for her death? RIP Nikki 😢🥺

Top draw

Absolutely loved this book it was amazing.. I'm going to read it again it was that interesting. poor girl she had an awful childhood growing up . Felt sorry for her

Heatbreaking but heart warming

Such a sad story on one individuals struggle, such a sad loss of life. Amazing book

Emotional and sad tale

I downloaded after I'd heard of nikki's passing. She'd been through so much from such a young age and it's scary to know she went through so much to get where she needed to be. I'm just sorry it took her life in the end :(

Brilliant

As a sufferer myself, this book really hit home. So brave to share her secrets! Well done

Wow

Wow. What a story. Couldn’t put it down. Soo sad what this illness can do

Heartbreakingly beautiful

I felt so sad listening to this. Sad because the trauma that Nikki experiencedas a child was absolutely horrific, she literally lost her childhood age 8 when she was first institutionalised. I cannot begin to imagine what that was like. And then triumph over adversity, that she turned things around and found happiness. And then sadness, knowing that lockdown killed Nikki. Nevertheless, she packed a huge amount into her life and is a positive example of overcoming the horrors of anorexia.

Excellent performance by Yaz, nuances were amazing!

Wish Nikki had narrated!

Listening to this interesting and moving book after Nikki has died is so sad. It is a huge shame that she didn’t narrate this book herself - what a missed opportunity that was. The narrator couldn’t sound more different (even pronounces the word “room” in that posh way “rum”) and so the audible version loses out because I’m sure you would hear Nikki’s voice if you read it yourself.

Apart from that, the book is incredible and mostly deals with the anorexia rather than the BB experience. Fascinating and horrifying to hear about Nikki’s childhood experience with this dreadful condition. I was shocked that people tried to feed her things like lamb chops and burgers even as recently as the 1990s when I would have thought soups and other healthy and more palatable foods would have been more successful! Also, as long ago as the 1970s I was at school with a girl who was hospitalised with anorexia so I didn’t understand the sentiment (also from her mother in TV interviews) that childhood anorexia was somehow a new thing.

amazing 👏

absolutely loved this book i was a massive fan of nikki i never could bring myself to read/listen due to suffering with a eating disorder myself when I was young I thought it may be a trigger for me ! but it wasn't and I felt emotional at the end as I know she sadly lost her battle to this illness rest in peace nikki 💔 😔 thank you for your book you will inspire other suffers to know they is a life out there worth living ❤