COMPUTERS ARE SATANIC

By: Glen Hadley

Narrated by: Virtual Voice

It's 1987. America has thirty million personal computers. The monitor glows. The fan hums. The screen saver runs in the empty room, directed at the empty chair, and no one is asking what it's doing.

Dr. Glen Hadley is asking.

Computers Are Satanic is a full-length parody self-help book written in the voice of a completely sincere, completely unhinged wellness researcher who has spent a year in his Scottsdale home office with a color-coded binder, a Selectric II typewriter, and a growing certainty that the American public deserves to know the truth about CTRL+ALT+DEL.

Hadley analyzes the Apple logo bite (it's right there), the 72Hz refresh rate (not a coincidence), the modem handshake (your machine made a deal without you), and the em-dash (a separate chapter). He provides crystal placement diagrams, a 47-point home invasion checklist, and emergency exorcism procedures for possessed hardware, which he includes for trained practitioners only and for which he assumes no liability.

Played completely straight, never winking, thoroughly researched in its fake research, and genuinely funny in the way that only absolute commitment to an absurd premise can be — Computers Are Satanic is the self-help book of 1987 that 1987 desperately needed and wisely did not have.

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