Avoidant

How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner
Narrated by: Joe Farinacci
Length: 5 hrs and 29 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars (306 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

Jeb Kinnison's previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of people to JebKinnison.com, where the most asked-about topic was how to deal with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many now in troubled marriages who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who'd like help deciding if they should stick with it.

People in relationships with avoidants struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. The avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well - retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give.

The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is).

Yet there is some hope - though it may take years and require educating the avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication; if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done.

©2014 Jeb Kinnison (P)2015 Jeb Kinnison

What members say

Average Customer Ratings

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Worth a listen!

As a person married to an avoidant I learned a great deal. Especially, that there is hope. I always wondered what was wrong, why my husband didn't take my needs into consideration, and thought that I was the problem... I'm an anxious avoidant. This book gave me a lot of information and my husband is listening to it too and finds it beneficial. We are practicing kindness and empathy!

18 people found this helpful

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Derogatory towards woman/outdated/ female shaming

I was so looking forward to listening to this audiobook as I am a fan of John Gottman. I am 50 years old, with 2 daughters and I am a business owner- co owner with my husband. I was quite surprised how the author always refers to the caregiver as the mother and places blame on her ( references always dictated as the mother and not the father)
at fault for attachment difficulties. I can listen to this audiobook and gather tidbits that may contribute to aspects of improvement in my life, thankful that I have zero tolerance to a book that takes a narcissist view of child rearing, neglecting the father’s role and impact of his presence, and in fact blaming the mother for outcomes of the child.

18 people found this helpful

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Helpful, but could be more so

This was a good book to listen to, particularly after determining the attachment styles for myself and of the important people in my life. I did not think the narrator was very engaging, but it wasn't too bad. This book seems to be one that might be better in print, but I got along fine with the audio version. Though the information was helpful, I did get the impression that the author is a bit too judgmental and critical of avoidants, even though my purpose for going through this book was to determine next steps with the avoidant(s) in my life. I do recommend it, but maybe not enthusiastically.

5 people found this helpful

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Stop while you are behind

This book wasn’t for you, but who do you think might enjoy it more?
I think books like these may do more harm than good. I was like aha I have figured out the mystery to relationships and realized we are all doomed. Far too black and white and not true. Some of us avoid and some of us cling but that does not mean either party is wrong. Don't demonize your spouse instead look in the mirror, pull your own planks.

Would you listen to another book narrated by Joe Farinacci?
Greal narration and for that reason I took it far too seriously.

If you could play editor, what scene or scenes would you have cut from Avoidant?
Nothing, great book.

Any additional comments?
Yes I think there is hope for most every relationship. I think we are all a little narcissistic. I also believe if we gave a little more than we received we would be loved a little more every day. Relationships are investments, treat yourself like your new car or your brand new house , cherish your relationship. On that note read the book Cherish.

14 people found this helpful

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Author Holds No Quarter

There's no sugar coating here. Be prepared to take a good look at your ugly self.

8 people found this helpful

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One step closer to better you

I strongly suggest this book for anyone that is struggling to find understanding and clarity in an otherwise confusing and/or frustrating relationship ... especially one that seems to be conflicting, hypocritical and misleading.

6 people found this helpful

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Useful

A good companion to John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Especially if you have a "stonewalling" spouse.

4 people found this helpful

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Don't Even Think About Dating an Avoidant!

Save yourself some heartache. Learn how to spot these individuals and steer clear of them. This book helped me understand that it's really NOT me.

10 people found this helpful

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Great Read?

For anyone looking to understand themselves better as well as the closet people in their lives from an attachment stand point this is the boom for you. The author does a great job explaining concepts and ideas. It helped me a ton as I broke up with my dismissive-avoidant partner. I can now see how we co-mingled for so many years. I can finally move forward opening myself up to a more secure attachment style.
Buy this book, trust me totally worth it! No 🧠 er

1 person found this helpful

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Different snowflakes

While much of what was said resonated with me when thinking of my own Avoidant, I found the parts on the Avoidant and sex in particular to not be a good fit. He has awareness and concerns about how sex has taken on self soothing habit energy in his life and to my dismay talks about dialing it back. Maybe it is a passive-aggressive thing since I find sex connecting but he also does not engage in casual sex.
Another thing that does not fit was that he tends to have long relationships. All snowflakes are different. Even the avoidant ones.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Gillian Kincaid
  • 07-11-19

Very informative....

In depth look at attachment types, very useful and knowledgeable, contains studies to back up its content

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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  • anonymous
  • 04-05-19

incredibly helpful

This book has been incredibly helpful, yet painful to read as it is so honest. It gives clear explanations about the avoidant partner and guidance for dealing with them. It also broadened my view about other attachments styles with focus on self improvement.

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  • Mrs. G. Castro
  • 12-08-16

Very helpful!

This audio book is easy to understand and listen. I've definitely learned more about myself and how to deal with my attachment style.
I'm glad I've purchased it.

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    3 out of 5 stars
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  • Huylang
  • 03-09-19

Poor narrative style

It's hard to understand in this narrating tone as a second language speaker. The non for sure is informative. However, i find it really boring to listen to this. I have listened to other book related to attachment, both narrator and organisation of chapter is now structured.

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  • sng
  • 11-09-18

Book for people who's love to be independent

definately a must read book if you feels that the tile of this book some how irritated you.

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  • Anonymous User
  • 05-16-18

Emphasis on 'Leave'...

I bailed halfway through this book. I'm in a relationship with an avoidant (I'm anxious-preoccupied), and I was hoping to get some insights into how to better interact with them. Perhaps the insights come in the second half (I guess I'll never know!), but I bailed because of the style in which the book is written.
This book had portions that I found aggressive in tone, even calling some readers "stomp-down hypocrites with a capital H". I don't disagree with the point that Kinnison was trying to illustrate in this chapter, however the aggressive tone made me disinterested in continuing. Furthermore, I felt that points made about all attachment styles were at times very harsh to the point of being unfair. Even as someone who is currently frustrated by an avoidant, I felt that the representation of their tendencies is not at all compassionate and therefore, I did not find it helpful in better understanding and interacting with the avoidant in my life. It would have been ideal to read if I was looking to be convinced to leave them.