I recently received some feedback that got me thinking: what happens when we unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings? Our brains often trick us into believing that when someone hurts us, they did it deliberately. But in my experience as a psychologist, friend, and human, most of us will actually try to avoid hurting people at all costs. Even people we don't like.

When someone tells me I've hurt them, nine times out of ten, I didn't even know it happened.

When we're on the receiving end of hurt, though, it's common to want to lash out or shut down. However, to keep resentment from creeping in, it's important to address the issue quickly. This means making generous assumptions about the other person's intentions, because about 90% of the time, conflicts stem from misunderstandings that call for a conversation.

On the flip side, what happens when we're the ones who offended someone? If you grew up as I did as a Gen-Xer, there were no role models for effective and genuine apologies. Issues were swept under the rug, and we learned to be defensive to avoid accountability.

It's safe to say that most of us feel terrible knowing we've hurt someone and haven't tried to smooth things out.

Even when a relationship feels damaged beyond repair, the other person is likely looking for you to attempt to repair it. There is a silver lining, too — the fact that they're upset means they care about you and the relationship.

If apologizing is a skill you're working on (and it IS a skill we can all improve on), in this episode, you'll hear a helpful three-step process to making a great apology.

Key Takeaways:

• Our brains often assume others hurt us intentionally, but usually, it's unintentional.

• Addressing conflict quickly can help prevent resentment from creeping into your relationships.

• When hurt, it's useful to make generous assumptions about the other person's intentions and then communicate your perspective.

• Being good at apologizing quickly increases trust and empathy in your relationships.

Timestamps:

00:00 Why We Assume Intent

01:38 Speak Up Before Resentment Creeps In

02:46 Misunderstanding Vs. Boundaries

04:48 When You Hurt Someone

04:56 Why Apologies Feel Hard

07:36 Why It's a Good Thing They're Upset

08:30 Three-Step Apology Process

09:57 Strategies for Staying Calm

11:41 Keeping Your Apology Clear

12:19 Examples That Defuse Anger

14:06 Growth And Better Relationships

15:29 Teach Repair To Others

16:59 Closing And Contact Information

Link from today's episode:

• Get in touch for 1:1 therapy

Connect with me:

• Connect on LinkedIn

• Connect on Facebook

• Connect on Instagram

I was thinking about how much of our daily stress is really caused by "stealth expectations"—those unconscious expectations we don't communicate, which often lead to disappointment and conflict.

I love to call them "stealth expectations" because we don't even realize we have them, yet they drive our behaviour. The thing is, they're often associated with perfectionism and the desire to control circumstances, all so we can avoid feeling uncomfortable.

You've probably had the thought yourself that "they should just know" what you're thinking. But people aren't psychic and don't have the same information, thought process, or upbringing that we do.

As Buddha would say, "peace begins when expectations end."

To reduce frustration, I encourage you to determine your expectations before attending any meeting or family gathering.

Then, if you find yourself frustrated, I encourage you to reality check that expectation: Is it realistic, or is it only something that could happen in a perfect world?

The real key is managing our own feelings, teaching our nervous systems to relax, and keeping an open mind.

What you'll learn today:

• Discover how stealth expectations can lead to resentment, disappointment, and conflict.

• How to identify the root cause underneath these unconscious expectations — they often stem from perfectionism and the desire to control people or circumstances.

• Remembering that what's obvious to you is not obvious to others.

• A simple strategy to pre-plan your expectations before an event, conversation, or meeting to minimize frustration.

• How to check your reality and communicate your expectations.

• A simple technique to tell your brain that you're safe when you feel activated.

Timestamps:

00:00 Stealth Expectations

01:07 Why Resentment Builds

02:32 The Mind Reading Myth

03:44 Spot Expectations Early

05:43 Hockey Ref Example

07:10 Reality Check Them

07:29 Say It Out Loud

08:32 Self Soothe Discomfort

09:34 Breathe Before Reacting

10:40 Open Mind And Worthiness

11:42 Closing And Contact

Link from today's episode:

• Get in touch for 1:1 therapy

Connect with me:

• Connect on LinkedIn

• Connect on Facebook

• Connect on Instagram

Related Episodes:

• 59: The Truth About Trust

• 58: Oversharing vs. True Vulnerability

• 54: How Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Burnout

I've been thinking a lot about connection lately—it was actually my New Year's resolution.

As we get older and busier, our friendships can suffer, and many of us are starting to ask, "Where are my people?"

This week's episode was inspired by my decision to throw my husband a surprise 50th birthday party (shhhh, it's next week), and the realization that many of us, myself included, have forgotten how to simply gather at home outside of kids' birthday parties.

I miss the impromptu gatherings when, as a kid, my family would have neighbors drop in for coffee or host bridge nights. There seemed to be many reasons to get the village together.

When I dug into some of the research for this episode, I uncovered sobering statistics on our social habits and just how lonely many of us are — especially among 15-24-year-olds.

We know that it takes a village to raise a family, and I can't help but wonder whether we're placing the responsibility for an entire village on our partners' and kids' shoulders. Are we expecting our immediate families to fulfill all our needs?

Since this is something I'm focused on improving this year, I share my personal tips for making socializing a priority and for hosting simple, low-pressure gatherings. The point isn't perfection; it's simply getting together.

Discover:

• Why our brains are hardwired for belonging, and why social support is as important as work and family.

• How half of people report feeling moderate to severe loneliness, and the loneliest age group is 15-24-year-olds.

• The problem with expecting your partner and kids to fill all your social needs puts too much emphasis on just a few relationships — we were designed to need a village to thrive.

• Tips to make gatherings a priority by creating time for socializing, saying no to things you don't enjoy, and delegating tasks like housework.

• Ways to keep get-togethers simple and instead of stressing over a perfect house or elaborate menu, order takeout, ask guests to contribute, and plan ahead so you can enjoy your own party.

• Why you should take the risk and host an impromptu get-together and invite new neighbors or friends over as a low-pressure way to build community.

Timestamps:

00:00 Why Friends Matter

01:27 A Fun Surprise 50th Birthday Party Plan

03:34 Have Adults Forgotten How to Gather?

04:55 What Changed After Becoming Parents and COVID?

07:41 Loneliness Stats and Social Support

10:38 Guilt and The Need for Connection

12:00 Make Socializing a Priority

13:42 Hosting Made Simple

14:56 Plan Ahead and Ask for Help

16:43 Neighborhood Party Success Story

18:33 Take the Risk and Wrap Up

Link from today's episode:

• Get in touch for 1:1 therapy

Connect with me:

• Connect on LinkedIn

• Connect on Facebook

• Connect on Instagram

Related Episodes:

• 54: How Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Burnout

• 53: The Anti-Overwhelm Formula: 3 Steps for an Easier Life

• 58: Oversharing vs. True Vulnerability