• The Mental Load of Motherhood

  • Jul 26 2022
  • Duración: 43 m
  • Podcast

The Mental Load of Motherhood

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  • Episode Highlights[01:50] Parenthood and Spousal RelationshipResearch has shown that marital satisfaction decreases after three years of marriage. Priorities and demands have changed, and your attention moves to your dependent new little being. There must be intentionality in building connection and intimacy in the relationship during this time.Sit with your partner and talk about the small things you do together. Then, incorporate these rituals into your daily routine. [03:51] Respecting the Differences in Parenting Experience Always ask yourself, 'Would you speak to your friend or co-worker the way you speak to your partner?'Dr. Tracy emphasizes the importance of having compassion for each other. Give your partner the same kindness you give yourself and other people. Both your parenting experiences are dynamic and natural. Never tell your partner that they never help out.Dr. Tracy: "It's also important to recognize that when it comes to [parenthood], it's not going to be equal between you and your partner, but you need to find a way to find what feels fair."Acknowledge that your partner’s experience of the world is different from yours. Be sure to vocalize your concerns to understand your parenting experience better. [07:24] Dealing with Resentment Feeling resentment means that you or your partner has unmet needs. It is crucial to address resentment because it can slowly erode the health of your relationship. Motherhood can be overwhelming — especially when you’re not communicating with your partner and don’t have an agreement regarding your plans. Communication is important. You have to have an agreement and plan with your partner. [11:29] Effectively Communicating Your Needs Relationships have complex dynamics because of differences in upbringing, experience, and culture.Have a values-based conversation with your partner and discuss the values you want for your family. Do not carry the mental load. Instead, be fair and onboard your partner.  According to Dr. Tracy, sitting shoulder to shoulder instead of across each other can help foster communication. This position makes your partner feel you are working together.Celebrate your partner. Remember not to put the blame. Instead, make a plan and decide how to move forward together. [14:22] Eve Rodsky’s CPE MethodEve Rodsky, in her book Fair Play, shares a system for people looking to couples looking to find balance in their domestic life. In dealing with partner issues, Eve recommends the CPE method: conceptualization, planning, and execution. Resentment often builds up in women when they feel their partners only execute tasks instead of completing them.Learn to step back and trust that your partner will fulfill their roles and complete their tasks.Dr. Tracy: "[If I] over-function, the only space that is left for my partner is to under-function. And if I step back, then that means he's going to learn and grow. So, I don't have to carry all of it. And on top of that, then he gets to build the relationship with our kids."[20:04] Supporting Your Partner and Child’s RelationshipDr. Tracy shares that it is essential to acknowledge that children have different relationships with each parent.Understand that it is not going to be perfect all the time, but that is good enough.Have a conversation with your partner and identify what matters most for you. Having this kind of conversation is essential, but not in front of your kids. Your children need to see you as a strong parenting team. This will enable them to share feelings and learn boundaries.Let your partner have a unique relationship with your child. Understand that they will learn to develop that with each of you.[25:01] Understanding Differences in POVsLearn each other’s non-negotiables and be in understanding positions. Practice being good listeners. Listen to understand and not argue. Dr. Tracy recommends having a bridge conversation where you see the situation from each other's perspectives or lenses.Communication with your partner may not be a one-time conversation. You may have to peel back every layer of the onion.Remind yourself that not you won't resolve every relational issue right away. There may be recurring problems that show up repeatedly. Understanding breeds empathy and relationships need more empathy. [30:10] Tackling Postpartum IntimacyPostpartum intimacy makes mothers desire closeness from their partners. It is a part of birth processing and emotional recovery ⁠— even for non-birthing parents. Do not push for sex if one of you isn’t ready, even if your OB-GYN gives you the clear.You will experience many changes in the first few years of parenting. Focus on other ways to build intimacy with your partner. Reassure your partner that they are still your person and that you want to be intimate with them. Have a conversation with your partner about what intimacy can look like — may it be emotional or physical intimacy. Broaden the definition of...
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