Discovery isn't just an emotional blow; it is a profound shock to the entire nervous system. When infidelity comes to light, your heart rate spikes, cortisol floods your system, and your brain shifts into a survival state that makes clear thinking nearly impossible.

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Monique Thompson, an EMDR-trained therapist and author of the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples. We explore why the "hot kettle" of your nervous system needs time to cool before you make life-altering decisions and why recovery is ultimately about returning to your most authentic self, regardless of whether you stay or leave.

We Talk About:

• Infidelity as Physiological Injury: Why the inability to "think straight" after discovery is a biological reality of the sympathetic nervous system, not a personal failing.

• The "Olympics of Recovery": Reframing recovery as a daily, lifelong practice of self-compassion and amends, similar to the 12-step tradition.

• Process Over Outcome: Why pressuring yourself to decide on reconciliation or divorce too quickly adds excruciating pain, and how to wait for "adaptive thoughts" before choosing a path.

• Redefining Infidelity as Non-Consent: A powerful look at how betrayal is sensed and felt whenever the agreed-upon boundaries of a relationship, regardless of its structure, are violated.

• Internal Parts Work: How to hold a "meeting" for the different parts of yourself, the part that is hurt, the part that is angry, and the part that wants to stay, to find your "living truth".

• You are in the immediate aftermath of "D-Day" and feel an urgent, frantic pressure to make a permanent decision.

• You feel "broken into pieces" and find that your experience defies standard language or explanation.

• You have a high ACE score (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and recognize that your current betrayal is triggering deep-seated survival responses.

• You are struggling with shame and "anti-survival thoughts," feeling that the betrayal has stripped away your sense of worth.

Ultimately, healing isn't about rushing to a socially acceptable conclusion; it's about cooling your biology so you can act from a place of peace rather than panic. As Dr. Thompson reminds us, your oldest and longest companion is yourself, and you deserve a clean, honest relationship with that person first.

About the Guest:

Dr. Monique Thompson is an EMDR-trained therapist and trauma-informed life coach with over 24 years of experience. She specializes in betrayal trauma, PTSD, and couples recovery, helping clients restore nervous system safety to support clarity and accountability. She is the author of the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples and is known for her culturally responsive, parts-based approach to healing.

Dr. Thompson’s Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/drmoniquethompson Dr. Thompson’s Private Counseling Practice - https://www.facebook.com/137813109676722?ref=NONE_xav_ig_profile_page_webInfidelity Recovery Workbook for Couple - https://www.amazon.com/Infidelity-Recovery-Workbook-Couples-Relationship-ebook/dp/B0CYGPRGQS

Rachel’s Booklist - ⁠⁠https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/17C3H1PVHJ5N9?ref_=wl_share⁠⁠

Rachel’s Newsletter - ⁠⁠https://l.bttr.to/iKgcY

In Part 1, we established that truth is the foundation of intimacy. But what happens when you get the facts, yet something still feels unsafe?

In this second half of my conversation with Dan Drake, we move beyond the "Content Truth" (the facts on the paper) and explore the critical concept of "Behavioral Truth", how your partner shows up in the process.

We discuss why a disclosure document delivered with resentment feels very different from one delivered with humility, and why consistency over time is the only way to rebuild genuine trust. We also tackle the "hot button" topic of polygraphs and how to prepare your nervous system for the days following a disclosure.

We talk about:

• Content vs. Behavioral Truth: Why "what" is shared matters, but "how" it is shared (emotional maturity vs. defensiveness) matters just as much for your safety.

• Boundaries as a Roadmap: Reframing boundaries not as punishments or control, but as a clear guide you are giving your partner on how to help you feel safe.

• The "Energy" of Recovery: Why "white-knuckling" compliant behavior eventually leads to resentment, and how to trust your gut when the energy feels off.

• Preparation and Aftercare: Treating disclosure like a "birth plan", having a strategy for the best scenarios, the worst scenarios, and the support you will need in the 72 hours after.

• The Polygraph Debate: Understanding the difference between a "fidelity polygraph" (verifying truth) and a forensic interrogation, and why it is a tool for validation rather than a "gotcha" moment.

This episode may be especially supportive if:

• You have received a disclosure, but still feel uneasy because your partner’s attitude feels defensive or unchecked.

• You are debating whether to use a polygraph and want to understand the benefits and limitations (it’s about 90% reliable, not perfect).

• You need permission to set up an "aftercare plan" that includes childcare, time off, or space to grieve.

• Your partner is refusing to disclose, and you are trying to determine what that means for the future of your relationship.

As Dan shares, disclosure is like resetting a broken bone that healed incorrectly: it is painful to re-break it, but it is the only way to ensure it heals straight and strong.

Listen in for the practical wisdom you need to navigate the complexities of truth, safety, and the days that follow.

Meet the Guest: Dan Drake

Dan Drake is a licensed clinician and the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group in Los Angeles, California. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Supervisor, a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist Supervisor, and a Certified Clinical Disclosure Guide Mentor.

He is the co-author of several books, including Building True Intimacy: Creating a Connection that Stands the Test of Time, and five books in the Full Disclosure series, covering topics like Letters from a Sex Addict, My Life Exposed, Surviving the Holidays, Healthy Boundaries, and Rebuilding Your Foundation.

Dan is a husband and a father to two amazing kids and two fur babies. In his passion to help sex addicts, their partners, and families restore relational, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wholeness to their lives, Dan strives to provide a safe environment where his clients can grow and heal.

Dan's Website - www.banyantherapy.com

Rachel’s Booklist - https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/17C3H1PVHJ5N9?ref_=wl_share

Rachel’s Newsletter - https://l.bttr.to/iKgcY

Discovery is often one of the most traumatizing experiences a partner can go through. But what follows, the painful "trickle truth" or staggered information, can feel just as damaging, leaving you constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In this episode, I sit down with Dan Drake, a licensed clinician and co-author of the Full Disclosure series, to discuss why getting the whole story isn't just about facts; it is a "Right of Truth."

We explore why truth is the non-negotiable foundation for any future intimacy and why "confessing" in the moment is very different from a therapeutic, well-planned disclosure.

We talk about:

• Confession vs. Disclosure: Why staggered revelations are merely "confessions" that protect the addict, whereas a full disclosure is a carefully constructed process designed to honor your need for safety.

• The Pyramid of Intimacy: Breaking down the hierarchy of connection, Truth, Safety, Trust, Vulnerability, and Intimacy, and why you cannot skip the foundation of Truth to get to Intimacy.

• • The "Why" Behind the Lies: Understanding how compartmentalization and shame often cause the betraying partner to "wall off" memories, not necessarily to hurt you, but to disconnect from their own reality.

• Busting Disclosure Myths: We tackle common misconceptions, such as the "90-day sobriety rule" before disclosure and the fear that "the truth will kill the relationship."

• The Curated Self: Why staying in a relationship without full disclosure means loving a "curated version" of your partner rather than who they really are.

This episode may be especially supportive if:

• You have experienced "staggered disclosure" and feel like you are constantly resetting your recovery clock.

• You are confused by why your partner can't just "tell you the truth" right now.

• You feel pressured to "trust" or be vulnerable before you have established a foundation of honesty.

• You are terrified that hearing the full truth will destroy your relationship, but you know deep down that deception is what is actually eroding it.

Ultimately, disclosure isn't about ending the relationship; it's about clearing the rubble so a real foundation can be built. As Dan shares, your partner cannot be truly loved if they are not truly known.

Listen in for a powerful conversation on why you deserve the dignity of your own reality and the right to make informed choices about your life.

Meet the Guest: Dan Drake

Dan Drake is a licensed clinician and the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group in Los Angeles, California. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Supervisor, a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist Supervisor, and a Certified Clinical Disclosure Guide Mentor.

He is the co-author of several books, including Building True Intimacy: Creating a Connection that Stands the Test of Time, and five books in the Full Disclosure series, covering topics like Letters from a Sex Addict, My Life Exposed, Surviving the Holidays, Healthy Boundaries, and Rebuilding Your Foundation.

Dan is a husband and a father to two amazing kids and two fur babies. In his passion to help sex addicts, their partners, and families restore relational, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wholeness to their lives, Dan strives to provide a safe environment where his clients can grow and heal.

Dan's Website - www.banyantherapy.com

Rachel’s Booklist - https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/17C3H1PVHJ5N9?ref_=wl_share

Rachel’s Newsletter - https://l.bttr.to/iKgcY