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Transactional Analysis, Personality Types and Ego States

Understand the person and you begin to understand what causes or contributes to conflicts. A little insight into Personality or psychological types (as a theory that explains some of the differences in people’s behaviors) can prove useful. There are predictable differences in individuals which show by the different ways in which they use their minds.

We have preferences. We instinctively pick up a pen and sign our names with one preferred hand. When we fold our arms we instinctively put the right arm on top of the left or vice versa. We can use the other arm, although it will be more awkward, take more thought and effort and be slower. I touch upon a few concepts below only to sow them in your mind, but I realise that they are not developed adequately as tools for you to yet use effectively. I make them available for your own further reading around the topics.

Personality type preference is about the way an individual chooses to use the mind to “perceive”, “judge”, for “introversion” or for “extraversion”. A basic level of understanding will empower us to consider adapting our behaviour accordingly, to affect the conflict for good or bad. Just be aware of these even though I do not use space here to develop them further at this time.

Transactional Analysis (TA) also explains and categorises the way a person relates or behaves. Their behaviour may differ in various circumstances and situations as they adopt different ego states. A person’s ego state includes their thoughts, behaviours and feelings and they express them in three different ways. They are Parent, Adult or Child. TA is about analysing the mechanics which operate when people endeavour to communicate their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. As a tool, it provides insight into managing and resolving conflicts. It is a useful tool in communication skills.

Whilst in the Parent state we express thoughts, feelings and behaviours learned from our parent figures – which were nurturing and protecting of us. They are the values and morals from our parents and are visible when we are critical and Judgmental; shown for example, by wagging the finger in a stern rebuke in a parental disciplinarian manner. In the Adult state those behaviours, thoughts and feelings are when we are more likely to make rational decisions and deal appropriately with options. Here we are rational with the facts and unemotional in problem solving or decision-making. The Child state is a free spirit wanting to have fun, be carefree and without responsibility. We experience the emotions from childhood. We use them to get our way.

An example, is where an Assistant solicitor says to the trainee, “My boss is not going to be pleased with your piece of research and I’ll be in for it if I give that to him, because you have missed out a vital piece of information”.

Concerned about his standing with the partner, the Assistant solicitor is in a dependent child ego state with the Trainee. The trainee may reply, “No problem, I’ll find the missing information and include it promptly for you. Don’t worry.” The trainee is in the parent (reassuring) ego state.

The importance of these concepts is that knowledge of their dynamics can enable us to break out, break free and change as circumstances require. Realisation about potential choices can enable us to stop, think and change our method of communication and thereby affect the relationship. So often, we see examples of how a person we are in contact with seems to make us behave in a particular way and we do not know why! We wish we could be set free.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Put these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively:

John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading.

Both books remind us that there is a difference between how masculinity and femininity communicate. There is a big difference between 'Hearing' and 'Listening'.

There is a difference in how we communicate when we are in conflict with someone. There is a difference in how we communicate when we are in a 'Parent role', 'Adult role' or Child role". (That is the theme of TA (Transactional Analysis - for which you can do a 3 years degree to understand the dynamics).

There is a difference between Sympathy and Empathy. There is a difference between Narcissism and Empathy. (I describe Empathy as the antedote to Narcissism).

There is a difference in how we communicate when '...now is not a good time for me...', but we are forced to do communication. It can quickly go downhill.

There is a difference in how we communicate when there is a power imbalance. There is a difference in how we communicate when Shame is at work (very much applicable to those with Sex/Porn/Love Addiction - remembering my mathematical formula - SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX/PORN ADDICTION.

Know the terrain in which YOU are communicating. Remember that the biggest aspect of effective communication is what we take in with our eyes.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict,

During Communication, our body demeanour is going to give us away. Know the facts about the body and how you main have trained it to 'tell on you'!

When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Our opinion will influence the way in which we respond and behave towards that person until something happens to cause us to change our mind. Even then, changing our mind is a process and is not immediate.

Our voice and body language communicate about 93% of our message. Let’s break that down a bit more. Dependent upon the statistics that you read, anything from 55% to 70% of what is communicated and we take in, is what we gain visually, using our sight. In other words what we see. 38% comes from what we hear (tone, pitch of voice etc) and only 7% comes from the actual words that we hear. Remember words are ambiguous.

The way someone dresses influences opinion. As a speaker, if I dress in a way that is insensitive, inappropriate or is causing you to pay more attention to it; perhaps I have been culturally insensitive in my dress sense; then for quite a long time you will have been absorbed with that fact. You will have stopped listening effectively and be distracted in your thoughts, although you will have been “hearing” noise coming out of my mouth. There is a great difference between listening and hearing.

If you detect a nervous disposition from me as I am speaking to you, my nervous disposition and shaking hands will be giving you mixed messages and reduce the impact of what I am saying. What is the importance of all of this?

It is important to maximise that which takes in most of the information whilst we communicate. That is the visual. Therefore, avoid having those important conversations sitting side by side, particularly with the television on. Text messages can be disastrous when dealing with important matters. Laying side by side and pillow talk conversations can become problematic if the subject has more importance to one of you than is realised by the other.

I am not saying not to do it, but I want you to be aware that the aim should be to maximise eye to eye and body to body visual contact.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Intimacy Building,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Dissociation,Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,wife cheating,wife has porn,wife has another man,wife with a woman,husband with a man,Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing,Compulsive Behavior,Trauma Healing,Neuroplasticity,Online Therapy,Self-Soothing Behaviors,Childhood Trauma,Inner Child work,Childhood Development and Addiction bullying,Porn Addiction Recovery,Abuse,Sexual Abuse,Spiritual abuse,Church abuse,Minister abuse, Pastor abuse,Domestic Violence,Family Conflict,