Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published Episode 9. I’m Aziza Kibibi and in this episode we are going to talk about the birds and the bees. Yes, yes y’all. We will be discussing the very thing that drives human kind. The very thing that leads to the creation of each and every one of us. The very thing that many just can’t seem to get enough of. Ssssex! And aside from the blog post topic being about sex and my own sexuality, you may be wondering “well Aziza, what does sex have to do with publishing a book?” And to you I will answer this…

When it comes to making and marketing a product, the old adage is that sex sells. But often people take that way too literally. Sure seeing rippled six pack abs, glistening smooth skin or an ample bosom is eye catching, but often sex in imagery can be very subtle. So subtle in fact we may not even realize that is the reason why we are drawn to an ad, thumbnail, post or even a person at first. 

Since the topic of my memoir Unashamed a life tainted addresses sexual deviance and trauma, I had a lot to consider when designing my book cover, (as I spoke about in episode 4), as well as marketing my book and even my public persona. But the thing with me is that I am proud of and I absolutely love…. me! And that include the parts of me that many may not find to their liking….or actually maybe too much to their liking which in turn makes them uncomfortable with there thoughts because…anyway, let me refocus before I get lost down that rabbit hole. My point is you can’t please everyone. And this episode is about learning how to please yourself and then acclimating your audience into your world. So without further ado, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with…

January 18, 2014

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

One of the most challenging aspects of recovery for a survivor of sexual exploitation, is one’s perspective of sex I went through many stages in my sexual growth and it's safe to say I continue to go through them. As a little girl I was confused between the sensations I was feeling, if what was happening to me was right or wrong, fear, and the stress on my body. I have children and I know sexual exploration is a part of growing up, but to have it forced on you is traumatizing to say the least.

By the time I reached puberty my father had pushed my body to the point that my physical senses were numb and my mentality was that him raping me was another one of my household chores. If I wanted to avoid being choked or punched while he had intercourse with me, it was best that I didn't fight. 

I went from a little girl who's innocence and love for her father was used against her, to a teenager who's will had been broken to the point that she fit perfectly into the role created for her; to a grown woman with little identity of her own; sexual or otherwise. So what now?

At twenty five years old I'd already been having sex most of my life; but I'd never had an orgasm, I didn't see sex as something that was suppose to be pleasurable for a woman, and I'd been trained to please one person. 

When I was with my first, outside of my dad, I really wanted to express how I felt about him physically. We talked on the phone, spent time together and I told him what happened to me. I trusted him and when we kissed for the first time (one of the many things I hated doing with my father) my body ignited with sensations that I didn't know was possible. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad! But when the day finally came, it was a disaster. 

As soon as I felt his penis, seventeen years of sexual abuse came flooding back. I didn't break down, I didn't bolt and I didn't refuse; I reverted back to the trained obedient little girl I grew up as,...

What contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many friends and suitors recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television.

Intro :

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 8. 

It doesn't matter how successful you are, no one reaches that success without the help of someone else. 

I’ve been called an overachiever, hyper-ambitious, a know it all, a do it all…everything that you could label someone who has the passion and drive to achieve many goals and achieve them. This may all sound great but the truth is, its a lot of fricken pressure. When people know you through your successes and you have a reputation that you break through steel walls to get shit done, it piles on a lot of pressure. You find yourself in a spotlight that while it brings attention to your successes, it can also expose your failures. So when you’re struggling, you are afraid that asking for help may make you seem week or incapable. 

I’ve struggled with this throughout my life and this blog I’m going to share with you talks more about how difficult that struggle really can be. So enough with the intro, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with this next….

December 28, 2013

S.O.S.

I'm not sure if I should be blogging while I'm in this state of mind, but I'm going to anyway.

I'm not usually one to pity myself; shit happens basically. I've had children looking up to me all my life. First my siblings; they depended on me to entertain them for the hours our parents weren't home, to figure out what to eat when I wasn't old enough to use the stove; to keep them focused when we had to do our homework and stop whichever baby from crying when our mother wasn't around to breastfeed. When I had my own children I had to do some of the same things, but on top of that be a better example of a mother than what my own was. And that included protecting my daughters from my father. 

My father favored my children which also created animosity amongst everyone else. There were so many psychologically confusing dynamics in our family that it's made me somewhat of a pro at dealing with stress in my life today. In addition I feel like I have to project a certain level of togetherness and strength to those around me. I can count the times on one hand that my children have seen me cry. Eighty percent of the time that I'm sick, I still go to work and school. Depression is not an option and if I feel a rut coming on I get exercising, or writing. You may ask; what is your point Aziza? And my reply is: despite the fact that I am doing very well considering what my life has been, there are times that I need help. But I have a serious problem asking for it. 

When my father came into my bedroom when I was nine, he'd tell me that telling my mother would make her go crazy and I'd never see her again. This was only one of the many lies he used to confuse his daughter to maintain control. After beating me because I tried to fight back when I was twelve, he said that my compliance gave him the strength to take care of the family. I became used to having a lot of responsibility with little assistance. There were decisions I had to make as a child that affected my entire family. And I was led to believe that if I asked for help, the result would end in someone else's peril or sacrifice. 

Today, I don't want to put anyone out of their way, or have them inconvenience themselves for me. It's natural for me to put the needs of others in front of my own, but I have to convince myself that I'm deserving of the same treatment. Which is work in itself. So If I have a problem

This bonus episode includes a raw, uncut private conversation about child sexual, psychological and physical abuse based on the author's (me, Aziza Kibibi) experience in life.

Yes, this was all part of the publishing process. 

Disclaimer : I've had my fair share of accusations and judgments sharing my story publicly and being candid and raw with the things that myself and too many others have survived. If my skin wasn't thick enough, facing comments like "you liked it" and "you deserved it you slut" from cowards hiding behind a username and ambiguous profile picture has definitely added a few more layers. This interview with Damon not only prepared me for writing my book, but it helped me in getting ready to sit on the witness stand against my father.

What you are about to listen to is a continuation of one of the frank, unedited (except for names to protect the identities of family) conversations between myself and Damon Diddit about the experience from a child's perspective being molested by their father.

Listening back I can hear the hesitation in some of my retelling because I was editing myself. As raw and unfitted as what you are listening to is, I was doing my best to save Damon unnecessary discomfort.

But I have learned through my career as an activist that you have to make people uncomfortable to bring attention to the cause. That being said, we are still processing this human experience and we are forever learning and growing.

I hope you can derive something from this podcast that adds value to your life and help you discover your voice. Let me know how it goes.

Hey, hey, hey and welcome the third bonus episode of Self Publish. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist for the protections of women and children, a media personality, a chef a mom and a survivor.

This bonus episode is a continuation from the interview with my friend Damon Diddit. I cannot stress enough the benefit of reviewing your personal experiences with the help of someone you trust, in preparation for writing a book. As I mentioned before, my books Unashamed a life tainted volume 1 and 2 took 4 years to complete the compilation of over 30 years of memories and experiences and create a literary work that would communicate a specific message in hopes that it enlighten, encourage, educate and inspire. 

This part of the conversation between Damon and I candidly explores and describes in explicit detail, topics that may be triggering to some and titillating to others. Please listen with an open mind. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I’d like you to consider how listening in on this private conversation that was not intended to be published, makes your feel. What thoughts does it inspire? Judgments? Criticisms? Compassion? As content creators we should take our audience into consideration. Even more so now having to keep Youtube and Instagram algorithms in mind. I would be honored if you would share your experience listening to this conversation. If you are bold enough, do include your thoughts and feelings in a review on apple Podcasts or Spotify. And if you would prefer more privacy, than please email me your input to aziza@azizakibibi.com

Ok, ok, ok, now lets get into it. Thank you again for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. Please allow me to reintroduce my friend Damon Diddit as he interviews me Aziza Kibibi back in 2012 in preparation for writing my memoir. 

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