Autumn, my resident four‑legged princess, gave me her classic “Oh bother, Mom’s monologuing again” eye‑roll just as I hit record for my podcast episode today. My spirits were still buoyant from a lovely pool afternoon with two sober friends, so I ignored her pouty pooch protest.

The universe’s timing is beautiful. Yesterday I was yanked me out of the moment and straight into a technicolor flashback of me standing in front of a double fridge stuffed wall‑to‑wall with cheap cold ones under the roof of my late father-in-law’s shop. I got mentally stuck in the lure of the cozy and nostalgic comfort I felt back then. I snapped out of it feeling, fearful that I’d let myself romanticize that stockpile of endless beer.

Fast forward to this morning’s meetings, which coincidentally were about remembering our last drunk and Step 1. So, I ran the tape forward and wrote down where drinking led me. I couldn’t stand up in the shower or while getting ready for work, drank in rush‑hour traffic both ways, did the worm on Shenanigans’ dance floor (gracefully, I’m sure). Shame surged as I allowed these thoughts to surface, but clarity followed. It wasn’t the beer in that fridge I was missing last night. It was my late father-in-law who called me daughter and made every visit feel like home. Grief was the ache beneath the craving, and naming it anchors me in my sobriety. Today I leaned on a team bigger than myself to get that story to its proper ending. My psychiatrist, 2 AA meetings, 2 sober friends, and yes, one judgy Weimaraner helped me process my pain. Sometimes pain is required for growth.

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To learn more about vestibular disorders visit https://vestibular.org

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I woke up groggy with my usual vestibular hangover. I got my coffee and sat down ready to “download” guidance from my higher power through my morning sobriety meetings. Our reading covered being unwilling to make amends for a lingering resentment. What I realized was that I experienced a similar resistance to making amends. I wasn't ready because I didn't yet have the tools to face my part in the relationship. I lacked enough of the program’s tools and need to keep showing up to meetings and talking to my sponsor. Once I could see my role in that broken relationship, I could focus on cleaning my side of the street.

I'm a chronic grudge keeper. If someone wrongs me, they are out of my life but stay in my head. It doesn't feel good to hold a grudge, but I do it anyway. Forgiveness is not a gift to the person that you're forgiving, it is a gift to yourself. Forgiveness is canceling the emotional debt that you've been holding on to. I heard this morning that anger is like holding on to a hot coal hoping the other person gets burned. Forgiveness allows me to drop the hot coal, let go of my ego and desire to be right, and instead seek serenity.

Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Rather listen on Apple Podcasts? https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/recovery-daily-podcast/id1693924779

Visit my Etsy shop, and join my creative journey at Recovery Upcycling. https://www.etsy.com/shop/RecoveryUpcycling

To learn more about vestibular disorders visit https://vestibular.org

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I only began to understand what humility was when the 12 steps deflated my ego like a helium balloon. Step five helped my defects of character seep out by acknowledging them with someone I trust. Step 6 tested my willingness to let those defects go. After a lifetime of listening to that little voice in my head tell me the wrong things, building new habits like pausing takes practice to let that little voice settle. But when I do, the ego balloon rests at eye level, and I become teachable.

That same voice is the one that tells me to sleep in and skip my sobriety meeting, eat a deep dish pizza instead of a salad, or cut someone off who’s trying to help me and insist that I know best. That voice is the one who holds the strings that lead to nothing yet grips them tighter only to strangle my own serenity. When I’m hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, she grows louder.

My humility and ego have a dynamic balance that see-saw while I continually fine-tune my behavior. Some days I successfully drop the strings into my God box.

Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Rather listen on Apple Podcasts? https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/recovery-daily-podcast/id1693924779

Visit my Etsy shop, and join my creative journey at Recovery Upcycling. https://www.etsy.com/shop/RecoveryUpcycling

To learn more about vestibular disorders visit https://vestibular.org

#SobrietyJourney #12Steps #SoberLife #AddictionRecovery #Humility #SelfAwareness #ProgressNotPerfection #MentalHealthMatters #PersonalGrowth #MindfulLiving