If I could talk to my past self, I would tell her she’s doing the best she can with the tools she has, and she’s not weak, broken, or uniquely over emotional. I would tell her that the anxiety and depression are real, not imagined, and that she doesn’t have to act like she’s ok and as if nothing is wrong. I would tell her that she simply has a human condition. She’s not the only one who feels dark, scared, overwhelmed, or different, and she doesn’t have to hide those feelings or punish herself for having them.

I would tell her that happiness doesn’t just happen to lucky people. We have to participate in it, practice it, and move toward it through small daily choices. I would tell her that trying to control that which is outside of her fingertips will not save her, but acceptance, rest, and connection with others will. And even though life will not unfold the way she expects due to alcoholism, stroke, and unimaginable loss, she will be okay. I will tell her that she will grow into someone braver that she ever imagined being, wiser because of the hard stuff, and strong enough to help other people who feel the same way she does.

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I didn’t understand, or even want to consider the possibility that my stroke permanently changed my life in an instant. How do you wrap your head around that. I did everything right. I was sober for five years. I did yoga every day at 4 PM. And I even became a runner, albeit short distance and not fast. Maybe I should say casual jogger 😂. Anyway, I thought if I followed the rules, went to the doctors, did the therapy, and pushed hard through recovery, I would get to the end of it and back to normal. Instead, I spent two years trying to force myself into a life my brain could no longer sustain. I slowly increased my work load, ignoring my pain and measuring myself against the person I was before my stroke.

I was in denial and terrified to admit that I could no longer do my job the way I used to. My career was slipping away from me. I reached the point of unmanageability. I shut my computer, sat on my porch, and sobbed. Leaving my job was devastating, but it was also the beginning of accepting who I am now instead of chasing who I used to be. My stroke took away a great deal, but it did not take away my ability to create meaning, connect with others, write, speak, and help people. Looking back, the real struggle was trusting that a different life could still be beautiful and falling back in to the arms of the unknown.

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#strokerecovery #stroke #vestibularrecovery #recovery #vestibular #disability #recoverypodcast

I work hard to be happy. It takes intentional daily choices for me. Living with invisible illness, whether it was alcoholism, anxiety, depression, or now my vestibular disability after stroke, means there is so much going on inside of me that no one else can see. There’s a mental, emotional, and physical load behind even simple things I do. So I must participate in happiness and not wait for it to happen to me. I make conscious choices to do the things that bring me joy, comfort, meaning, and connection, even when I don’t feel like it.

Happiness is getting dressed because I know I feel better when I get dooded up for the day. It is writing my book, recording my podcast, going to support groups, picking up the phone, making art, and practicing gratitude. It’s also knowing when to rest, when to say “not today,” and when to protect my energy. I can still feel grief, frustration, exhaustion, and fear, and choose to move in the direction of happiness anyway. That is the work.

Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Rather listen on Apple Podcasts? https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/recovery-daily-podcast/id1693924779

Visit my Etsy shop, and join my creative journey at Recovery Upcycling. https://www.etsy.com/shop/RecoveryUpcycling

#vestibular #strokerecovery #stroke #vestibularrecovery #recovery #recoverypodcast