Dara' got a part in the school play in fourth grade. She'd practiced hard, stayed up late, knew her lines and when other students asked why she always got chosen, she said "because I'm good at it." The teaching assistant reprimanded her in front of the whole class for being cocky. From that moment, she started shrinking herself to make other people comfortable.

We talk about growing up as a light-skinned Black girl in South Mississippi with all the dynamics of colourism and poverty at play. How her assertiveness got called aggression, her knowledge got called being a know-it-all, and her passion made people uncomfortable so she started over-apologising. The patterns that spilled into her relationships and career. And how losing her sister stripped everything down to what really matters… life's too short to live masked.

This isn't a story about blame or victimhood. It's about owning the part where she tolerated harm, over-forgave, settled in spaces that didn't align with who she really was because she didn't want to be seen as difficult. And the moment she decided to stop wearing the mask: getting divorced from an 11-year marriage, leaving the job that paid crazy money but didn't align with her values, and finally asking herself who she wanted to be.

Main Takeaways

• Confidence in young girls gets called cockiness. Being reprimanded for saying she was good at something in fourth grade made Dara' question herself and start shrinking to make others comfortable. That pattern spilled into her entire adult life until her sister's death.
• Grief can bring clarity, not just breakdown. Everyone told Dara' she was having a mental breakdown after her sister died. But grief stripped everything down to what really matters. She was more clear than she'd ever been: life is too short to live masked.
• You betray yourself when you become who society says you should be instead of who you were made to be. Dara' felt like she'd betrayed herself and God by succumbing to pressures about being a wife and a mother, shrinking herself to fit what the South taught her she should be.
• Boundaries change relationships. When you stop shrinking yourself, people will call you difficult, arrogant, hard to deal with. But it's not your job to manage what people think about you. Your responsibility is to live in alignment with what you know is true to your heart.
• Healing isn't a finished process. Dara's in the best shape of her life, meditating every morning, painting, writing poetry, setting boundaries with her kids. But she's had to accept that some doors will close and some bridges will burn.

About Dara'

Dara' Shaina-Vania is an educational leader, doctoral candidate, poet and mother of four who is committed to living in truth and walking in purpose. Grounded in faith and integrity, she has navigated profound loss, professional adversity and major life transitions whilst continuing to lead with compassion and excellence. After choosing healing over performance and authenticity over survival, she now uses her voice, creativity and leadership to empower others to honour their worth, protect their peace and rise with courage. Her journey reflects resilience, spiritual grounding and a deep commitment to building a meaningful legacy for her children and community.

Connect with Dara':

• Instagram: @daraofsunshine

About Haley

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, and the cost of choosing yourself

Connect with Haley:

Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered

Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord

Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Billie moved to New York for her partner's job transfer. Rebuilt her social work career from scratch. Spent three years getting her supervised hours for her LCSW exam. Then, on the night of her exam celebration, he broke up with her. He couldn't even say the words out loud. Just nodded when she asked "are you breaking up with me?"

We talk about the couples therapist who told her "you need to take a step back from him because you're trying too hard to change him and he doesn't have the capacity to do this work with you." The year she spent choosing herself while still in the relationship. How she describes herself as "co-dependent in recovery" because she realised she'd been having romantic partnerships with people she knew couldn't meet her where she was. The voice that woke her up one morning saying "if you're not satisfied, you don't have to stay here." And why kicking him out was the moment the universe opened up to her.

This isn't about blame or playing the victim. It's about owning the part where she allowed things she knew weren't right. The shame of being a mental health professional who couldn't spot her own red flags. And learning that sometimes choosing yourself means sitting in your discomfort.

Main Takeaways

• Codependency is hiding behind people who are more dysfunctional than you. Billie realised she wasn't emotionally available either. She'd been choosing romantic partnerships with people she knew couldn't meet her where she was as a way to protect herself .
• You can be a mental health professional and still miss your own red flags. The shame of not seeing yourself as clearly as you thought made Billie doubt whether she deserved a career or could be respected. But going through it made her a better clinician .
• Nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass. Billie's always been impatient and struggled with discomfort but the greatest thing you can learn is to sit in your discomfort without fighting it.
• No one has done anything on their own. Everyone needs help. Billie leaned into her community and asked for help from everybody even when it felt awkward taking it.
• Sometimes the universe pushes people out of your life. Billie felt like her protectors (deceased grandparents) were in the space that night, pushing him to finally end it.

About Billie LoweOriginally from Philadelphia, Billie has lived in New York City for the last 8 years after previous stints in Wisconsin and New Orleans. After ending a 10+ year relationship in 2024, she spent the last two years growing and healing, which has been the best part of her journey yet. As a mental health professional and leader, this work has made her stronger both personally and professionally. She's just launched Eva Mack Counseling LLC (named after her grandmother who was a helper everywhere she went) after 18 years in community social work. Through clinical supervision, coaching, and workshops on trauma-informed care, healthy boundaries, and vicarious trauma, she provides skills, support, and wisdom to the people doing the work on the front lines.

Connect with Billie:

• Instagram: @evamaccounselingllc

• LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/billie-jeanne-lowe-lcsw-sifi-72579537

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered

• Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord

• Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Colette grew up Mormon, went to BYU for both degrees, and worked for the LDS church. Her life was very church-oriented. It was going great. Then she fell in love with her female roommate whilst working for the church, and suddenly the life she'd laid out for herself didn't fit anymore.

We talk about the three years she spent convinced it was just a one-off fluke with one woman, not realising she was queer. The therapist who never asked if she was queer, just assumed she was sinning. Why it took her ex-girlfriend dating another woman for Colette to finally question her own sexuality. The moment she realised she felt like she had to choose between the queer part of herself and the Mormon part, and since she couldn't choose, she just wanted to be dead. And how COVID shutting down church 6 days a week showed her that her mental health was better when she wasn't immersed in that environment.

This isn't about religion being wrong. It's about what happens when the path that's been laid out for you your entire life stops working. And the grief that comes with choosing yourself when it means losing the future you thought you'd have.

Main Takeaways

• Compulsory heterosexuality is so ingrained that you can literally be in a relationship with a woman and still not question if you're queer. Colette spent three years assuming she was straight, it was just this one woman, she was being tempted by Satan. Society's expectation that everyone is straight runs that deep.
• You can't heal in isolation. Community and connection are vital. Seeing other queer people who didn't hate themselves was radical for Colette. It gave her a permission slip to accept herself, because seeing someone else living proof that you can get there makes it possible.
• All change is loss, and all loss needs to be grieved. Even when change is good and exciting and you're choosing yourself, there's grief in becoming. Colette had to grieve the life she thought she was going to have when she was Mormon. That doesn't mean the change was wrong.
• Families generally become more accepting over time. Research shows this. It might take a while, and they might not respond well initially because it's their first time wrestling with something you've been processing internally for years. Give them time and grace.

About Colette Dalton

Colette Dalton is a mental health therapist, healer, speaker, and community builder devoted to helping people reconnect with joy, creativity, and authentic self-expression after experiences of shame, trauma, or identity transition. Drawing from clinical training and personal experience navigating queerness within a high-demand religious background, Colette blends grounded therapeutic insight with warmth, humour, and emotional honesty. Through workshops, virtual summits, 1:1 healing work, and her Queer Joy Coven, she invites people into playful experimentation, nervous-system safety, and meaningful connection as pathways towards healing. Her work centres the belief that joy isn't frivolous; it's a liberatory practice that helps people reclaim agency and a life that actually feels like their own.

Connect with Colette:

• Website: colettedalton.com
• Instagram: instagram.com/colettedalton
• Threads: threads.com/colettedalton

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered
• Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord
• Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Farwa got a degree in physiotherapy because that's what her father wanted. She worked in hospitals with the "Dr." title Pakistani parents dream of. And she was miserable the entire time. So she started freelancing as a social media manager on the side, quit physiotherapy for good, burned out in a 9-to-5 marketing job, then got offered a leadership role with double her salary and said no to start freelancing with zero clients.

We talk about the guilt of disappointing parents who just want you to be safe. What it's like when your father passes before he ever understands what you do. Why she stayed in jobs that looked perfect on paper but made her skin break out from stress. The moment she realised if someone else could see her worth enough to double her salary, why couldn't she see it for herself. And how choosing the unknown with no income is still better than staying somewhere that makes you miserable just because it's stable.

This isn't about having a plan or knowing it'll work out. It's about trusting yourself the way you trust everyone else in your life. And accepting that something doesn't have to be wrong for it to be wrong for you.

Main Takeaways

• Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you need to use it. Farwa spent years in physiotherapy because she didn't want to disappoint her father, but staying in someone else's dream for you is choosing their approval over your own happiness.
• Something doesn't have to be bad for it to be wrong for you. Her last job was great. Good team, good manager, chill environment. She was still miserable. You can't logic your way into happiness when your soul knows you're not where you're meant to be.
• If someone else can see your worth, why can't you? When a company offered to double her salary for a leadership role, she realised she'd been letting people undermine her and put her in junior positions. External validation showed her what she couldn't see for herself.
• The people whose approval you're fighting for will approve of you once you approve of yourself. When you're walking the path meant for you, there's an energy shift people pick up on. Even when it doesn't make sense to them, they feel the trust you have in yourself.
• Choosing yourself gets lonely because most people stay in positions that make them miserable. It doesn't make sense to others why you'd leave stability for the unknown. But finding your people, your community, makes it less isolating.

About Farwa

Farwa is a social media manager and strategist, and a physiotherapist by education. After years of following the path others told her she should, she’s finally choosing herself and just getting started on the journey toward her true self. She’s passionate about honest conversations on growth, self-discovery, and what it really means to choose yourself, even when the journey is messy.

Connect with Farwa:

• Instagram: www.instagram.com/farwahafz

• Linked In: www.linkedin.com/in/farwahafeez/

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered

• Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord

• Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Sarah's mum died of COVID in 2020. Within 18 months, she got sober, left her marriage, retired from 19 years of teaching, and drove solo across America to Nashville for what she calls her "year of feral freedom." That's not a life change. That's a complete demolition and rebuild.

We talk about what it actually takes to choose yourself when everyone around you wants you to stay broken. How she went from drinking all day to heal the grief to realising she was giving her power away to a dead woman. The moment psychohypnotherapy let her meet her 7-year-old self in a closet and promise to finally take care of her. Why her ex-husband couldn't handle her being alive and excited. And how she's building community through music that tells the truth about submission, addiction, and choosing to be feral instead of palatable.

This isn't about having it figured out. It's about being so relentlessly committed to healing that you'll burn every bridge that's bringing toxicity to your island. Even when those bridges lead to the only family you have left.

Main Takeaways

• You can't heal whilst trying to keep everyone comfortable. Sarah had to choose between making her family happy by staying drunk and small, or choosing herself and losing almost everyone.
• Sometimes the deepest healing requires going into your own subconscious and parenting yourself. Meeting her 7-year-old self and promising to take care of her changed Sarah's body at a cellular level. You can raise yourself the way you needed to be raised.
• Getting sober isn't the hard part. Feeling everything you've been suppressing is. When you stop numbing, lifetimes of suppressed pain come flooding back. But that's where the freedom lives. That's where the clarity is.
• Burning bridges isn't always destructive. Sometimes it's survival. Sarah looked at every bridge that was bringing toxicity to her island and burned them all. Not with manipulation or drama. Just with clarity that these connections were no longer serving her.
• Your wounds don't have to define you, but they can fuel your purpose. Sarah's using everything she survived to create music that tells the truth about submission, addiction, and choosing yourself.

About Sarah Carter

Sarah is a lyricist, storyteller, and recovering people-pleaser who retired from 19 years of special education teaching to pursue music full-time. After her mum's death in 2020, she got sober, left her marriage, and drove solo from Nevada to Nashville for her "year of feral freedom." She's now building community through music that explores submission, addiction, and choosing yourself under her stage name RGC (Rusty Gutter Creations). She's relentlessly committed to healing the world by showing people it's actually possible to choose joy.

Connect with Sarah:

• Instagram: ⁠@rgcisme⁠
• Facebook: ⁠RGC is me⁠
• SoundCloud: ⁠https://on.soundcloud.com/wes960kn10KvcCgt8B

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: ⁠@haleyryan.unfiltered⁠
• Discord: ⁠haleyryan.co.uk/discord⁠
• Website: ⁠haleyryan.co.uk

Nika left a nine-year narcissistic relationship with $350, her daughter, and two cats, choosing homelessness in Mexico over staying one more day. Most people would call that insane. But staying had become more dangerous than the uncertainty of leaving.

We talk about what it actually takes to leave when you have no money, no plan, and no safety net. How plant medicine gave her the clarity and power to finally break free. The moment she realised the sexual connection was keeping her trapped. Why she had to stop waiting for him to "let her go." And how the Universe kept providing exactly what she needed, exactly when she needed it, once she committed to choosing herself.

This isn't a story about having it all figured out. It's about trusting the unknown more than you trust the familiar hell you're living in. And what becomes possible when you finally stop abandoning yourself to keep someone else comfortable.

Main Takeaways

• The person will never change. You can't love them into healing. You can't wait for them to understand and let you go peacefully. If you're waiting for permission to leave, you'll be waiting forever.
• Financial dependence is a cage, but uncertainty is survivable. Nika had no money before and stayed for years. She had no money when she left. The difference was choosing herself anyway and trusting the unknown more than the familiar abuse.
• Breaking the sexual connection is critical. Narcissists use sex to anchor you energetically. Going into celibacy whilst still in the relationship helped her see how addicted she was and started loosening his hold.
• You can be a victim and a warrior at the same time. Acknowledging what happened to you isn't victimising yourself. It's telling the truth. And you can hold that truth whilst still being the person who chose to leave and build something new.
• The healing doesn't end when you leave. The programming is deep. You'll cry over bananas. You'll catch yourself lying about what you need. You'll realise how small you made yourself in a thousand tiny ways. That's normal. That's the work.

About Nika Keilani

Nika Keilani is the Founder of Xamani Retreats, Creator of the Brave Path app, Mindvalley-certified Life Coach, and Author of Divine Power of Ayahuasca.

Her work integrates decades of study: Louise Hay's Philosophy, Hawaiian Ho'oponopono, Shamanic Traditions, Tantra, and Sacred Medicine. Ancient and modern. Mystical and proven.

She knows how hard it can be to feel lost and misunderstood when you're awakening. When you're seeking truth in a world that profits from lies. She knows the pain of shedding programming and breaking free from everything you were taught to believe.

She's been there. She left an abusive partner, faced homelessness and financial struggle, then manifested everything: a deeply loving husband, abundance, a Soul-aligned business.

She teaches visionaries and healers to reclaim their birthright of Love and abundance, reconnect with Truth, and build from that foundation. Her clients experience complete recalibration of who they are and what they're capable of creating.

Connect with Nika:

• Instagram: @nika.keilani
• Website: www.nikakeilani.com

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered
• Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord
• Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Welcome to "On Your Terms"

I'm Haley Ryan, and this podcast is about the messy reality of choosing yourself.

Each week, I sit down with a different cohost to get honest about what choosing yourself actually looks like. Things like saying goodbye to self-abandonment and people-pleasing, honouring boundaries that ended relationships, and walking away from what everyone else thought you should want.

We don't have scripts. We don't perform. We just talk about the turning point, what it cost, and the parts we're still figuring out.

Launch Details:

• First three episodes drop Thursday 19th March 2026
• New episodes every Thursday
• Subscribe now so you don't miss it

Connect:

• Discord Community: https://discord.gg/ymHw9hdRn
• Instagram: www.instagram.com/haleyryan.unfiltered

If you're tired of pretending everything's fine when it's not, this is for you.