Dara' got a part in the school play in fourth grade. She'd practiced hard, stayed up late, knew her lines and when other students asked why she always got chosen, she said "because I'm good at it." The teaching assistant reprimanded her in front of the whole class for being cocky. From that moment, she started shrinking herself to make other people comfortable.

We talk about growing up as a light-skinned Black girl in South Mississippi with all the dynamics of colourism and poverty at play. How her assertiveness got called aggression, her knowledge got called being a know-it-all, and her passion made people uncomfortable so she started over-apologising. The patterns that spilled into her relationships and career. And how losing her sister stripped everything down to what really matters… life's too short to live masked.

This isn't a story about blame or victimhood. It's about owning the part where she tolerated harm, over-forgave, settled in spaces that didn't align with who she really was because she didn't want to be seen as difficult. And the moment she decided to stop wearing the mask: getting divorced from an 11-year marriage, leaving the job that paid crazy money but didn't align with her values, and finally asking herself who she wanted to be.

Main Takeaways

• Confidence in young girls gets called cockiness. Being reprimanded for saying she was good at something in fourth grade made Dara' question herself and start shrinking to make others comfortable. That pattern spilled into her entire adult life until her sister's death.
• Grief can bring clarity, not just breakdown. Everyone told Dara' she was having a mental breakdown after her sister died. But grief stripped everything down to what really matters. She was more clear than she'd ever been: life is too short to live masked.
• You betray yourself when you become who society says you should be instead of who you were made to be. Dara' felt like she'd betrayed herself and God by succumbing to pressures about being a wife and a mother, shrinking herself to fit what the South taught her she should be.
• Boundaries change relationships. When you stop shrinking yourself, people will call you difficult, arrogant, hard to deal with. But it's not your job to manage what people think about you. Your responsibility is to live in alignment with what you know is true to your heart.
• Healing isn't a finished process. Dara's in the best shape of her life, meditating every morning, painting, writing poetry, setting boundaries with her kids. But she's had to accept that some doors will close and some bridges will burn.

About Dara'

Dara' Shaina-Vania is an educational leader, doctoral candidate, poet and mother of four who is committed to living in truth and walking in purpose. Grounded in faith and integrity, she has navigated profound loss, professional adversity and major life transitions whilst continuing to lead with compassion and excellence. After choosing healing over performance and authenticity over survival, she now uses her voice, creativity and leadership to empower others to honour their worth, protect their peace and rise with courage. Her journey reflects resilience, spiritual grounding and a deep commitment to building a meaningful legacy for her children and community.

Connect with Dara':

• Instagram: @daraofsunshine

About Haley

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, and the cost of choosing yourself

Connect with Haley:

Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered

Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord

Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Billie moved to New York for her partner's job transfer. Rebuilt her social work career from scratch. Spent three years getting her supervised hours for her LCSW exam. Then, on the night of her exam celebration, he broke up with her. He couldn't even say the words out loud. Just nodded when she asked "are you breaking up with me?"

We talk about the couples therapist who told her "you need to take a step back from him because you're trying too hard to change him and he doesn't have the capacity to do this work with you." The year she spent choosing herself while still in the relationship. How she describes herself as "co-dependent in recovery" because she realised she'd been having romantic partnerships with people she knew couldn't meet her where she was. The voice that woke her up one morning saying "if you're not satisfied, you don't have to stay here." And why kicking him out was the moment the universe opened up to her.

This isn't about blame or playing the victim. It's about owning the part where she allowed things she knew weren't right. The shame of being a mental health professional who couldn't spot her own red flags. And learning that sometimes choosing yourself means sitting in your discomfort.

Main Takeaways

• Codependency is hiding behind people who are more dysfunctional than you. Billie realised she wasn't emotionally available either. She'd been choosing romantic partnerships with people she knew couldn't meet her where she was as a way to protect herself .
• You can be a mental health professional and still miss your own red flags. The shame of not seeing yourself as clearly as you thought made Billie doubt whether she deserved a career or could be respected. But going through it made her a better clinician .
• Nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass. Billie's always been impatient and struggled with discomfort but the greatest thing you can learn is to sit in your discomfort without fighting it.
• No one has done anything on their own. Everyone needs help. Billie leaned into her community and asked for help from everybody even when it felt awkward taking it.
• Sometimes the universe pushes people out of your life. Billie felt like her protectors (deceased grandparents) were in the space that night, pushing him to finally end it.

About Billie LoweOriginally from Philadelphia, Billie has lived in New York City for the last 8 years after previous stints in Wisconsin and New Orleans. After ending a 10+ year relationship in 2024, she spent the last two years growing and healing, which has been the best part of her journey yet. As a mental health professional and leader, this work has made her stronger both personally and professionally. She's just launched Eva Mack Counseling LLC (named after her grandmother who was a helper everywhere she went) after 18 years in community social work. Through clinical supervision, coaching, and workshops on trauma-informed care, healthy boundaries, and vicarious trauma, she provides skills, support, and wisdom to the people doing the work on the front lines.

Connect with Billie:

• Instagram: @evamaccounselingllc

• LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/billie-jeanne-lowe-lcsw-sifi-72579537

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers: make-up artist, musician, personal trainer, brand manager, published author. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered

• Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord

• Website: haleyryan.co.uk

Colette grew up Mormon, went to BYU for both degrees, and worked for the LDS church. Her life was very church-oriented. It was going great. Then she fell in love with her female roommate whilst working for the church, and suddenly the life she'd laid out for herself didn't fit anymore.

We talk about the three years she spent convinced it was just a one-off fluke with one woman, not realising she was queer. The therapist who never asked if she was queer, just assumed she was sinning. Why it took her ex-girlfriend dating another woman for Colette to finally question her own sexuality. The moment she realised she felt like she had to choose between the queer part of herself and the Mormon part, and since she couldn't choose, she just wanted to be dead. And how COVID shutting down church 6 days a week showed her that her mental health was better when she wasn't immersed in that environment.

This isn't about religion being wrong. It's about what happens when the path that's been laid out for you your entire life stops working. And the grief that comes with choosing yourself when it means losing the future you thought you'd have.

Main Takeaways

• Compulsory heterosexuality is so ingrained that you can literally be in a relationship with a woman and still not question if you're queer. Colette spent three years assuming she was straight, it was just this one woman, she was being tempted by Satan. Society's expectation that everyone is straight runs that deep.
• You can't heal in isolation. Community and connection are vital. Seeing other queer people who didn't hate themselves was radical for Colette. It gave her a permission slip to accept herself, because seeing someone else living proof that you can get there makes it possible.
• All change is loss, and all loss needs to be grieved. Even when change is good and exciting and you're choosing yourself, there's grief in becoming. Colette had to grieve the life she thought she was going to have when she was Mormon. That doesn't mean the change was wrong.
• Families generally become more accepting over time. Research shows this. It might take a while, and they might not respond well initially because it's their first time wrestling with something you've been processing internally for years. Give them time and grace.

About Colette Dalton

Colette Dalton is a mental health therapist, healer, speaker, and community builder devoted to helping people reconnect with joy, creativity, and authentic self-expression after experiences of shame, trauma, or identity transition. Drawing from clinical training and personal experience navigating queerness within a high-demand religious background, Colette blends grounded therapeutic insight with warmth, humour, and emotional honesty. Through workshops, virtual summits, 1:1 healing work, and her Queer Joy Coven, she invites people into playful experimentation, nervous-system safety, and meaningful connection as pathways towards healing. Her work centres the belief that joy isn't frivolous; it's a liberatory practice that helps people reclaim agency and a life that actually feels like their own.

Connect with Colette:

• Website: colettedalton.com
• Instagram: instagram.com/colettedalton
• Threads: threads.com/colettedalton

About Haley Ryan

Haley Ryan knows what it's like to live someone else's version of your life. She spent over a decade in the military, then cycled through careers. Every path shaped by what others expected.

The turning point came when she realised the only way to build the life she actually wanted was to stop asking for permission.

Now she hosts "On Your Terms", where cohosts share brutally honest stories about self-abandonment, the cost of choosing yourself, and what remains unresolved. She's done with toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, and creates space for conversations that are unapologetically real.

Connect with Haley:

• Instagram: @haleyryan.unfiltered
• Discord: haleyryan.co.uk/discord
• Website: haleyryan.co.uk