In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener who says they generally feel secure in their relationship — except when their partner travels and is physically away. During those periods, they experience intense separation anxiety, spiralling thoughts, and a sudden sense of insecurity that feels confusing and disproportionate.

I talk about why distance and absence can be uniquely activating for anxiously attached nervous systems, even when a relationship is otherwise healthy and secure.

We explore how separation can trigger old attachment wounds around abandonment, uncertainty, and loss of felt safety, and ways that you can support yourself both individually and relationally to better handle these challenges.

Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it’s often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour.

In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This is a back-to-basics conversation intended to bring nuance and accuracy to how we use attachment language — especially in romantic relationships.

In this episode, I cover:

• What attachment styles are really describing: relational stress and our habitual responses to it
• Why attachment styles are not fixed, mutually exclusive categories — and how spectrums work in practice
• How attachment patterns are contextually responsive and can shift across different relationships
• What attachment theory explains — and what it was never meant to explain
• How our attachment blueprint shapes our internal working model, even beyond close relationships
• Why attachment is best used as a tool, not a totalising explanation for yourself or others

If you’ve ever felt confused, boxed in by attachment labels, or frustrated by how attachment theory is used online, this episode offers a clearer and more grounded way of thinking about it.

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In this Ask Steph episode, we explore one of the most common (and understandable) questions in anxious–avoidant dynamics: what actually helps an avoidant partner feel safe enough to open up emotionally?

If you tend toward anxious attachment, it can feel deeply unsettling to sense that parts of your partner’s inner world are closed off to you. That can create a strong pull to try harder, ask more questions, or push for emotional access — often with the hope that if they open up, it will mean you’re finally “enough.”

In this episode, we unpack why that instinct can backfire, and what genuinely supports emotional safety instead.