Don’t act like your kind, like you know me. The toughest part is walking away from a life you once knew. Walking away from certain relationships that only drained you. I would rather hurt forever, than reopen a relationship that will never be amend. You know this moment, don’t you? Being haunt from a childhood, that had a very little of happiness. A smile to hide a painful life no one knew you had. Now living life where your anger doesn’t get tested. You no longer have control over me. I earned my achievements and you can’t take credit of it. Once a painful moment, is a life freed from pain but forever scared from the experiences. Trauma that will be carried through each year, will eventually be a scar that heals but will be forever remembered.

If there was one thing I learned, I learned to remain humble but also to stand in my strength. People will be envious of you and will do anything to wreck your image. I would always say let everything go in one ear and out of the other. Sometimes the storm we go through teaches us a lesson or shows us our strength. That doesn't mean to treat others the same way they treated us, but to be humble about it. We do show how we want to be treated and it can be an advantage point or point to back off. We are allowed to share what we went through and no one can silence us. Sharing what you went through can help someone else.

The waterfall of tears, the shattered parts of an heart that could never be fixed. When the world breaks your heart, there are only two choices. All the metaphors chosen, the first choice is let the failure consume you or learn from the failure to rise. Poetry can be a mystery within itself when it’s written from experience. Experience is what builds a foundation, and it’s what keeps the foundation firm and strong. The choice is yours with how you want to continue your life.

The consequences I get when I survived the worse nightmare of my life. Being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and CPS (Central Pain Syndrome), from being in survival mode. Being mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually abused two weeks before my thirteen birthday, By someone I wasn’t related to. I don’t blame my parents. Still the flashbacks and nightmares waking up in sweat or crying still haunts me. I won’t go any deeper because it still hurts. You think years later you would be healed, but it’s the opposite. You are learning to break bad habits and to unlearn the way you were while you were in survival mode. Being blamed for something that you didn’t cause, or told it never happened or you’re not telling the whole truth, you were never there so how would you know? You still don’t feel safe, but you don’t blame yourself anymore. God got you out of this dark moment. You and him have a long history, but you survive because of God. To face this is realizing you will never get over this just like when someone passes away. You learn to be okay, but it will come back in waves. You are in a better place and that’s all that matters.

So the story goes, the mother I never had. My biological mother had me when she was eighteen years old. I was left in an apartment for three days until a police officer came and gave me to an orphanage for a year. Being born in Ukraine then adopted and brought over to the United States Of America. Which took seven days, the journey turned out sweet to brutal. The father is the only one that you are close to, you don’t see him as your adopted dad. He just your dad. Fortunate to be here, a story I was told two women the first year had lettuce, water and peanut butter. The second year they only had lettuce and water. My adopted parents gave them the two large jars of peanut butter that they had to these two women. A story that has stuck with me and where I came from. Ukraine will always be my home town and I will always remember my roots. The toughest part is knowing my hometown was destroyed on national tv and I was treated like I didn’t belong here or had the right to be here. Many have several cars and houses, be thankful instead of arrogant about it. You have clean water and air condition, when many don’t have enough to survive. One country would give there shirt of their back, while the other country the majority of them are full of arrogance. Until you know what it’s like to come from nothing, keep your mouth shut. You have no experience or know what are you talking about.

Watching the sunset, it reminds me how thankful I am, that God gave me another day to live and to see another day. I am not perfect, I have sinned, but I am thankful for God’s grace. To start this new year, new chapter, I wanted to share the hardest parts of my life, but all credit will always go to God. There were times I had to apologize for how I treated others, I did because I cared for how bad hurt each person. Everything I did wasn’t for something for return, it was out of respect and that I recognized when I did wrong. Many did take advantage of my kindness and respect, but that will change as well. I had so many individuals in my life who supported me throughput my life as well, and I am very thankful for that support. That support is what got me where I am today, I wouldn’t be where I am today, without the support, but also being humble, kind and respectful, while also standing up for myself. God has always been good to me, and we do have history. I love the Lord, and I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but I am so thankful for him. If there was one major thing I learned, it’s to trust God and not do everything on your own. When you try to do everything on your own, it won’t work out. For my birthday, I want to give glory to God and show him how thankful I am to know him and that he saved me in my darkest hour. That his only son died for me, to save me. I did get lost, wander off, but the Lord helped me find my way. These beautiful sunsets, isn’t just something we cherish, but a reminder of where we came from and who worship. Life will be tough, we will sin, but God will always want us to come to him. It can be scary, but he loves all of us. I never hated no one and I was never mad at anyone, I just felt bad for the hate that they had. That they refuse to heal themselves or that God won’t accept them, but that is wrong. Don’t mock God, it won’t end well, with each sunset be thankful to be alive and grateful to see each day.

I won’t go to places that I’m no longer allowed at, stopped receiving invitations is the statement meaning you will no longer see me again. You opened the door for me to leave, that’s the invitation I took. Calling me heartless or selfish to make a scene at these gatherings to embarrass me. You will no longer have control to do any of that. I’m done asking to meet up, when I either get stood up or no one shows up. Any invitation I received will be declined. No more wasting time or being the second best. I should have left the first time and never mentioned anything. Those nights I will always remember and never forget. I know when I’m not wanted and I stand on what I say. I made room in my schedule as well used time where I busy to do many things, to only be discarded like a piece of trash. No more taking from me, when I was never given anything back. It’s not called being selfish or heartless. It’s called forgiveness for the shit I had to put up with.

Behind fear is a lie told, to only treat the ones who actually cared about you like crap. You lost a real friend who would do anything for you. Keep twisting the facts, to match a story that doesn’t add up. Like the equation written on paper doesn’t make sense or won’t have a conclusion. The number PI will never end, it will continue, but unlike PI I will not continue being treated a certain way to make yourself look innocent. I’m done repeating myself or being the one who gets backstabbed. I have my small group of friends, I don’t need nothing else. The grudges you hold, is only a digging a big hole for you. I moved on with my life, but you are still stuck in the past. Which is where you belong in the first place. Never once could you take the truth or me being blunt. You would rather believe the lie, now no one wants to be around you. Someone you used to call a friend you don’t even recognize or know. Once a friend will become a stranger forever.