Note: Text has been edited lightly and does not match the video exactly.
Nicole Ransome: Hi, I'm Audible Editor Nicole, and today I'm here with Carl Radke, resident Bravolebrity and Soft Bar & Cafe owner. He's here today to talk about his new memoir, Cake Eater. Welcome, Carl.
Carle Radke: Thank you, Nicole.
NR: You have been on TV for years, and now you're [releasing] your memoir, Cake Eater. What has been your personal experience telling your story on screen versus as a book?
CR: Great question. I think, for me, there's been a lot of things that have happened before I got on reality TV, from my childhood to even in middle school and high school. A lot of my story before Bravo and before being on reality TV wasn't really told. I felt like certainly reality TV's been amazing, I'm very lucky. But the show isn't all about me, it's about a group of friends. So, there's things that people don't know about me that I felt were important to tell, my full, honest, raw, unapologetic story. A lot of the things that have shaped who I am were told in this book, and not necessarily always shown.
NR: What takeaways did you want listeners to have when they first experience this audiobook?
CR: I want to hopefully inspire people, maybe make things more relatable. Whenever I first got sober, reading stories from other people or hearing about individuals that are going through similar things helped me get through that time. I felt it was important to really be honest, share very out loud. I hope people either are inspired to maybe get help or live a better life or pick up the phone and check in on a friend. A variety of things. But my whole hope is just to, I mean, it's some healing for me, but in sharing it out loud, I hope it gives people the confidence to share their stories out loud, too.
NR: You recorded this memoir yourself. What was that experience like?
CR: The experience was fun. A little nerve-wracking, just because I'm telling my story, but now I'm reading it with my own voice, which it's kind of an interesting exercise. But I'm proud of my story. I think if you listen to it with my voice attached to the story, I think it even creates a more well-rounded story. I'm excited for people to hear it and also feel it. I think whenever you hear someone speaking about their own personal experiences, it resonates a lot more. Nothing against the print version, but I think audio will be really special for Cake Eater.
NR: You also give a lot about your younger days and some of your college stories. You touch upon your brother Curtis's struggles and then also his untimely passing. What has been, through all of these trials and tribulations, your motivation for success to keep on going?
CR: One of the big motivators is, obviously, you mentioned my brother. Curtis was my hero growing up. He was my only brother and he was a few years older than me, but I always looked up to him. He was a really good athlete. He was always really well-liked. His passing was a huge catalyst to me getting help. It really put a lot in perspective. I think if anything, this book is in memory of my brother. I certainly share some of his story in hopes that people that have family members who struggle and also struggle themselves, maybe they could find some peace or solace in what I've experienced and what my brother experienced. I think this book is definitely in memory of my brother and in honor of him. I wish I didn't have to write the book and he was still here, but it's just not what happened. So, trying to kind of use this as a memory and just honoring him in the best way possible.
"I think whenever you hear someone speaking about their own personal experiences, it resonates a lot more."
NR: Can you speak to the power of grief and how it really spurred your self-awareness journey in terms of really looking into your mental health, also into your addiction and your life in general?
CR: Obviously, grief is a very complex thing. There's not the same linear path that everybody's on with grief. I mean, it comes and goes. But for me, when my brother passed, it wasn't overnight that I got sober or got help. But it was the reminder that was staring at me in the face: Like, that could be me, too. Honestly, having my brother pass was something I never wanted or wished, but it was a huge reason why I took my story seriously. I was kind of simultaneously using my brother's grief as an excuse to continue to drink alcohol and to use cocaine, and I urge anybody, if you're going through a grief process, drinking and using hard drugs is not going to help you grieve any better.
NR: Navigating those habits for so long, what was that journey like with reconnecting with your true self honestly, or even getting to know who you actually are as a person?
CR: I think we all remember our childhood self, and I've had to do a lot of work in healing just on some things from my past that a lot of us have, things from our childhood that we never really have come to grips with. I remembered my childhood being smiley and happy and friends with everybody, and it was reminding myself of my personality when I was a young kid. I wasn't drinking or using drugs then and was well-liked and had a lot of fun. So, I had to really remind myself that, yes, it's different now, but this is a better way to live. It's a healthier way for me.
I'm still figuring out myself as we speak, in this moment right now, but I feel like I've fully come into my own as someone who doesn't drink or use hard drugs. It's been a process. I'm not going to sit here and say it's been easy, but discovering myself through this process has been some of the best work. I think we all are figuring ourselves out, but I'm much better off than I was. I'm on a constant search and always looking within to really find out who Carl is.
NR: Hey, growth is a beautiful thing.
CR: Yes. Never stop growing.
NR: People say, you said that they say, "Sober Carl isn't fun anymore."
CR: I didn't say that. Other people said that.
NR: What is that like to receive that kind of criticism while you're navigating your sobriety journey?
CR: Well, there is some accuracy to that to some degree. I mean, the right term would be, "Sober Carl is boring." And I think that's okay. I like being boring now. My boring is definitely not boring, but it's less crazy than it was before. Honestly, if someone doesn't like me or has an opinion of me because I don't drink alcohol, that's fine. A lot of times I think that says more about their own relationship with the substance versus mine, but it also saves me time. If someone isn't comfortable being around someone that doesn't drink, great. No worries. I don't have to waste my time with that energy.
I think more and more, though, as our society becomes more understanding of our mental health, addiction, just a lot of our challenges as humans, people are less judgmental, less shameful. But even without the judgment, the individual still feels it. Trust me, I had an opinion of myself when I drank. I thought I was the life of the party. I thought I was fun. Now, here I am, it looks different, it feels different. But guess what? I'm actually a lot better to be around. Sometimes when you're thinking you're the life of the party, maybe you're not.
NR: You're probably not.
CR: I kind of equate it to like, I used to be on this rollercoaster, now I'm on this wave. I ride the wave. I don't have as high of highs, I don't have as low a lows, but I kind of ride this wave that is balanced for me.
NR: With this newfound self-awareness and going on your sobriety journey, how have your relationships evolved? What have been the best kind of relationships to nurture for your well-being?
CR: I mean, number one is my family. I'm going to be honest, it's not always been peaches and roses with my parents. I was very well taken care of. I was loved. I loved my parents, but when you have addiction and mental illness in your family, it has created some challenges and some resentments and some disagreements. But my sobriety and really connecting with myself and really spending time to make sure I'm in a good place has allowed me to connect even better with my family. The number one people in my life are my mother and my father, but I had to do a lot of work on that relationship. Being sober and getting help has allowed me to show up for my family in a much more profound way. I've shown up for my other friends. It just cleaned up a lot of those relationships that had some ups and downs. And trust me, they're still there, but it's just less clouded by alcohol and cocaine for me.
NR: For those also navigating these kinds of challenges all throughout their life, what advice would you have for them if they want to really nurture and maintain their friendships and also relationships in their life?
CR: I have a lot of friends, but sometimes when you're partying really hard and overextending, you have all these friends, but are they really your friends? So, I don't know. It's like you really got to prioritize the people that matter most to you, and it really does, I think, create some clarity. And you need to align yourself with healthy people. Sometimes that's met with harder decisions. Sometimes friends maybe aren't your friends like you thought they were. But it's allowed me to really focus on the people that really do matter, the people that have given me and supported me. I also want to be able to support them and show up for them.
"I urge anybody, if you're going through a grief process, drinking and using hard drugs is not going to help you grieve any better."
For a period of time, I was in such a bad place that I wasn't able to show up for anybody other than myself and whatever I needed. So, it was a really selfish time, but there's a lot of beauty in being able to help other people and getting out of your body and checking in on someone else. Because realizing that sometimes what I'm going through actually pales in comparison to maybe what someone else is going through. So, it was just important to reinvest in my friendships and the ones that really mattered. And of course, with that came some friends that I haven't been as close with, but that actually is normal. That's actually adulting. Getting older, friendships evolve and shift, and that's okay.
NR: I feel like sometimes people have trouble with letting go with those relationships. As you said, sometimes it’s hard to recognize when people aren't actually your friends, especially when you really have to admit it out loud, especially to other people, so I completely understand that.
CR: I was friends with a lot of people, and no one that I hung out with is a bad person, but when you hang out with a lot of folks and it's only this deep, it feels very hollow. You wake up from a hangover, you wake up from a big night out, and then you're kind of like, "Wait, who are my friends really?" I struggled with that, because I would build resentment based on that. I'd go out on a night, make 20 new friends, 10 friends I was still friends with, and I'd walk out at the end of the night and I'd spend all this money and had nothing to show for it and didn't feel like I actually really fostered the friendships that well. They were just there to drink and carry on. So, looking back on it all, it's been very healing, but yeah, it's been really interesting to look at it from a bird's-eye view now.
NR: Well, I'm glad you got rid of those people out of your nest that called you boring.
CR: They probably got rid of me, too, and I think that's very natural. I think I've embraced that things change and evolve. In the past, I used to get butt-hurt or used to get into like a, "Screw you. I don't want to be friends with you anymore" kind of thing. Where now it just happens naturally and organically that the wave I'm on doesn't align with the wave they're on. That's actually our human society. Not everybody's going to be on the same wave as you, but that's okay too. How you treat them and how you handle it with respect and open-mindedness. But, yeah, I want to surround myself with people that align with what I'm all about.
NR: Well, I hope it's lining up good for you, honestly.
CR: Some days yes, some days no. I think what I want to say, though, is—and a lot of the story that I tell here, I don't have it all figured out. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm not some guru at all. My whole hope is there's a lot about my life that not everybody was familiar with and the things that have really shaped why I drank so much and why I did so much cocaine and why I struggled with my mental illness. I just think it was important to be honest about all that, but I don't necessarily have all the solutions. I just know what's worked best for me.
Going to AA, getting a sober support group. Alcohol was my major problem, but alcohol led me to do other things. I'm just lucky that I got the right help. But I don't know, I sometimes get more credit than I think I deserve, and I just want to caution anybody who reads my story, listens to me, I'm not going to give you some training manual to save your life here. This is more about sharing what I've been through in hopes that maybe [it can] jumpstart something in your life, that maybe you look at something differently, or like I said, you pick up the phone, you ask for help, maybe you start making your bed in the morning, maybe you start running, maybe you start getting a therapist. To me, that's what I hope to get out of this, is you're inspired in some small shape or form, but I'm not expecting you to read this book and then you're going to be pure and clean and the greatest human being ever. That's just not what this is at all.
NR: Yeah, I think that that's a great thing, honestly. Just honesty, raw and true.
CR: Just honest, raw, unfiltered. I think the more we're authentic, we live in a day and age where everything's edited perfectly and filters, and we all want to present ourselves publicly in a very clean, perfect way. However, I think what's more relatable and more interesting to look at is actually the not perfect. We're constantly hit with amazing content on social media, but it's actually like the more vulnerable content that I think is more compelling. So, I hope the honesty and the authenticity will shine through. At the end of the day, it's something I never dreamed I would be in this position, writing about my story. I still think it's a little crazy that I'm writing about my story, to be completely honest, but I have a lot of people that have asked about this story and wanted to learn more, and I'm kind of honoring their requests that I tell this story more. As I've told it, it's been very healing and there's been a lot of positive that's come out of this experience.
NR: I love that. So, now that you are literally an open book, what's next for you, Carl?
CR: What's next? Well, it's what's currently going on. I've been actively building a bar and a cafe in Brooklyn that we don't serve alcohol. We serve non-alcoholic beverages, premium coffee, but also beverages that provide functional benefits. So, healthy ingredients that make you feel energized or calm or focused, healthy ingredients like electrolytes or vitamins that we add into our beverages. But I've got a really beautiful space that you can come any time of day. It doesn't matter if you drink or not, you can sit down, have a great non-alcoholic beverage. I'm opening that up in a couple of weeks in Brooklyn. It's called Soft Bar. Excited about that.
"If someone isn't comfortable being around someone that doesn't drink, great. No worries. I don't have to waste my time with that energy."
I'm an entrepreneur. I love businesses. I love ideas. I love investing. So, I've got my hand into a couple other businesses in New York that I'm very proud of. One of them being Loverboy, which is actually an alcohol brand. The alcohol industry was a big reason how I learned about this stuff and actually gave me a whole new perspective. Because as someone who doesn't drink that works in the alcohol industry, I realized it's actually not that uncommon. There's a lot of bartenders, managers of restaurants, and hospitality people, there's a lot of people that are in this industry, but don't consume it.
NR: They're probably very close to it.
CR: They're very close.
NR: They're too much in the kitchen.
CR: Exactly. It's like you're seeing how the sausage gets made every day. I think, over time, when you work in nightlife or work in the alcohol industry, you realize just how it can eat away at you. I think for me, it gave me a whole new lease on life once I realized half the people I was working with in the alcohol industry weren't drinking. I was like, "Wait, wait, what?" It's stuff like that that's given me more confidence being in this kind of crazy world.
So, to answer your question, I'm an entrepreneur, business opening in a couple of weeks called Soft Bar. I've invested in a few businesses. I love doing hosting, and I speak publicly about some of my ups and downs. I have a podcast that I'm working on with Sony. My memoir with Cake Eater. I work with brands. I do different events. I'm running the New York City Marathon in November. So, I've been training for the last two and a half months to run and train. Part of why I'm running is it's also aligned with my lifestyle. Mental health, running, the community of running, New York City.
It was important for me to accomplish a goal, but also what it means to the community of people that I'm trying to build. Hopefully inspire them to be healthier with their lifestyle, show that a 6'5" guy that randomly out of nowhere can run a New York City Marathon. I'm a good athlete, but I've never run like that. I've gotten into it and I've trained and now I'm getting better. But I don't know, just showing people that you could be in the depths of a horrible addiction and really struggling, and with some time and energy and help and support and really some hard work, you can be in a position to do pretty amazing—I never would have thought in a million years I'd be running a marathon. As simple as that. Now, I still got to do it, but I'm training and I publicly put it out there, so I'm holding myself accountable.
NR: And now you actually have to do it.
CR: Now I got to do it. So, yeah, that's kind of who Carl is and what I've got going on these next few weeks or whatever.
NR: That is amazing, and that's a lot to pack into a few weeks.
CR: That's how I operate. I think a lot. I have an active brain. And the more that I'm actually structured and busy and have a routine, the better I am. It's when I'm not doing stuff and not going for things is when you sit around, you're kind of complacent, and that's when your mind can race. That's, for me, when I start thinking, "Oh, wait, maybe I should go drink or something." I don't always feel that way, but yeah, being busy has helped me do what I do. If I wasn't busy, I'd be in a much worse place. So, I try to stack my schedule, and it's allowed me to actually go for my dreams and goals, because I'm not clouded by hangovers and just constantly chasing things that weren't healthy for me.
NR: I'm glad that you were here.
CR: Thank you. Thank you for having me.
NR: Thank you for taking the time. And listeners, you can get Cake Eater on Audible now.
