Dirk Lloyd has a dark secret. He is the earthly incarnation of a Dark Lord, supreme ruler of the Darklands and leader of armies of orcs and warriors intent on destruction. Following a final battle between the forces of good and evil, the Dark Lord was defeated and hurled into the Pit of Uttermost Despair. At the bottom of the Pit is a supermarket car park in the town of Whiteshields, in modern day England. When he is found, and tries to explain that he is the Dark Lord, people think he means Dirk Lloyd.
Sooz, a 13-year-old girl from Surrey, has become the Dark Mistress of Dirk's otherworldly kingdom, the Darklands. Thanks to the Ring of Power given to her by Dirk, his minions recognize her as their ruler. Sooz immediately sets about redecorating Dirk's Dark Tower to the taste of a young girl. But Sooz has to face her toughest challenge when an army of fanatical paladins and orcs gather to march against her.