Showing results by author "The Onion" in All Categories
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The Onion Book of Known Knowledge
- A Definitive Encyclopaedia of Existing Information
- By: The Onion
- Narrated by: Avery Sanford, June Bunt
- Length: 3 hrs and 46 mins
- Unabridged
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Are you a witless cretin with no reason to live? Would you like to know more about every piece of knowledge ever? Do you have cash? Then congratulations, because just in time for the death of the publishing industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you will ever need: The Onion's compendium of all things known. Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, figures, statistics, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information.
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Not at all unabridged
- By Joe on 11-15-12
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The Onion Book of Known Knowledge
- A Definitive Encyclopaedia of Existing Information
- Narrated by: Avery Sanford, June Bunt
- Length: 3 hrs and 46 mins
- Release date: 10-23-12
- Language: English
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Our Dumb World
- The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition
- By: The Onion
- Narrated by: full cast
- Length: 3 hrs and 35 mins
- Abridged
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To understand the news, the context of world geography and history is essential. That is why The Onion is publishing an audio world atlas: to help us. News that now makes no sense will now make sense; thus a new age of enlightenment. Our Dumb World contains news and historic facts from other nations, and the earth broken down and described (from its molten core to the outermost sphere), as well as demographic, economic, and other data about each country's people, industries, and habits.
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Nuggets of humor
- By Fletch on 12-25-07
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Our Dumb World
- The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition
- Narrated by: full cast
- Length: 3 hrs and 35 mins
- Release date: 10-17-07
- Language: English
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The Topical
- By: The Onion
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The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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The Beckoning Fair One
- By: Oliver Onions
- Narrated by: Tony Walker
- Length: 2 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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A man, a house, a ghost, and a murder. This whimsical tale that leads lyrically to a terrible undoing is consistently rated one of the best ghost stories ever written. The twist at the end is wholly unexpected and the listener is left guessing whether, Paul Oleron, a failing novelist is the victim of an evil succubus that haunts his house and his dreams, or he is guilty of a terrible betrayal.
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The Beckoning Fair One
- Narrated by: Tony Walker
- Length: 2 hrs and 30 mins
- Release date: 08-24-20
- Language: English
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The President of Vice
- The Autobiography of Joe Biden
- By: The Onion
- Narrated by: Joe Barrett
- Length: 2 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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The Onion is proud to present The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. In this scandalous memoir, America's favorite politician discusses his early years, before he became ultimate wingman to the leader of the free world. For the first time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative experiences of his life, including his childhood selling hooch in Scranton, his years cruising college campuses picking up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summer of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware.
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Less funny in 2018
- By Ian Hardouin on 10-08-18
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The President of Vice
- The Autobiography of Joe Biden
- Narrated by: Joe Barrett
- Length: 2 hrs and 17 mins
- Release date: 04-02-13
- Language: English
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A Very Fatal Murder
- By: The Onion
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A Very Fatal Murder sends Onion Public Radio (OPR) correspondent David Pascall from New York City to the sleepy town of Bluff Springs, Nebraska to investigate the mysterious death of a 17-year-old girl, Hayley Price. Hayley was a popular, smart animal lover, with a bright future ahead of her. Everyone in town knew her name, and now everyone in town is a suspect. Join David as he works to understand why the initial investigation of Hayley’s death failed, and how a very inquisitive and Pulitzer-hungry podcast host might shed new light on the case.
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Widdershins
- The First Book of Ghost Stories
- By: Oliver Onions
- Narrated by: Paul Boehmer, Gabrielle de Cuir, Rosalyn Landor, and others
- Length: 8 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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At first blush, Widdershins is a conventional haunted house story involving an unsuccessful writer who moves into an empty house in hope that isolation will help his failing creativity. His sensitivity and imagination are enhanced by his seclusion, but his art, his only friend, and his sanity are all destroyed in the process. It can be interpreted as narrating the gradual possession of the protagonist by a mysterious, possessive feminine spirit, or as a realistic description of a psychotic outbreak culminating in catatonia and murder, told from the psychotic subject’s view.
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Oliver Onions- explorer of borders and gateways
- By BK on 02-08-22
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Widdershins
- The First Book of Ghost Stories
- Narrated by: Paul Boehmer, Gabrielle de Cuir, Rosalyn Landor, Stefan Rudnicki
- Length: 8 hrs and 22 mins
- Release date: 10-22-19
- Language: English
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The World Is at a Loss over Who to Admire after Tom Hanks Murders 5 Californians
- Narrated by: Doyle Redland
- Length: 1 min
- Release date: 12-13-17
- Language: English
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Widdershins
- By: Oliver Onions
- Narrated by: Dianne Burroughs
- Length: 6 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Oliver Onions (a pseudonym of George Oliver's) was a significant English novelist. He wrote this collection of ghost stories under the title Widdershins. The first story, "The Beckoning Fair One", is widely regarded as one of the best in the genre of horror fiction, especially psychological horror. The story can be read as narrating the gradual possession of the protagonist by a mysterious and possessive feminine spirit, or as a psychotic outbreak culminating in catatonia and murder.
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Preferred reading it
- By Dix on 04-20-16
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Widdershins
- Narrated by: Dianne Burroughs
- Length: 6 hrs and 29 mins
- Release date: 12-26-04
- Language: English
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A Very Fatal Murder
- By: The Onion
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A Very Fatal Murder sends Onion Public Radio (OPR) correspondent David Pascall from New York City to the sleepy town of Bluff Springs, Nebraska to investigate the mysterious death of a 17-year-old girl, Hayley Price. Hayley was a popular, smart animal lover, with a bright future ahead of her. Everyone in town knew her name, and now everyone in town is a suspect. Join David as he works to understand why the initial investigation of Hayley’s death failed, and how a very inquisitive and Pulitzer-hungry podcast host might shed new light on the case.
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Don't Bring Lulu
- Her Family's Tale of Trial and Triumph
- By: Ron Onions, Doris Onions, Sarah Onions
- Narrated by: Christopher Terry, Amanda Bolton, Sarah Onions, and others
- Length: 9 hrs and 49 mins
- Unabridged
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British TV reporter Ron Onions was based in New York at a momentous period of US history, covering the moon landings and the assassination of Martin Luther King. Yet at the same time as his high-flying career was taking this transatlantic turn, he was facing tough choices at home: his younger daughter, four-year-old Lulu had been born without a thyroid gland, and her resulting severely disruptive symptoms posed a huge challenge for her caring family.
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Don't Bring Lulu
- Her Family's Tale of Trial and Triumph
- Narrated by: Christopher Terry, Amanda Bolton, Sarah Onions, Lucy Terry
- Length: 9 hrs and 49 mins
- Release date: 03-20-17
- Language: English
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A Local Man Experimented With Sex Back in College
- Narrated by: Marichelle Kawachi
- Length: Less than 1 minute
- Release date: 12-28-16
- Language: English
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FedEx Confirms That More Than 600,000 People Try to Mail Themselves Each Year
- By: The Onion
- Narrated by: Doyle Redland
- Length: Less than 1 minute
- Original Recording
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FedEx officials say the allure of being delivered in 3-5 business days is just too much to pass up.
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FedEx Confirms That More Than 600,000 People Try to Mail Themselves Each Year
- Narrated by: Doyle Redland
- Length: Less than 1 minute
- Release date: 09-22-17
- Language: English
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The Accident
- By: Oliver Onions
- Narrated by: Dianne Burroughs
- Length: 36 mins
- Unabridged
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This creepy tale from Widdershins follows the same pattern as the others in the book: the supernatural element in it can be otherwise explained - that is, the strange happenings can be understood as being supernatural or merely mental aberrations of the protagonist. In either case, the story is meticulously written and quite chilling.
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The Accident
- Narrated by: Dianne Burroughs
- Length: 36 mins
- Release date: 05-15-07
- Language: English
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A Local Man Pours All His Culinary Talents Into Inserting and Removing a Pizza From His Oven
- By: The Onion
- Narrated by: Marichelle Kawachi
- Length: Less than 1 minute
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This just in from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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A Local Man Pours All His Culinary Talents Into Inserting and Removing a Pizza From His Oven
- Narrated by: Marichelle Kawachi
- Length: Less than 1 minute
- Release date: 07-27-17
- Language: English
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An Area Woman's Baseless Hatred of Anne Hathaway Is Reciprocated
- Narrated by: Marichelle Kawachi
- Length: Less than 1 minute
- Release date: 07-19-17
- Language: English
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A Bewildered Local Woman Reports That She Somehow Wasn't Harassed Today
- By: The Onion
- Narrated by: Marichelle Kawachi
- Length: Less than 1 minute
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This just in from The Onion, America's finest news source.
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A Bewildered Local Woman Reports That She Somehow Wasn't Harassed Today
- Narrated by: Marichelle Kawachi
- Length: Less than 1 minute
- Release date: 07-13-17
- Language: English
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