During our weekly meeting last Monday, my publisher suggested the title "Why" and its corresponding subtitle for my book. I'm incredibly pleased with the suggestions and eagerly agreed with them immediately. Then I announced it online, and the ensuing discussions have only heightened my enthusiasm.

I like the title Why because it is open-ended and doesn’t end with a question mark. “Why” is a powerful little word that will meet the reader where they are at. It can be read as a question or a statement.

For writers, that is like word magic! :)

So far, the feedback has been incredibly optimistic about the title and subtitle. Interestingly, a handful of people who knew me in my self-loathing ex-gay days asked why it didn’t say, “Why Conversion Therapy?” or some derivation of that. The subtitle foreshadows why Why isn’t narrowed down to one topic:

I survived abuse only to live a lie before learning to thrive as my true self.

Living a lie is when I lived and promoted ex-gay ideology (conversion therapy of a religious nature) for twenty-three years (twenty-one within Exodus). But I am about to turn 55 in a couple of weeks. That means 32 years of my life have nothing to do with Exodus or trying to live a lie. This memoir is not confined to the self-loathing version of me, so it wouldn’t be accurate to modify the title Why along the conversion therapy lines.

From 1968 to 1992, I went through hell. Absolute hell. I experienced every kind of abuse (i.e., emotional terrorism, physical assault, sexual assault, systemic disenfranchisement, losing friends to AIDS, etc.) long before I heard of Exodus or what an “ex-gay movement” was. This traumatic conditioning (PTSD) is what set me up to think that the lie was Truth with a capital “T” (religious ‘cause God said so!’ kind of truth). So much so that I started teaching and promoting the lie, which then spread the destruction to others. But tragedy happened in 2013 that exposed the lie for what it was, destructive and sometimes deadly abuse.

Eventually, I came out in 2015 and have been learning to thrive as my true self ever since. The book goes into all that and connects many dots that I am confident readers will identify with or at least come to a deeper understanding of how some of us ended up in the cult of ex-gay ministry and its ideology.

But in another way, my story is like any other human story. Mine might be a steroid-level WTF kind of messy, but I don’t know a soul whose journey doesn’t have some WTF kind of mess at some point. Living life tends to be full of good decisions, horrible decisions, and consequences…lots of consequences. But it is also a human story of doing better once you know better, not just to live but to make amends, seek justice, and thrive.

Add in all that drama sprinkled with a good dose of sardonic wit, and you get a memoir that I hope will inform, inspire, and positively impact the reader no matter what their “Why” was when they first opened the book.

Coming in 2023, my memoir Why — Published by IOM Inspirebytes - Author Profile

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Hello Friends!

It’s been a bit quiet since my last post, huh? That has been on purpose. After feedback and talking with my publisher last month, it seemed best to beef up this one post a week instead of several, splitting my time and attention throughout the week. Plus, editing the book will take more and more energy as we progress to try to get it published next year (maybe mid-year?) I will still post on Facebook and Instagram whenever the mood hits, so join me there. I am @rrscobey on both.

This weekly newsletter and podcast will come out every Saturday!

Last Monday, I discussed with The Grand GETEL (Greatest Editor That Ever Lived). The Grand Getel said my memoir is another powerful “human” journey. As such, it transcends any particular aspect of a singular event or experience within that journey.

I have been working on integrating all the compartments of my fractured life for quite a while. As a result, I know what it is like to transcend any particular good or bad experience. However, this exercise in self-actualization took on a new depth during and after our discussion.

Writing from the “whole” of my truth, instead of being limited to the opinions and expectations of others I have built up in my head, will make the memoir more impactful, purposeful, and relatable.

While some of my journey’s plot points are like a startling roller-coasters running the whole gamut of human joys, trials, and tribulations… it’s deeply human at its core. I love reading and hearing others’ stories and look forward to presenting mine in this memoir next year.

Beyond The Stained Glass Closet is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The Dandy Doggos, Queen Gigi the Grey, and Eli the Dramahuahua have had a rough week. Eli has gotten out of hand for the past few months with his possessiveness, aggression, and purposeful “accidents” in the house. We had a pretty big tiff Monday when he mauled my thumb again for having the nerve to put him down off my lap.

Eli can be such a complete a*****e! But I love him so…

I was at a breaking point but reflected on what could be different to cause him to act out ALL the time. It didn’t take long to realize Gigi has been getting way more attention lately. Eli rules through power, and Gigi governs the humans through nonstop kisses and hugs. Recently, she has constantly been taking his toys, bumping him out of the way for attention or cuddle time, and even stealing his food when he would get distracted and walk away for a split second.

So I started walking him alone, not with Gigi, which has made an enormous difference. Also, last night we got them both toys and did not let Gigi take Eli’s toy away from him. We had to pry it out of her mouth twice (a sneaky girl!), and Gigi still thinks she needs to be the center of attention for everything. However, she got better as the week progressed while still making her displeasure of not being put first in a few situations known (huffing, stomping off). She is and always has been super duper sweet so I am sure she will adapt.

Watching Eli silly growl at and playfully toss his toy in the air was fun. Chasing Gigi when she got the zoomies with her new ball was also fun. Eli is a real curmudgeon, but I think he’s a little happier knowing he’s being intentionally singled out for attention and engaged with love.

That sounds like a life lesson… lol. At least Eli hasn’t tried to maul my thumb again this week.

I haven’t written anything about current controversies or the ex-gay menace that still exists because I don’t have the bandwidth. And that’s ok. Life is more than one aspect of it… right?! :) So, with that in mind. Here’s an endearing, adorable despite itself photo that encapsulates the way this week went around the Dandy Ranch:

Let’s have the courage to be our beautiful selves together,

Hello friends! Merry Saturday to you.

I found a newly added feature in my Canva Pro (what I used to create the graphics here), and I love it. So you may see more fun, artistic changes on the website and a more consistent “style” in the visuals. Of course, all feedback is encouraged and appreciated. Do you like it? love it? … meh? lol.

The BTSGC Podcast Now Consists of Post Voiceovers That Are Recorded on Saturday Mornings

As is always the case when I move to a new platform, I bite off more than I can chew, and everything shakes out to what I can actually do rather quickly. Creating a whole podcast show (in the traditional sense) takes hours (for me). Add that to the bill-paying job, editing the memoir, and my side gig (content creation, social media monitoring) I don’t have enough hours with my family.

And, we can’t have that.

That said, I have found that I can easily add article voiceovers to the articles I have written in the past week. I do that on Saturday mornings and publish them to the podcast feed. The audio gets picked up by all the podcast platforms BTSGC is on. So there is fresh podcast content usually late in the day on Saturdays and definitely by Sunday. So if you want to listen to my posts, look for the Beyond The Stained Glass Closet on most major podcast platforms. The links to some of the big ones are on the homepage of this substack (scroll down a bit).

Last Week Was Tough

I never worry about being seen as an activist, leader, or whatever. I am just a guy doing his thing by following his heart and writing about it. I share like-minded goals with higher-profile people considered activists/advocates. I often have conversations with them, usually behind the scenes, to help where I can.

So last week, when I read about Sam Brinton, it was tough. I respect Sam, but they have been charged with two counts of stealing luggage. I learned the details of their survivor story last week, even though we had several long conversations a few years ago. These charges also put a negative spotlight on Sam’s survivor story. I hope Sam corrects the doubters and answers the questions Wayne Besen asked last week. I’m still a fan of Sam in the sense I will support them if they come forward and lay it all on the table. I can’t believe the heart of gold I met a few years ago won’t face these very difficult questions and circumstances and do so honestly, even though they may have made some really bad decisions.

As Nelson Mandela said, “It’s never too late to do the right thing.”

My post about Sam and another one about Milo Yiannopoulos is linked below.

Let’s have the courage to be our beautiful selves, together. Have a great weekend!

Randy

Beyond The Stained Glass Closet is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Last Week’s Articles

Hello Friends!

Here is the BTSGC Weekly Update!

Monday started great with a memoir editing meeting. It was a fantastic time. We were entirely in sync, and I loved it. We started digging into the content editing of the memoir, and it was challenging in some good ways. It sparks joy to see necessary information filled in, distractions removed, and what needs to be said done with clarity, oomph, and sometimes a good dose of humor. :)

I love the process they have created. It is entirely different from the process I had when I contributed to books in the past. Much more interested in my voice instead of someone else's agenda. Very cool! I am now beyond convinced I found the right publishing home.

BTSGC Community

The BTSGC posts have had one of the busiest weeks since coming to Substack in September. Empathy is a lost art and one I am trying to continue to grow in, and responding to former colleagues while standing in my truth with confidence is empowering. The posts are listed below, as usual. These posts generated great private conversations with both survivors and allies. I am very grateful. Thank you!

You are amazing. Have a beautiful day and a wonderful week.

An old friend who used to edit a youth magazine for Focus On The Family left a comment on one of my Instagram posts about the Club Q shooter. Let’s call him Fred. I will parse it into this post's relevant subject matter (does not include his full comment) and respond to each section.

Randy, I pray you follow the truth. Even if it takes you to a place where you can't blame God, but have to blame a skewed sexual identity.

Fred, I did and am following the truth, and God is who led me out of the closet. You can follow that same truth, reality even, that a person of faith (or not) can be a happy, healthy whole LGBTQ+ individual. My days of scapegoating “being gay” as the root of all problems are over. Thank God, literally.

I am eternally grateful to the Divine, not blaming anything or anyone.

…It can be difficult to accept the truth. But in the end, it's best to accept the truth. Without truth, you are untethered.

I spent over 20+ years living the evangelical version of the “truth” concerning sexuality and gender. It almost killed me, it killed a friend, and it caused a lot of destruction for many, many others in myriad ways.

I am more grounded than I have ever been.

Randy, I'm 56 years old. You may not care, but I've prayed for you, Randy, more than I've prayed for any other human on earth. You have made me a better man, and so I've been compelled to share my words to the Lord more hours than for any other person.My simple prayer: That you're in right relationship with the Lord.

I am 54; why would I care or not care about your age? I think that’s an indication of your underlying feelings. Is it possible you see me as an adversary and come to this (and your other comments on Instagram) projecting that dynamic? I don’t see myself as your adversary. Just an old, possibly former, friend. Which isn’t a mean statement. It’s all ok. It’s been well over a decade since we worked together.

Back to the point…

I didn’t know I had that kind of impact on you. But what you got in the past was someone who was manifesting my voice and conclusions but full of self-loathing. I used my skills/talents for bad goals back then. If my impact was to make you believe in that toxic exgay ideology, even more, that does bring me sorrow and regret.

I apologize for that, and to your past readers, even if you do not see the need for my apology.

About the articles I wrote for your magazine, keep in mind that while the events in them were true, and my conclusions were honestly believed at the time, my context for them was wrong regarding any idea that sexuality and gender should conform to legalistic evangelical expectations.

If your prayers are honest and from the heart, keep them coming. I love honest prayers. I will take all the positive vibes I can get. If they are with a specific agenda, remember that God already answered your prayers, just not in the way you hoped for.

Maybe God has brought me to you to impact you once again positively. Affirming LGBTQ+ people for who we are and who we love is ok.

I respect your heart. I love the Divine. I love who I am, my husband, our daughter, and what it means to be free as a gay man in congruence with his faith. If you want resource recommendations, feel free to comment below or send me an email or message.

Have a good day, Fred.

Dear Friends,

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration and honored Native Americans on National Indigenous People Day yesterday.

Well, that was heart-breaking…

Last Sunday, I woke up with my phone showing messages that there had been yet another targeted attack against the LGBTQ+ community. A deranged person went and murdered five people and wounded 25 others at Club Q in Colorado Springs. I posted about it here, and my Instagram post spread far and wide. Unfortunately, there was some trolling from wildly different people on the post. I left some of it but ended up deleting a few comments.

And the private messages… oy. Let’s not go there.

I simply wanted to challenge the religious right to stop ignoring murderous hate against the LGBTQ+ community. I was glad to hear that Jim Daly did say something about the shooting. Now, if they could stop stigmatizing LGBTQ+ people with their speakers and resources… that would be even better. I know I used to work with (not for) them, so my hope was that some of my former friends would see the challenge and take it to heart.

Creative Writing

This week I also wrote two posts that were simply fun to write. The links to them are below. Most of my substack articles are serious, but I finally permitted myself to be fun. The fun moments were on my heart to write about, so I did. To my surprise, these posts were read just as much or more than the serious topics. That pleases me and is further evidence that creatives should follow their hearts. It makes for honest writing and sheds light on there is more to life than a singular arena of issues.

Memoir Update

I am so excited about a meeting Monday morning with the editing team. I feel like a kid at Christmas. I mean, the gift will be months and months of editing … well, on second thought… nope! Still a gift! I am excited and will give updates as I can. Thank you for your support. Seeing a project from the heart manifest into the world is fantastic.

As always, let’s have the courage to be ourselves together,

Recent Articles

Beyond The Stained Glass Closet by Randy Scobey is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.