The Dance of Anger

A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

By: Harriet Lerner Ph.D.

Narrated by: Harriet Lerner

Length: 3 hrs and 2 mins

Publisher's summary

While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless.

In this vivid, engaging and eminently wise work, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating meaningful and lasting change. The challenge of anger is at the heart of our struggle with intimacy, self-esteem, and joy. The Dance of Anger has inspired more "You changed my life" stories from both women and men than perhaps any other best seller on the American scene today.

©1985 Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (P)1997, 2004 HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Critic reviews

"An inspirational message for all women....Like a family heirloom, it can be passed from generation to generation, as it is based on profound and lasting truths." (Peggy Papp, M.S.W., The Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy)

Not Outdated! Universally Relevant!

Wow! I’m blown away that I did not stumble upon this book until now. I’m a 46 year old woman, in a long term marriage, with an 8 year old daughter. I’ve had a successful professional career and have been slightly obsessed with personal growth for the last 5 years, reading just about anything I can get my hands onto.

The concepts in this book are so helpful and simple that I am finding myself literally stunned that they had not been described to me before in years of therapy, with three different therapist! Im not saying I have regrets, but I could have saved thousands of dollars and gotten to the issue more directly with this book.

While the concepts are incredibly simple and accurate, I expect the solutions to be extremely difficult to implement and integrate, as the author even cautions, but worth it.

I agree with other reviewers that gender neutrality could be helpful in applying these concepts more widely on many levels. However, I also see this book as a moment in time, and sadly recognize the current state of continued inequality in power between the sexes, and the role we play as women in perpetuating that inequality, often subconsciously.

The personal examples had me riveted and unable to put the book down. My mouth literally gapped open at the similarities between the examples and my own experiences. It’s so comforting to know it’s such a prevalent dynamic.

Also, a word about the narration. I tend to prefer it when authors read their own non-fiction material, and this book was no exception. There is another recording, by a different narrator which people seem to like. I however found the tone of that narrator’s voice dated and slightly annoying. This recording may not be the same high quality as the other, and the author has a very slow pace, but I far prefer the author’s own inflections and was easily able to absorb the concepts and appreciated the slow pace once it unfolded.

Highly recommend this book

This is a book not actually about the anger, but about how to talk to your loved once productively without blame and frustration.

Still relevant, still thinking about it

Where does The Dance of Anger rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

I don't read that many "self help" style books, so it's in its own category. But I still think about its lessons all the time, and I think it really helped me figure out some things in my own life and patterns, which I think is kind of amazing.

What other book might you compare The Dance of Anger to and why?

It's a little like Mating in Captivity--another book on relationships that brings together psychological studies and the experiences of the therapist. But I just remember the one major idea from the first book (space is sexy), and I think the Dance of Anger gave me a lot of different tools--what anger is doing for me, how to figure out the difference between which problems are mine and which are yours, and how to access my power again in any situation.

What does Harriet Lerner bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

I don't remember too much about the narration, which I think is a good thing. I think she did give it a conversational tone, which is nice.

What’s an idea from the book that you will remember?

"Whose problem is this?" When you get mad or have a fight, piece apart which things are about your past, your emotions, and your actions, and which belong to the other person. It helps remind you of what you have control over and what you don't, and to take responsibility for your own emotions and actions while still communicating with kindness.

Any additional comments?

It was written in a different time--I think relationships have changed a lot with feminism since the '80s. But we still have the same problems, and the book is definitely still very relevant. I recommend it to all my friends--even the guys, who I think would really benefit from the lessons in here too.

This book changed my life

This book was recommended to me. I have ADD so books are hard to read so I bought this in audio form. It's easy to listen to. But everything makes so much sense. It changed all my relationships for the better, even the ones that I didn't think needed to be fixed. I recommend it to anyone with relationship issues, whether it's your parent/child relationship, inlaw relationship, husband/wife relationship, sibling relationship, etc.

Great book!

Full of examples to help apply to your life.
I would highly recommend this book to everyone. Angry is a tricky thing and this book helps people use it in a healthy way. And since everyone has or should feel anger in their life, this is applicable to all.

good but missing the exercises

Where does The Dance of Anger rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

It was among my favorites

Who was your favorite character and why?

I liked the author's realistic perspective

What three words best describe Harriet Lerner’s voice?

authentic, unrehearsed, familiar

Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you?

Many of the situations were familiar

Any additional comments?

I think it would be helpful to keep this in a rotation to listen to regularly. Very helpful advice.
At the end of the audio she mentions exercises you could do, but they're not included in the audio version.

Content was good

I don’t enjoy listening to this....so much so that I actuallly sped it up to get through it faster. The content was good but the creepy music was horrible!

Excellent Advice for better communication

I never realised that anger was such an important teacher and Harriet illustrates beautifully how to use that anger for better understanding of oneself and how to better communicate one's own needs. Will definitely be using these techniques to better communicate.

Essential reading

I remember seeing the cover of this book decades ago. If only I had read it then.

It took listening to a Brene Brown podcast with Harriet about opologizing for me to run straight to this book and read it. It is the reason why I finally moved forward with an Audible account

I was not disappointed. I have had family and personal therapy through the years and have learned tidbits of what Ms Lerner teaches. In this book she gives concrete real life role playing examples of how to dramatically improve your relationships especially with self. I can’t recommend it highly enough

Only special

I was very, very, disappointed in this book for three reasons. The first was that I expected a more comprehensive coverage of causes of anger (after reading the description provided) and tools for coping with anger. This book almost exclusively addressed only two very specific sources of anger, either spousal (or significant other) or adult-child/parental relationships. This would have been fine had the description specified such, and not made it appear to be much more entailing. There are so many, many other daily reasons for anger in a woman's every day life (interestingly, there is absolutely no mention whatsoever of mother/teen daughter relationship anger, which is one of the most explosive relationships women experience). Also, the book almost exclusively seems to makes the determination that anger felt by women is caused by non-assertion (I found this particularly annoying/insulting) and that if we would assert ourselves more, or stop being over-emotional, our anger could be more easily controlled. Finally, at the end of the book, you learn that you must buy the printed book to take the "tests" recommended to learn courses of action (this made me feel particularly "duped"). I would not buy recommend this book at all.