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I Choose Darkness
- A Holiday Essay
- Narrated by: Jenny Lawson
- Length: 38 mins
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Publisher's summary
From cheap costumes to creepy dolls to questionable candy, number one New York Times bestselling author Jenny Lawson weaves a hauntingly hilarious account of her ongoing—sometimes outrageous—Halloween life.
The holly-jolly holidays aren’t for everyone, least of all when you look back on that one Christmas when there were two definitely haunted dolls waiting for you and your sister under the tree. You have to assume that’s where it all started.
And so it was for Jenny Lawson. Now, she lives in the land of eternal Halloween, as evidenced by her interior decor and general state of darkness. (Although, if you ask her, her taxidermy zoo is less dark, more delightful. But not everyone has taste, so what are you going to do?)
This essay takes Jenny back to where it all started, from her humble beginnings as a trick-or-treater in the 1980s, on high alert for (logistically improbable) candy laced with razor blades and the (allegedly) ever-present threat of satanists on the loose. From there, she has risen from the candy-wrapper ashes of her childhood to claim her rightful lifestyle as the queen of Halloween.
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Carlos Eire's story of a boyhood uprooted by the Cuban Revolution quickly lures us in, as eleven-year-old Carlos and his older brother Tony touch down in the sun-dappled Miami of 1962 - a place of daunting abundance where his old Cuban self must die to make way for a new, American self waiting to be born. In this enchanting new work, narrated in Eire's inimitable and lyrical voice, young Carlos adjusts to life in his new country.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Excellent memoir of a forgotten time in history
- By BRB on 03-23-15
By: Carlos Eire
-
There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say
- By: Paula Poundstone
- Narrated by: Paula Poundstone
- Length: 5 hrs and 59 mins
- Abridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 575
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 360
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 355
What do the lives of Lincoln, Helen Keller, Joan of Arc, and other historical figures have in common with Paula Poundstone? In the hands of this wryly observant and self-deprecating comedian, the answer is outrageously funny and unexpectedly touching. Poundstone compares her crazy life to theirs, as she holds forth on her children, her career, and the time in her life when it appeared she would lose them both.
-
5 out of 5 stars
-
More!
- By Evelyn on 02-11-07
By: Paula Poundstone
-
Housebroken
- Admissions of an Untidy Life
- By: Laurie Notaro
- Narrated by: Laurie Notaro
- Length: 6 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 134
-
Performance4 out of 5 stars 122
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 122
Number-one New York Times best-selling author Laurie Notaro isn't exactly a domestic goddess - unless that means she fully embraces her genetic hoarding predisposition, sneaks peeks at her husband's daily journal, or has made a list of the people she wants on her Apocalypse Survival team (her husband's not on it). Notaro chronicles her chronic misfortune in the domestic arts, including cooking, cleaning, and putting on Spanx while sweaty (which should technically qualify as an Olympic sport).
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Wonderful
- By Carlie on 07-28-16
By: Laurie Notaro
-
The World's Largest Man
- A Memoir
- By: Harrison Scott Key
- Narrated by: Harrison Scott Key
- Length: 9 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall5 out of 5 stars 195
-
Performance5 out of 5 stars 181
-
Story5 out of 5 stars 181
Harrison Scott Key was born in Memphis, but he grew up in Mississippi, among pious, Bible-reading women and men who either shot things or got women pregnant. At the center of his world was his larger-than-life father - a hunter, a fighter, and a football coach. Harrison, with his love of books and excessive interest in hugging, couldn't have been less like Pop, and when it became clear that he was not able to kill anything very well or otherwise make his father happy, he resolved to become everything his father was not.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
I laughed every day to and from work. Loved it!
- By KufRN on 06-06-18
-
Tango: My Childhood, Backwards and in High Heels
- By: Justin Vivian Bond
- Narrated by: Justin Vivian Bond
- Length: 2 hrs and 31 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 40
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 35
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 35
Recently hailed as "the greatest cabaret artist of [V's] generation" in The New Yorker, Mx. Justin Vivian Bond makes a brilliant literary debut with this staggeringly candid and hilarious novella-length memoir. With a recent diagnosis of attention deficit disorder, and news that V's first lover from childhood has been imprisoned for impersonating an undercover police officer, Bond recalls in vivid detail coming of age as a trans kid. Always haunted by the knowledge of being "different," Bond was further confused when the bully next door wanted to meet secretly. Their trysts went on for years, and made Bond acutely aware of sexual power and vulnerability. With inimitable style, Bond raises issues about LGBTQ adolescence, homophobia, parenting, and sexuality, while being utterly entertaining.
-
5 out of 5 stars
-
Justin Vivian Bond Knocks It Out of the Park
- By Susie on 01-15-14
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Garden Spells
- By: Sarah Addison Allen
- Narrated by: Susan Ericksen
- Length: 7 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 3,051
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 2,386
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 2,397
The Waverleys have always been a curious family, endowed with peculiar gifts that make them outsiders even in their hometown of Bascom, North Carolina. Even their garden has a reputation, famous for its feisty apple tree that bears prophetic fruit, and its edible flowers, imbued with special powers.
Generations of Waverleys tended this garden. Their history was in the soil. But so were their futures.
Together again in the house they grew up in, the Waverley sisters realize they must deal with their common legacy - if they are ever to feel at home in Bascom - or with each other.
-
4 out of 5 stars
-
I so want to give it 5 stars...!!!!
- By Joihelene on 10-09-10
-
She Got Up Off the Couch
- By: Haven Kimmel
- Narrated by: Haven Kimmel
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 273
-
Performance5 out of 5 stars 186
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 187
When we last saw Zippy, she was oblivious to the storm that was brewing in her home. Her mother, Delonda, had literally just gotten up off the couch and ridden her rickety bicycle down the road. Her dad was off somewhere, gambling or "working." And Zippy was lost in her own fabulous world of exploring the fringes of Moorland, Indiana.
-
4 out of 5 stars
-
Great fun !!
- By Kim on 04-20-11
By: Haven Kimmel
-
Stories I'd Tell in Bars
- By: Jen Lancaster
- Narrated by: Jen Lancaster, John Fletcher
- Length: 8 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 360
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 322
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 319
Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Older, but not wiser, Lancaster goes back to basics in this hilarious essay collection about everything from taking community policing classes to accidentally getting high with her waiter after a fancy dinner. These are the tales she'd tell if she met you in a bar... if she weren't too lazy to put on pants and go to a bar. Offering advice ranging from how to remain happily married to a man who refuses to blow his damn nose already to not creating An Incident at the cheese counter during an attempt at Whole30, she's you, only louder.
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2 out of 5 stars
-
self absorbed
- By D D H on 06-15-19
By: Jen Lancaster
-
Too Close to the Falls
- A Memoir
- By: Catherine Gildiner
- Narrated by: Allyson Johnson
- Length: 11 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 129
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 112
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 115
Welcome to the childhood of Catherine McClure Gildiner. It is the middle of the 1950s in Lewiston, New York, a small and sleepy American town very near Niagara Falls. No one is divorced. Mothers wear high heels to the beauty salon and children pop Pez candy and swing from vines over a local gorge. But at the tender age of four, it becomes clear to her Cathy's parents that their rambunctious daughter is no ordinary child and they soon put her "to work" at her father's pharmacy.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Brilliant and funny and touching.
- By Kindle Customer on 11-07-19
-
Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic
- And Other Opinions I Can't Back Up with Facts
- By: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Narrated by: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Length: 4 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 75
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 67
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 67
In this latest mommy audiobook from the popular blogger, author, and TV personality, Stefanie will share her secrets for achieving a balance in motherhood between being protective and caring and downright bats--t crazy. She'll debunk some of the looniest parenting myths and reinforce others; she'll describe how, through as simple a process as good old trial and error, she's learned to pick and choose what works for her and her family, and tune out the rest.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
You’re A Parent Now...Don't Mess It Up
- By Tim on 04-16-15
-
A Girl Named Zippy
- Growing Up Small in Mooreland, Indiana
- By: Haven Kimmel
- Narrated by: Haven Kimmel
- Length: 6 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 537
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 370
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 374
When Haven Kimmel was born in 1965, Mooreland, Indiana, was a sleepy little hamlet of 300 people. Nicknamed "Zippy" for the way she would bolt around the house, this small girl was possessed of big eyes and even bigger ears. In this witty and lovingly told memoir, Kimmel takes readers back to a time when small-town America was caught in the amber of the innocent postwar period - people helped their neighbors, went to church on Sunday, and kept barnyard animals in their backyards.
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5 out of 5 stars
-
Beautifully written, beautifully read.
- By shopgirl on 03-06-08
By: Haven Kimmel
-
Autobiography of a Fat Bride
- True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood
- By: Laurie Notaro
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 7 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 50
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 42
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 43
In Autobiography of a Fat Bride, Laurie Notaro tries painfully to make the transition from all-night partyer and bar-stool regular to mortgagee with plumbing problems and no air conditioning. Laurie finds grown-up life just as harrowing as her reckless youth, as she meets Mr. Right, moves in, settles down, and crosses the toe-stubbing threshold of matrimony.
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4 out of 5 stars
-
Hilarious
- By MissSusie66 on 05-10-12
By: Laurie Notaro
-
Labor Day
- By: Joyce Maynard
- Narrated by: Wilson Bethel
- Length: 6 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 473
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 393
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 394
In a manner evoking Ian McEwan's Atonement and Nick Hornby's About a Boy, acclaimed author Joyce Maynard weaves a beautiful, poignant tale of love, sex, adolescence, and devastating treachery as seen through the eyes of a young teenage boy - and the man he later becomes - looking back at an unexpected encounter that begins one single, long, hot, life-altering weekend.
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3 out of 5 stars
-
Good story but anti clamatic
- By Nana on 11-25-13
By: Joyce Maynard
-
Laughing Without an Accent
- Adventures of an Iranian American, at Home and Abroad
- By: Firoozeh Dumas
- Narrated by: Firoozeh Dumas
- Length: 5 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 304
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 173
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 175
In the best-selling memoir Funny in Farsi, Firoozeh Dumas recounted her adventures growing up Iranian American in Southern California. Now she again mines her rich Persian heritage in Laughing Without an Accent, sharing stories both tender and humorous on being a citizen of the world, on her well-meaning family, and on amusing cultural conundrums, all told with insights into the universality of the human condition. (Hint: It may have to do with brushing and flossing daily.)
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1 out of 5 stars
-
Sigh
- By Sara on 01-29-14
By: Firoozeh Dumas
-
Why I Hate Green Beans
- And Other Confessions About Relationships, Reality TV, and How We See Ourselves
- By: Lincee Ray
- Narrated by: Lincee Ray
- Length: 4 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 61
-
Performance5 out of 5 stars 53
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 53
If there is one thing Lincee Ray has learned over the years, it's that the majority of women on the planet struggle with insecurities. Our skinny jeans mock us. Our just-trying-to-help mothers are just driving us crazy. Our social media feeds taunt us with everyone else's picture-perfect lives. It's enough to send you on a gummy-bear bender while binge-watching Friends reruns and not showering for a week. Lincee knows. She's been there. Right there, in fact. Gummy bears and all.
-
5 out of 5 stars
-
Perfect in every way!
- By Anonymous User on 10-19-22
By: Lincee Ray
-
Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight?
- Confessions of a Gay Dad
- By: Dan Bucatinsky
- Narrated by: Dan Bucatinsky
- Length: 5 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 866
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 795
-
Story4.5 out of 5 stars 794
In 2005, Dan Bucatinsky and his partner, Don Roos, found themselves in an L.A. delivery room, decked out in disposable scrubs from shower cap to booties, to welcome their adopted baby girl - launching their frantic yet memorable adventures into fatherhood. Two and a half years later, the same birth mother - a heroically generous, pack-a-day teen with a passion for Bridezilla marathons and Mountain Dew - delivered a son into the couple’s arms.
-
3 out of 5 stars
-
A Parenting Book with Humor and Heart
- By The Reading Date on 02-05-14
By: Dan Bucatinsky
-
Everything Is Awful
- And Other Observations
- By: Matt Bellassai
- Narrated by: Matt Bellassai
- Length: 6 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4.5 out of 5 stars 1,038
-
Performance4.5 out of 5 stars 953
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 949
From the break-out star of BuzzFeed and the People's Choice Award-winning comedian comes a collection of hilariously anguished essays chronicling awful moments from his life so far, the humiliations of being an adult, and other little indignities. Matt Bellassai has no idea what he's doing. Well, to be fair, he did become semi-Internet famous by getting drunk at work, making him a socially-acceptable - nay - professional alcoholic. He's got some things figured out. But the rest is all just a terrible, disgusting mess.
-
5 out of 5 stars
-
Best Audio Book I’ve heard ever.
- By M on 11-23-17
By: Matt Bellassai
-
Waiting for Snow in Havana
- Confessions of a Cuban Boy
- By: Carlos Eire
- Narrated by: David Drummond
- Length: 16 hrs and 6 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall4 out of 5 stars 277
-
Performance4 out of 5 stars 240
-
Story4 out of 5 stars 244
A childhood in a privileged household in 1950s Havana was joyous and cruel, like any other - but with certain differences. The neighbor's monkey was liable to escape and run across your roof. Surfing was conducted by driving cars across the breakwater. Lizards and firecrackers made frequent contact. Carlos Eire's childhood was a little different from most. His father was convinced he had been Louis XVI in a past life. At school, classmates were attended by chauffeurs and bodyguards. Then, in January 1959, the world changed....
-
3 out of 5 stars
-
Poorly chosen narrator
- By LS on 02-10-16
By: Carlos Eire
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For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris - Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut. Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives - the ones we'd like to pretend never happened - are in fact the ones that define us. In Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor.
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Laurie Notaro has proved everyone wrong: she didn’t end up in rehab, prison, or cremated at a tender age. She just went gray. At past fifty, every hair’s root is a symbol of knowledge (she knows how to use a landline), experience (she rode in a car with no seat belts), and superpowers (a gray-haired lady can get away with anything). Though navigating midlife is initially upsetting—the cracking noises coming from her new old body, receiving regular junk mail from mortuaries—Laurie accepts it. And then some.
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3 out of 5 stars
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Meh. Maybe funnier with a different narrator
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Dismissed by a bored author at a book signing, a betrayed young man named David Sedaris made a vow. Someday, when it was his turn at the table, he’d connect with his readers. The experience has been even more revealing than he’d hoped.In this hilarious and perceptive essay, the celebrated humorist reflects on the unusual patterns of forced socialization between author and audience, and the obligations and sometimes surprising returns of not-so-chance encounters with strangers: jokes, secrets, insights, and even charity.
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What listeners say about I Choose Darkness
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Jeremy
- 10-24-22
never disappointed
Jenny is my kindred spirit and I wish we were best friends. I also was forced into those same costumes and more politically incorrect options over the years. oh and how many times was I forced to be Annie...
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Riley Pennington
- 10-31-22
A new Halloween Favorite
This was such an unexpected treat! I will now be listening to this each Halloween 🎃 👻
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
-
Story5 out of 5 stars
- Brandee
- 02-01-23
JENNY LAWSON ROCKS!!!
She's magical. This story is wonderful, like her. She is so funny and whimsical. This is about Halloween, and it's great!
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
-
Story5 out of 5 stars
- DebbieDD
- 10-19-22
Awesome
This is hilarious. The author does great narration and the story is so relatable, I'm not sure who to share it with first, my cousins or my brothers.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
-
Story5 out of 5 stars
- gizapuff
- 10-17-22
100% Entertaining!
I almost never leave reviews but I had to speak up. Literally almost every sentence in this book is entertaining! The author has an amusing down home charm and hilarious sense of humour that carries throughout the book. It brought back memories of similar experiences that filled me with warmth.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Ed Ferling
- 09-30-23
Want More of Jenny Lawson!!
Loved it! I have been hooked on her books since the first one. Always waiting on the newest for the Laughs & adventures, but it never comes soon enough. FromS.F.💖
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story4 out of 5 stars
- Mindy Rubelmann
- 11-28-23
Lol
I Love everything by Jenny Lawson because she is awesome! I laughed out loud. Fantastic!
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- C. Porter
- 10-10-22
this author can read
this author can read. well done and funny. I hope this is enough words.. .
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Overall3 out of 5 stars
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Performance1 out of 5 stars
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Story1 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 10-11-22
Yikes!
The story was unpleasant and all over the place. It was like the drunken call you get from a long lost friend. I’m sorry, but the author shouldn’t have read her book her voice is irritating! And she spoke too fast. Another reader might have been able to help make this a better listen.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
- designsbybarbsravon
- 01-04-23
Hysterical Halloween
Jenny shares her holiday memories of basically Texas Halloween celebrations. Great for a good laugh!
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