We are currently making improvements to the Audible site. In an effort to enhance the accessibility experience for our customers, we have created a page to more easily navigate the new experience, available at the web address www.audible.com/access.
Call anytime(888) 283-5051
I Don’t Care about Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated | [Julie Klausner]

I Don’t Care about Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated

In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care about Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love - and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. I Don't Care about Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls.
Regular Price:$19.95
  • Membership Details:
    • First book free with 30-day trial
    • $14.95/month thereafter for your choice of 1 new book each month
    • Cancel easily anytime
    • Exchange books you don't like
    • All selected books are yours to keep, even if you cancel
  • - or -

Your Likes make Audible better!

'Likes' are shared on Facebook and Audible.com. We use your 'likes' to improve Audible.com for all our listeners.

You can turn off Audible.com sharing from your Account Details page.

OK

Publisher's Summary

In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care about Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love - and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.

I Don't Care about Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man - good or otherwise - when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville.

Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't Care about Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, "TV Funhouse" on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it."

I Don't Care about Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20s doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity.

By turns explicit, funny, and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care about Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate.

©2010 Julie Klausner (P)2012 Audible, Inc.

What Members Say

Average Customer Rating

3.7 (151 )
5 star
 (48)
4 star
 (48)
3 star
 (27)
2 star
 (13)
1 star
 (15)
Overall
3.5 (140 )
5 star
 (43)
4 star
 (32)
3 star
 (33)
2 star
 (16)
1 star
 (16)
Story
4.0 (139 )
5 star
 (63)
4 star
 (42)
3 star
 (15)
2 star
 (13)
1 star
 (6)
Performance
Sort by:
  •  
    Stephanie Orlando, FL, United States 12-30-12
    Stephanie Orlando, FL, United States 12-30-12
    HELPFUL VOTES
    15
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    39
    5
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    0
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "pretty raunchy"
    Would you be willing to try another book from Julie Klausner? Why or why not?

    I enjoyed her telling, but she was a bit unsympathetic in her pathological sexual hookups.
    There was a clash with how good a writer she is and what pathetic situations she would set herself up in/how judgmental she was of other twenty-somethings trying to find out who they are.

    I would give her another chance, because this was witty writing - subject matter is very raunchy, and not in a sexy way - not for everyone.


    9 of 9 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Hillary MORRIS, CT, United States 12-28-12
    Hillary MORRIS, CT, United States 12-28-12 Member Since 2011

    avoiding road rage one book at a time...

    HELPFUL VOTES
    53
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    92
    23
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    7
    8
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "I Don't Care About How Much You Hate Men"

    No one can argue that Julie Klausner is an intelligent, extremely gifted, clever lady with anecdotes for days about her dating follies, or should I say foibles. Having my own series of comical dating missteps, there were plenty of times throughout this book that I could completely identify and I laughed heartily at her sassy quips. But then, she takes unexpected turns down dark alleys and gets reeeealllllly candid; it gets twisted and uncomfortable and I can't wait until she redirects out of her hate rant. Hey, I have horror stories too, but hers seem out of place in this mostly comedic account of her dating life. Sometimes it is downright painful to listen to the jabs she takes at her (likely unwitting) suitors, but more troubling is comprehending the self-inflicted jeopardy she routinely deposited herself in. I guess I appreciate her utter honesty, but I can't decide if all of it should have been contained in one book; it can be jarring. The thing that bugged me the most was her abhor and contempt for the men she loved so quickly, and then turned on like a viper when things didn't work out quite like she planned. She was such a WILLING victim, I feel a good portion of the poop soup was made with her own hands. At the end of the day, love is worth it, if you stop picking the low-hanging fruit and realize you can reach for more.

    20 of 22 people found this review helpful
  •  
    glamazon The Coast of Rhode Island 01-02-13
    glamazon The Coast of Rhode Island 01-02-13 Member Since 2003

    glam

    HELPFUL VOTES
    4314
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    483
    310
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    3731
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Shopping for Men at the Wrong Mall"

    I didn't expect to relate to, like or even enjoy this listen, but, in fact I found it to be off-the-charts entertaining. I knew what to expect on the "raunch meter", so I was not surprised nor offended. There were so many cringe-worthy moments that I became somewhat immune to the literality of description, and just gave in to the laughter and to the voyeuristic captures of Klausner's postcards from the Department of Damaged Men.

    I loved reading this book, and laughed out loud most of the time, though I don't find stories of trying to succeed with the most disconnected, unattractive and unavailable men to be encouraging. But I think for some women, this is the way it is, and Klausner writes with the kind of detachment that sheds humor on an otherwise bleak situation. Over the course of her life, she has certainly developed much material.

    I have no idea of Klausner's age, but haven't women already given up on having a man at all costs? I think, at least in my universe, partnering should be for enhancement of one's life, and not a liability, with which one must "deal". But many still think that for both economic and social reasons, at all costs, it's better to be a couple and pay the price. If a guy isn't adding to your life experiences, but instead comes with so many workarounds and glitches that must constantly be dealt with, why invest the time? Why complicate things, by bringing in men who disappoint on so many levels, major and minor, and why not simply choose to remain unattached?

    I am presumably from an older generation than Klausner, but I could relate to many of the situations she encounters, and to her attempted connections with men that have gone way past their "sell by" date. One gets the impression that there are huge and damaging costs to bringing a damaged man into one's life. There are far worse things than being alone - i.e. having to maintain a "relationship" that is an encumbrance rather than an asset.

    And just to satisfy affirmative action, the gender roles could easily be switched, and a similar hilarious romp could be written by a man. But whining and ranting about women is not considered especially "appropriate" in our current cultural climate, and I don't think such whines would sell.

    Though I found the circumstances rather extreme in some cases, and couldn't relate to all stories, I still enjoyed reading this, and laughed all the time I was listening.

    33 of 38 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Amy HARRISBURG, NC, United States 02-03-13
    Amy HARRISBURG, NC, United States 02-03-13 Member Since 2011
    HELPFUL VOTES
    35
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    32
    32
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    4
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Not for the faint of heart"

    If you are easily offended by swear words and raunchy, explicit sex talk, this book is not for you. Maybe I am a little too old to be reading this (mid-forties). I just thought it would be funnier than it was. Did not find it laugh out loud funny. I found her stories to be more pathetic than anything.

    4 of 4 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Nadine Woodbridge, VA, United States 10-12-13
    Nadine Woodbridge, VA, United States 10-12-13 Member Since 2013

    Long commutes make for great listening time!

    HELPFUL VOTES
    25
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    9
    9
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    13
    1
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "I Feel Sorry for the Poor Girl, but She's Fun!"
    Would you try another book from Julie Klausner and/or Julie Klausner?

    No thanks.


    What does Julie Klausner bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

    She's reads the book like a woman empowered by her experiences which I appreciate.


    If this book were a movie would you go see it?

    No thanks


    Any additional comments?

    I guess I thought from the title that this was gonna be a book where the author explains through her experiences that women have transformed into empowered breadwinners or even incredible housewives or queens of the single life while many (not all) of their male counterparts have essentially become superficial, sissy-pants.

    That's not what I listened to though.

    What it seemed to be instead was a woman talking about all the love and sex she got from losers who she, in fact, knew were losers from the first moments. She describes one guy, for example, as being "crazy" and so you listen and wait to hear about how crazy the guy is, and all that crazy turns out to be is a jerk. But she sleeps with crazy-jerk multiple times, and then seems to acknowledge her wrongdoing. Then, she seems to blame the guy for being a crazy-jerk.

    I'm not saying I don't have my stories with guys who turned out to be jerks, but I will say that the moment I uncovered that he was a jerk, I did not give the guy seconds. Forgive me for having a shamefully, self-righteous moment right now, but to stop certain men from being sappy, criminal, unemployed, weird, crazy, jerks then you have to stop sleeping with them. Instead, give the strong, unique, sane, kind, employed, upstanding citizen a chance instead.

    I'd also like to acknowledge that I'm aware the author is attempting to inform us about the things she's learned from such experiences, but I can tell from this read, that this author is indeed intelligent. Just, perhaps, easily succumb to her physical needs. If I could simplify this book into a phrase it would be:

    Ignore the selfish jerks. No seriously, ignore them. Even when you physically crave them, just don't give them your time 'cause it will eventually turn out bad.

    3 of 3 people found this review helpful
  •  
    L. Calder Fort Bragg, California USA 05-30-14
    L. Calder Fort Bragg, California USA 05-30-14 Member Since 2004

    Gardening Geek

    HELPFUL VOTES
    202
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    273
    41
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    37
    6
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "As flirty as a pleated skirt"

    Just loved this book. It kept me laughing throughout. Her fearless retelling of the myriad of relationships she's lived through was hilarious and illuminating. Her narration fit the material perfectly. Much like a brilliant night at a comedy club, to which I rarely get to go, this was a real treat. Massive collection of perfect one liners in this book. Ah, but there was some collateral damage—dumped the latest guy in my life. One of her tales matched mine exactly. She saved me much unneeded emotional kerfuffle. My heartfelt thanks Julie!

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    lisa San Francisco, CA, United States 11-04-13
    lisa San Francisco, CA, United States 11-04-13 Member Since 2010
    HELPFUL VOTES
    18
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    15
    10
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    0
    1
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Bitter Girl Bitches Loud and Hard!"
    Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?

    At the beginning I thought I would, and I enjoyed myself until about chapter 5 or 6. After that point, I realized that Julie Klausner would be A LOT funnier and her stories would be much more compelling if she weren't such a one-way BITCH! No, I would not recommend this book to my friends because it was a tiresome account of what was wrong with everyone JK dated (or tried to date) with very little, if any, empathy for these characters; A woe-is-me type tale of all the ways she is smarter than and better than the men she sets herself up for. This, of course, being her one downfall. POOOOR Julie! Uggghhh.


    Would you ever listen to anything by Julie Klausner again?

    She read well, but I was so irritated by her superiority complex only loosely masked by the theme of "oh, look what losers I choose" that I could barely finish this one.


    Could you see I Don’t Care about Your Band being made into a movie or a TV series? Who should the stars be?

    No!


    Any additional comments?

    JK is obviously bright and some of these stories *might* be funny if told differently. They are not really that crazy and none of them are that raunchy except for her language choices. (which don't offend me by any means- it's just funny to see what she says to get a reaction from readers/listeners). She has to try pretty hard to make most of the stories interesting, honestly. I know a ton of women who have much funnier, more interesting, dirtier dating stories... whatever you want. These stories just don't go anywhere!!! She dates boring or "loser-ish" guys and by and large, most of them don't like her that much. The problem is that she is so unbelievably mean, rude and unsympathetic to the characters she describes in her re-telling of the events. Who wants to hear 6 hours of a bitch fest from a girl that needs to do some soul searching before she does more writing? Please, Julie... If you can't have more empathy with your characters before you write about them... let alone (fuck) them or (blow) them, then think about how your poor parents must feel listening to this.

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Guiselle Den Haag, Netherlands 01-19-13
    Guiselle Den Haag, Netherlands 01-19-13 Member Since 2009

    Avid reader and listener. Especially (but not just) urban fantasy and romance

    HELPFUL VOTES
    124
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    94
    11
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    11
    4
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "The morning after: Coffee with Klausner"

    I actually really liked this book for three main reasons:

    First of all: the book is both written and narrated in a very close up, witty and informal manner which really drew me in from the start. It felt like I was sitting in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon with one of my funnier girlfriends, listening to her dish about her unfortunate love life. (This setup could either go very well or go terribly wrong, mind you...).

    However, secondly and thankfully: Klausner is funny! No dramatic accounts, but what the Dutch like to call sweet/sour stories. Stories that make you see the absurd and comical in "common", sometimes sad, situations. Klausner delivers these stories with a great sense of comedic timing which made me both cringe and laugh out loud.

    Third and most important of all, Klausner really knows how to juggle with words. I love it when books have (for lack of a better description) a balanced sequence of both words and sentences. This book felt a lot like that. Nice sentences, nice rhythm. Makes you want to read it on paper after you've heard it. Since I'm no writer, that's the best I can explain it. Nicely written.

    So you're sitting over a latte with you're pal Klausner and she tells you all about these guys she's dated.. Sometimes she's pretty harsh and she tends to be a bit heavy handed with the gay and lesbian references (not in a negative way)... but she's funny, so you're laughing.

    However, it is a pretty one sided conversation and Klausner's cleverly phrased stories may prompt you to hit the pause more than once or to go back 'cause you just missed on of the many jokes she's able to fit in a single sentence, but heck... You asked to be entertained and if that's what you're after, this will be a credit well spent!

    One quick word of warning: her fast pace will keep you on your toes and sometimes it might tend to the frantic.

    Four stars! Yay!

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Ellen Kansas City, MO, United States 02-12-13
    Ellen Kansas City, MO, United States 02-12-13 Member Since 2001
    HELPFUL VOTES
    141
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    105
    38
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    9
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "HILARIOUS!!!"
    What made the experience of listening to I Don’t Care about Your Band the most enjoyable?

    Delicious snark!!!!!! As good as the opening chapters of Gone Girl and almost exactly the same knowing voice--I even thought it was the same narrator. MUCH better than Chelsea Handler. Where has Julie Klausner been all my life?

    The description of the Midwestern guy (early in the book) who is missing something in his emotional makeup (compared to people from other subcultures) was the first time I ever heard anyone "get it" as far as the difference in emotional tenor with Midwesterners. I'm originally from the South, so you'd think I'd have little in common with a Jewish woman form New York, but when it comes to emotional expressiveness and tenor I was right there with her when she described the Midwestern guy as "warm with a gust of cold."

    The Miss Piggy and Kermit description was right on target, and so original.

    This book is not just about dating adventures (like many other books are). This one is far beyond its book-alikes (Chelsea Handler) in that Klausner has very sharp, important, and deep insights. Oh, I can't do it justice. She figures things out that the rest of us have noticed but couldn't quite articulate.

    Also, I think she was right on about the two types of women and what kind of fathers they had. This book is piled full of important insights like that.

    I will wait on the edge of my seat for anything and everything else Klausner writes.


    Who was your favorite character and why?

    Klausner herself. Because she wears her heart on her sleeve and thinks that's an OK way to be (unlike the cold and reserved characters who guard their hearts) and she gets bruised and doesn't mind telling us all about it. But much more than that, because she has insight into what happened and can explain it to the rest of us bewildered daters.


    What about Julie Klausner’s performance did you like?

    I thought it was the same narrator from Gone GIrl, who also has just the right inflection and tone when reading the snarky parts. YUM! Just the right amount of knowingness and snark.


    If you were to make a film of this book, what would be the tag line be?

    Admit it. You've dated him. Grab your friends and come laugh about it, 'cause they have too.


    Any additional comments?

    No one should read this in print. Everyone should listen to the audiobook.

    4 of 6 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Elisa Hong Kong, Hong Kong 01-11-13
    Elisa Hong Kong, Hong Kong 01-11-13 Member Since 2007

    I'll give everything a try

    HELPFUL VOTES
    38
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    520
    50
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    1
    6
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "i don't know what to say"
    Any additional comments?

    i first downloaded this to get a few laughs. And in the beginning, I wasn't too disappointed.

    Then, it changed. I was hoping for wild mishap dating experiences, and instead, I got long rants on how bad the guys were. I couldn't finish it.

    2 of 3 people found this review helpful
  • Showing: 1-10 of 24 results PREVIOUS123NEXT

    There are no listener reviews for this title yet.

Report Inappropriate Content

If you find this review inappropriate and think it should be removed from our site, let us know. This report will be reviewed by Audible and we will take appropriate action.

CANCEL

Thank You

Your report has been received. It will be reviewed by Audible and we will take appropriate action.