We are currently making improvements to the Audible site. In an effort to enhance the accessibility experience for our customers, we have created a page to more easily navigate the new experience, available at the web address www.audible.com/access .
I Don’t Care about Your Band Audiobook
I Don’t Care about Your Band
Written by: 
Julie Klausner
Narrated by: 
Julie Klausner
I Don’t Care about Your Band Audiobook

I Don’t Care about Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated

Regular Price:$19.95
  • Membership Details:
    • First book free with 30-day trial
    • $14.95/month thereafter for your choice of 1 new book each month
    • Cancel easily anytime
    • Exchange books you don't like
    • All selected books are yours to keep, even if you cancel
  • - or -

Publisher's Summary

In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care about Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love - and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.

I Don't Care about Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man - good or otherwise - when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville.

Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't Care about Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, "TV Funhouse" on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it."

I Don't Care about Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20s doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity.

By turns explicit, funny, and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care about Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate.

©2010 Julie Klausner (P)2012 Audible, Inc.

What Members Say

Average Customer Rating

3.8 (228 )
5 star
 (77)
4 star
 (71)
3 star
 (47)
2 star
 (16)
1 star
 (17)
Overall
3.6 (208 )
5 star
 (64)
4 star
 (54)
3 star
 (47)
2 star
 (25)
1 star
 (18)
Story
4.1 (206 )
5 star
 (96)
4 star
 (64)
3 star
 (25)
2 star
 (15)
1 star
 (6)
Performance
Sort by:
  •  
    L. Calder 05-30-14
    L. Calder 05-30-14 Member Since 2014

    Gardening Geek

    HELPFUL VOTES
    405
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    336
    50
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    75
    7
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "As flirty as a pleated skirt"

    Just loved this book. It kept me laughing throughout. Her fearless retelling of the myriad of relationships she's lived through was hilarious and illuminating. Her narration fit the material perfectly. Much like a brilliant night at a comedy club, to which I rarely get to go, this was a real treat. Massive collection of perfect one liners in this book. Ah, but there was some collateral damage—dumped the latest guy in my life. One of her tales matched mine exactly. She saved me much unneeded emotional kerfuffle. My heartfelt thanks Julie!

    7 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    glamazon The Coast of Rhode Island 01-02-13
    glamazon The Coast of Rhode Island 01-02-13 Member Since 2016

    glam

    HELPFUL VOTES
    5180
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    485
    312
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    3980
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Shopping for Men at the Wrong Mall"

    I didn't expect to relate to, like or even enjoy this listen, but, in fact I found it to be off-the-charts entertaining. I knew what to expect on the "raunch meter", so I was not surprised nor offended. There were so many cringe-worthy moments that I became somewhat immune to the literality of description, and just gave in to the laughter and to the voyeuristic captures of Klausner's postcards from the Department of Damaged Men.

    I loved reading this book, and laughed out loud most of the time, though I don't find stories of trying to succeed with the most disconnected, unattractive and unavailable men to be encouraging. But I think for some women, this is the way it is, and Klausner writes with the kind of detachment that sheds humor on an otherwise bleak situation. Over the course of her life, she has certainly developed much material.

    I have no idea of Klausner's age, but haven't women already given up on having a man at all costs? I think, at least in my universe, partnering should be for enhancement of one's life, and not a liability, with which one must "deal". But many still think that for both economic and social reasons, at all costs, it's better to be a couple and pay the price. If a guy isn't adding to your life experiences, but instead comes with so many workarounds and glitches that must constantly be dealt with, why invest the time? Why complicate things, by bringing in men who disappoint on so many levels, major and minor, and why not simply choose to remain unattached?

    I am presumably from an older generation than Klausner, but I could relate to many of the situations she encounters, and to her attempted connections with men that have gone way past their "sell by" date. One gets the impression that there are huge and damaging costs to bringing a damaged man into one's life. There are far worse things than being alone - i.e. having to maintain a "relationship" that is an encumbrance rather than an asset.

    And just to satisfy affirmative action, the gender roles could easily be switched, and a similar hilarious romp could be written by a man. But whining and ranting about women is not considered especially "appropriate" in our current cultural climate, and I don't think such whines would sell.

    Though I found the circumstances rather extreme in some cases, and couldn't relate to all stories, I still enjoyed reading this, and laughed all the time I was listening.

    35 of 40 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Guiselle 01-19-13
    Guiselle 01-19-13

    Avid reader and listener. Especially (but not just) urban fantasy and romance

    HELPFUL VOTES
    169
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    137
    11
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    15
    6
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "The morning after: Coffee with Klausner"

    I actually really liked this book for three main reasons:

    First of all: the book is both written and narrated in a very close up, witty and informal manner which really drew me in from the start. It felt like I was sitting in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon with one of my funnier girlfriends, listening to her dish about her unfortunate love life. (This setup could either go very well or go terribly wrong, mind you...).

    However, secondly and thankfully: Klausner is funny! No dramatic accounts, but what the Dutch like to call sweet/sour stories. Stories that make you see the absurd and comical in "common", sometimes sad, situations. Klausner delivers these stories with a great sense of comedic timing which made me both cringe and laugh out loud.

    Third and most important of all, Klausner really knows how to juggle with words. I love it when books have (for lack of a better description) a balanced sequence of both words and sentences. This book felt a lot like that. Nice sentences, nice rhythm. Makes you want to read it on paper after you've heard it. Since I'm no writer, that's the best I can explain it. Nicely written.

    So you're sitting over a latte with you're pal Klausner and she tells you all about these guys she's dated.. Sometimes she's pretty harsh and she tends to be a bit heavy handed with the gay and lesbian references (not in a negative way)... but she's funny, so you're laughing.

    However, it is a pretty one sided conversation and Klausner's cleverly phrased stories may prompt you to hit the pause more than once or to go back 'cause you just missed on of the many jokes she's able to fit in a single sentence, but heck... You asked to be entertained and if that's what you're after, this will be a credit well spent!

    One quick word of warning: her fast pace will keep you on your toes and sometimes it might tend to the frantic.

    Four stars! Yay!

    4 of 4 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Hilary Connecticut 12-28-12
    Hilary Connecticut 12-28-12 Member Since 2015

    avoiding road rage one book at a time...

    HELPFUL VOTES
    162
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    119
    37
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    10
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "I Don't Care About How Much You Hate Men"

    No one can argue that Julie Klausner is an intelligent, extremely gifted, clever lady with anecdotes for days about her dating follies, or should I say foibles. Having my own series of comical dating missteps, there were plenty of times throughout this book that I could completely identify and I laughed heartily at her sassy quips. But then, she takes unexpected turns down dark alleys and gets reeeealllllly candid; it gets twisted and uncomfortable and I can't wait until she redirects out of her hate rant. Hey, I have horror stories too, but hers seem out of place in this mostly comedic account of her dating life. Sometimes it is downright painful to listen to the jabs she takes at her (likely unwitting) suitors, but more troubling is comprehending the self-inflicted jeopardy she routinely deposited herself in. I guess I appreciate her utter honesty, but I can't decide if all of it should have been contained in one book; it can be jarring. The thing that bugged me the most was her abhor and contempt for the men she loved so quickly, and then turned on like a viper when things didn't work out quite like she planned. She was such a WILLING victim, I feel a good portion of the poop soup was made with her own hands. At the end of the day, love is worth it, if you stop picking the low-hanging fruit and realize you can reach for more.

    20 of 24 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Stephanie Orlando, FL, United States 12-30-12
    Stephanie Orlando, FL, United States 12-30-12
    HELPFUL VOTES
    16
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    39
    5
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    0
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "pretty raunchy"
    Would you be willing to try another book from Julie Klausner? Why or why not?

    I enjoyed her telling, but she was a bit unsympathetic in her pathological sexual hookups.
    There was a clash with how good a writer she is and what pathetic situations she would set herself up in/how judgmental she was of other twenty-somethings trying to find out who they are.

    I would give her another chance, because this was witty writing - subject matter is very raunchy, and not in a sexy way - not for everyone.


    9 of 12 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Nadine Woodbridge, VA, United States 10-12-13
    Nadine Woodbridge, VA, United States 10-12-13

    Long commutes make for great listening time!

    HELPFUL VOTES
    48
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    9
    9
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    19
    1
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "I Feel Sorry for the Poor Girl, but She's Fun!"
    Would you try another book from Julie Klausner and/or Julie Klausner?

    No thanks.


    What does Julie Klausner bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

    She's reads the book like a woman empowered by her experiences which I appreciate.


    If this book were a movie would you go see it?

    No thanks


    Any additional comments?

    I guess I thought from the title that this was gonna be a book where the author explains through her experiences that women have transformed into empowered breadwinners or even incredible housewives or queens of the single life while many (not all) of their male counterparts have essentially become superficial, sissy-pants.

    That's not what I listened to though.

    What it seemed to be instead was a woman talking about all the love and sex she got from losers who she, in fact, knew were losers from the first moments. She describes one guy, for example, as being "crazy" and so you listen and wait to hear about how crazy the guy is, and all that crazy turns out to be is a jerk. But she sleeps with crazy-jerk multiple times, and then seems to acknowledge her wrongdoing. Then, she seems to blame the guy for being a crazy-jerk.

    I'm not saying I don't have my stories with guys who turned out to be jerks, but I will say that the moment I uncovered that he was a jerk, I did not give the guy seconds. Forgive me for having a shamefully, self-righteous moment right now, but to stop certain men from being sappy, criminal, unemployed, weird, crazy, jerks then you have to stop sleeping with them. Instead, give the strong, unique, sane, kind, employed, upstanding citizen a chance instead.

    I'd also like to acknowledge that I'm aware the author is attempting to inform us about the things she's learned from such experiences, but I can tell from this read, that this author is indeed intelligent. Just, perhaps, easily succumb to her physical needs. If I could simplify this book into a phrase it would be:

    Ignore the selfish jerks. No seriously, ignore them. Even when you physically crave them, just don't give them your time 'cause it will eventually turn out bad.

    5 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Ellen Kansas City, MO, United States 02-12-13
    Ellen Kansas City, MO, United States 02-12-13 Member Since 2007
    HELPFUL VOTES
    162
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    108
    41
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    9
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "HILARIOUS!!!"
    What made the experience of listening to I Don’t Care about Your Band the most enjoyable?

    Delicious snark!!!!!! As good as the opening chapters of Gone Girl and almost exactly the same knowing voice--I even thought it was the same narrator. MUCH better than Chelsea Handler. Where has Julie Klausner been all my life?

    The description of the Midwestern guy (early in the book) who is missing something in his emotional makeup (compared to people from other subcultures) was the first time I ever heard anyone "get it" as far as the difference in emotional tenor with Midwesterners. I'm originally from the South, so you'd think I'd have little in common with a Jewish woman form New York, but when it comes to emotional expressiveness and tenor I was right there with her when she described the Midwestern guy as "warm with a gust of cold."

    The Miss Piggy and Kermit description was right on target, and so original.

    This book is not just about dating adventures (like many other books are). This one is far beyond its book-alikes (Chelsea Handler) in that Klausner has very sharp, important, and deep insights. Oh, I can't do it justice. She figures things out that the rest of us have noticed but couldn't quite articulate.

    Also, I think she was right on about the two types of women and what kind of fathers they had. This book is piled full of important insights like that.

    I will wait on the edge of my seat for anything and everything else Klausner writes.


    Who was your favorite character and why?

    Klausner herself. Because she wears her heart on her sleeve and thinks that's an OK way to be (unlike the cold and reserved characters who guard their hearts) and she gets bruised and doesn't mind telling us all about it. But much more than that, because she has insight into what happened and can explain it to the rest of us bewildered daters.


    What about Julie Klausner’s performance did you like?

    I thought it was the same narrator from Gone GIrl, who also has just the right inflection and tone when reading the snarky parts. YUM! Just the right amount of knowingness and snark.


    If you were to make a film of this book, what would be the tag line be?

    Admit it. You've dated him. Grab your friends and come laugh about it, 'cause they have too.


    Any additional comments?

    No one should read this in print. Everyone should listen to the audiobook.

    5 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Keisha 07-14-16
    Keisha 07-14-16 Member Since 2015
    HELPFUL VOTES
    8
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    28
    9
    FOLLOWERS
    FOLLOWING
    0
    0
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Funny and relatable"

    I found a lot of the guys she had in her life resembled the ones that kept showing up in mine. Her depiction of what 20's are like is an exact replica of some of our lives. Moving into the 30's feels remarkably different and towards the end of the book you start to realize this part is natural and all the crap you have gone through is a beautiful piece of the experience. Bravo :)

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    FloridaLitiGator 01-27-16 Member Since 2015
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    1
    1
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Inspiring, Hilarious Tale of Resilence"

    I loved this. Julie Klausner is hilarious and I loved hearing her read it. I would recommend it to any girl, especially in your 20s in NYC. Guys should read it if they need help with empathy. Gays will enjoy. It is what I expected but didn't get from HBO Girls.. Just real, relatable stories and why they shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. Also some great Broadway references, Klausner has a real penchant for little orphan Annie. I have a few unfinished books and completed this in like three days. Also it's going to be a movie!!

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Celia 06-23-15
    Celia 06-23-15 Member Since 2014
    ratings
    REVIEWS
    10
    1
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "LOVED IT"

    Julie's reading of her book transcends all other audiobook experiences I've had. It was the best, and it felt like one of those long phone calls you have with a best friend, where hours go by and you don't even notice because you're too busy laughing and feeling emotional and laughing again.

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
Sort by:
  • mr
    12/23/15
    Overall
    Performance
    Story
    "Calls the mentally ill 'crazy'"
    Would you say that listening to this book was time well-spent? Why or why not?

    Yes, fun & captivating.


    Did the narration match the pace of the story?

    Yes.


    If this book were a film would you go see it?

    No, as too many separate stories and thus scenes.


    Any additional comments?

    I love the stories in this book, she tells them well too. Though more than a little offensive. Calls the mentally ill 'weird', 'crazy' & 'nuts. Uses offensive language like 'tranny'. And says people who self harm are after attention. I find this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth after reading the book.

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful

Report Inappropriate Content

If you find this review inappropriate and think it should be removed from our site, let us know. This report will be reviewed by Audible and we will take appropriate action.

Cancel

Thank you.

Your report has been received. It will be reviewed by Audible and we will take appropriate action.