The funniest thing ive heard ! You really have to hear it.Its funnier then George Carlin !
You're going to wish you never got this audiobook. Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in. Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
"just plain funny"
Bill Geist, two-time Emmy recipient and long-time CBS news correspondent, chronicles 19 wacky but true entrepreneurial endeavors that prove the American Dream is alive and well - if but just a tad warped. Who says America doesn't make anything anymore? Where else could you find Bob Chandler who made a fortune by inventing the huge-wheeled behemoth of the arena, the car-crushing monster truck? How about Hardy Warren, dean of the dog-eat-dog California traffic school?
On the face of it, this is the story of Dave Smart, business studies lecturer, as he leads a group of three colleagues on a tour of discovery to the Smiling Disc star system, 19 light years from home. Their main purpose is to investigate business practice on Kalista-mm, the larger of the system's two planets, and gather material for Dave's new book, 'Doing Business on Other Planets'.
Eight people escape zombie-infested New York. They have only one thing in common: the addict gene. The same genetic quirk that makes alcoholics and addicts susceptible to booze and drugs gives them a mysterious ability to evade the undead. But that's not enough to unite them. They're an unlikely crew: A Botoxed Upper East Sider; a drug dealer; a resentful daughter of addicts; a recovering AA guy; a Japanese ex-dope fiend; an addicted Ivy Leaguer; and a Mexican immigrant.
While the New World Order can be absurd and grim, it has some really funny openings for satire. These are exceptional openings for a little ridicule, joking around and some dark humor as well. So, just have a laugh, live and prosper. Lady Liberty may be detained by the globalists, but we as individuals and families can overcome the bad overlords.
Gazing into the bathroom mirror one morning while shaving, Josh Kornbluth realizes that he looks remarkably like the guy on the $100 bill. Like any good Jewish son, he immediately calls his mother. From there he becomes obsessed with what it means to be a founding father, especially when your own father/son relationship (Ben had an illegitimate son named William who was a British loyalist during the Revolutionary War) is more than a bit strained.
The definitive guide for cannibals, and those who are cannibal-curious. This concise, insightful guide dispels many of the myths and common misconceptions surrounding the consumption of our fellow human beings, and provides helpful hints on how to get the most out of one of the world's oldest diets.
The hub of life in the islands is the local rum shop and though life in the Windward Islands in the Caribbean might be a little different, move at a slower pace than in other places, the problems of life are pretty much the same.
I, Humpty is a collection of mock-tabloid satire marrying the reality of everyday life with popular elements from fairytales, folklore, and nursery rhymes. Rejoice with the Beast as Belle grants him permission to convert the den into a man-cave. Learn why the third little pig grows weary of his live-in brothers. Follow the courtroom drama of Rumpelstiltskin's indictment in the Straw-To-Gold Scandal. I, Humpty covers all of these stories and more.
"Wasn't for me, but ..."
When a bestselling writer meets a squirrel who refuses to die, the result is sheer helpless laughter
Dr. Dongle, the indefatigable slayer of parents who give their children awful name, returns more vile and angry than ever in Volume 4. In the crosshairs this go-round are the mothers and fathers of Keightlynne, Equinox, Jaxton, Virva, Fhoenix, Rayge, Gusty, Jaykub, Infinity, Darlington and 90 more names that it's OK to openly despise. The usual warning: the language herein is among the most foul, vile and vulgar you'll ever read. The faint of heart and those with a weak sense of humor need not apply.
Events quickly escalate during a heated live TV interview when the B.B.C.’s very own Rottweiler is flattened when a punch is thrown by a former Canadian citizen who has become a new peer of the realm recently released from jail for pension fraud. The story becomes a national sensation with the B.B.C. Director General wanting to milk the story for all it is worth to bring the national institution back to its former glory.
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls trying to sell you things you could never need? These 22 ideas are bound to make your next annoying phone call not so annoying! In fact, you're very likely to start enjoying it when telemarketers and scammers call you!
"short and crappy"
Following the infamous "Ring of Fire" incident, the world's vampires are in a state of panic. Having been commanded by their creators to restore a better balance between humans and vampires, panicked bloodsuckers everywhere have begun "restoring" in the best ways they know -- by killing huge numbers of humans and turning the rest.
Do you want your children to be soft-minded? No. You do not. Soft minds are for liberals, and they are the weaklings we are fighting in the east. You want your children to be strong, liberty-loving, free-thinking patriots who will do as we say. You will begin listening to chapters from this audiobook when the precious little fetus being carried by one of your wives is in the first trimester of its life, which began the moment you, the father, soaked her woman parts with your sinful fluids.
"Great sarcastic political book"
It wasn't easy, but I did it. It was a long struggle, but I made it. I found unhappiness in a peaceful world. You can too! Maybe you already have. In that case, this book will show you how you did it. And if you haven't, it will show you how you can do it. Moreover, no matter how unhappy, depressed, or anxious you are, by listening to this book you can become even more unhappy, more depressed, and more anxious. There is no limit to how unhappy you can be.
"Buy this book! You will be in fits of laughter!"
In his hilarious compilation of police blotter excerpts from the Sonoma Index-Tribune, kooky tales from locals, and personal stories, Farrell will have you choking on your Pinot Noir. With anecdotes ranging from sweet to bizarre, Farrell delivers an entertaining view of Sonoma that is routinely missed by wine connoisseurs, travel writers, and tourists. Crooks are caught with steaks in their pants, cops pull over kangaroo wranglers, and cons are chased down the street wearing bunny slippers.
In The Corn Miracle, author Dr. William Mayze exposes the truth that has been covered up for centuries on this powerful, spiritual food. Discover how the many forms of real corn can be used to beat disease quickly and naturally.
"Insulting waste of time"
Let’s face it, modern humans are sick, fat, and pathetic. If only we could go back in time to the Stone Age when men were virile and strong, and women were free of menstrual cramps and birthed babies while carrying wild game on their backs. But wait, maybe we can! In his latest and most accessible book, Mastering the Real Paleo Diet, Dr. Willy Mammoth lays out the foundations for perfect health. It’s simple, really. We just need to go back in time!
Life Without the BS is a humorous look at life, marriage, kids, education, and a few other bugaboos including politics, religion, and sex and dating.
If you've got an axe to grind against the Obama, Hillary, Rush, or Anne Coulter - we've got you covered there, too. I don't want to give away the farm, but here a few tastes of what you'll find inside. Let me warn - It's finger licking good. Once you start listening, you won't want to stop.
In Book 3, Johnny Dongle continues his full-frontal assault on the terrible names given to children by modern parents.
Academy Award nominee Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction) rocks this mock bedtime story, capturing a hilarious range of emotions as the voice of a father struggling to get his child to sleep. Go the F**k to Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland.
"Read the F--king REVIEW!"
"I've experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you'll take a moment to sit back, relax and enjoy the words I've put together for you in this book. I think you'll find I've left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I'm saying is, let us begin, shall we?" (Ellen DeGeneres)
"Not so much."
If one George Carlin audio is funny, then two are funnier and three must be funniest, right? That's our thinking behind this new collection. t's a HighBridge library of laugh-out-loud, award-winning recordings featuring George himself performing many of his best bits.
"Like a Cast of Thousands"
Book store nation, in the history of mankind there has never been a greater country than America. You could say we're the number one nation at being the best at greatness. But as perfect as America is in every single way, America is broken! And we can't exchange it because we're 236 years past the 30-day return window. Look around - we don't make anything anymore, we've mortgaged our future to China, and the Apologist-in-Chief goes on world tours just to bow before foreign leaders.
"Funny as usual"
God Is Disappointed in You is for people who would like to read the Bible...if it would just cut to the chase. Stripped of its arcane language and interminable passages, every book of the Bible is condensed down to its core message, in no more than a few pages each. Written by Mark Russell with cartoons by New Yorker cartoonist Shannon Wheeler, God Is Disappointed in You is a frequently hilarious, often shocking, but always accurate retelling of the Bible, including the parts selectively left out by Sunday School teachers.
"The Bible without all the fluff."
A masterpiece of satire, this classic has entertained and enlightened readers the world over with its sly and ironic portrayal of human life and foibles from the vantage point of Screwtape, a highly placed assistant to "Our Father Below". At once wildly comic, deadly serious, and strikingly original, C.S. Lewis gives us the correspondence of the worldly-wise old Devil to his nephew, Wormwood, a novice demon in charge of securing the damnation of an ordinary young man.
"So much truth, much of it scary."
In President Me, Carolla shares his vision for a different, better America free from big issues like big government down to small problems like hotel alarm clock placement. Running on an anti-narcissism platform, President Carolla calls for a return to the values of an earlier time when stew and casserole were on every dinner table and there were no “service dogs” on airplanes. President Me hits right at the heart of what makes our country really annoying, and offers a plan to make all of our lives, but mostly Adam’s, much better.
"Funny, Truthy, Douchey"
What The Daily Show is to evening news, The Colbert Report is to personality-driven pundit shows. Colbert brings his sarcastic charm to a half-hour report, tackling the important issues of the day and telling his guests why their opinions are just plain wrong. Stephen stands for "truthiness" and his American right to copyright that word and claim ownership of it. The author describes this as a simple audiobook from a simple mind: Stephen Colbert's.
"Funny, but disappointing."
From the larger, louder half of the world-famous magic duo Penn & Teller comes a scathingly funny reinterpretation of The Ten Commandments. They are The Penn Commandments, and they reveal one outrageous and opinionated atheist’s experience in the world.
"More memoir than theology"
Jon Stewart, host of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning The Daily Show, and his coterie of patriots deliver a hilarious look at American government.
"Runs hot and cold..but when it's hot...it's hot"
Where do we come from? Who created us? Why are we here? These questions have puzzled us since the dawn of time, but when it became apparent to Jon Stewart and the writers of The Daily Show that the world was about to end, they embarked on a massive mission to write a book that summed up the human race: What we looked like; what we accomplished; our achievements in society, government, religion, science, and culture - all in a lavishly produced audiobook.
"Good book, not great. But let me explain."
Look, maybe you're a nice girl, but we're guessing you're more like us or you probably wouldn't have downloaded this audiobook. But being nice is just not the way to get what you want. And this audiobook is about getting what you want. Not in a finding happiness, giving back to the world, being grateful for what you have sort of way. But in a ruling your world, being the most desired, powerful badass in the room way, so you can come out on top of any situation: guys, career, friends, enemies, whatever.
"Waste of a Credit"
If you can count on one thing from "Madea" Mabel Simmons, star of Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea's Family Reunion, it's that she's got something to say. She's the beloved, hilarious, sharp-witted, pistol-packing grandmother who's watching out and speaking her mind. Now Madea is telling her own story, dishing her memoirs and hard-won, hilarious wisdom in her own inimitable voice (with a little help from her friend Tyler Perry).
Before they Go the F**k to Sleep, they need to Shut the F**k Up. If you give a kid a cookie, will he shut the f**k up? That is the question at the heart of this hilarious, deeply honest, profanity-laced book for parents who will do whatever it takes for a moment’s peace.
"Did any of the previous reviewers ACTUALLY LISTEN?"
Kate Schechter would like to know why everyone she meets knows her name - and why Thor, the Norse god of thunder, keeps showing up on her doorstep. Dirk Gently, detective and refrigerator wrestler, can uncover the mystery, and only the absurdist wit of Douglas Adams can recount them with such relentless humor.
"An Amazingly Perfect Story"
It's a sad and eerie harbinger of our times that the Oprah-watching, crystal-rubbing, Whole Foods-shopping moms and their whipped attorney husbands have taken the ability to reason away from the poor schlub who makes the Bloody Marys. What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we now settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers. Adam Carolla has had enough of this insanity and he's here to help us get our collective balls back.
The town psychiatrist has decided to switch everybody in Pine Cove, California, from their normal antidepressants to placebos, so naturally - well, to be accurate, artificially - business is booming at the local blues bar. Trouble is, those lonely slide-guitar notes have also attracted a colossal sea beast named Steve with, shall we say, a thing for explosive oil tanker trucks.
"Very funny, but perhaps not for everyone"
A compilation of funny, irreverently reverent stories on aligning with the Divine in daily life. For the passionately spiritual and bemusedly skeptical alike. Adapted from a popular column originally published as "San Francisco's Spiritual Examiner" at examiner.com. "What if God IS the story? What if the Divine is constantly igniting roadside flares to get our attention? What if there actually IS a Supreme Organizing Principle with a ribald and unbridled sense of humor? And what if we each have this ardent inner suitor who's writing us love letters every day that often go unopened?"
"Perfect blend of depth and humor"
A strange and charming collection of hilariously absurd poetry and writing from one of today's most popular young comedians...In Egghead, Bo brings his brand of brainy, emotional comedy in the form of off-kilter poems, thoughts, and more. Bo takes on everything from death to farts in this weird audiobook that will make you think, laugh and think, "why did I just laugh?"
"Love love love!"
Master storyteller and satirist Kurt Vonnegut was one of the most in-demand commencement speakers of his time. For each occasion, Vonnegut’s words were unfailingly unique, insightful, and witty, and they stayed with audience members long after graduation. As edited by Dan Wakefield, this book reads like a narrative in the unique voice that made Vonnegut a hero to readers and listeners of all ages. At times hilarious, razor-sharp, freewheeling, and deeply serious, these reflections are ideal for anyone undergoing what Vonnegut would call their "long-delayed puberty ceremony".
"This IS nice"
Downton Abbey has brought out the Anglophile in American fans of the hit TV series. But Anglophilia has a long history in America. Why are some native-born residents of our Shining City Upon a Hill, where All Men Are Created Equal, seduced by the fluting tones of manor-born privilege? At last, Anglophilia explained - in American, thank you.
"Failure to achieve objective."
P.J. O’Rourke began writing funny things in 1960s underground newspapers, became editor-in-chief of National Lampoon, then spent 20 years reporting for Rolling Stone and The Atlantic Monthly as the world’s only trouble spot humorist, going to wars, riots, rebellions, and other "Holidays in Hell” in more than 40 countries.
"Do not bother"
They love nothing better than sipping free-trade gourmet coffee, leafing through the Sunday New York Times, and listening to David Sedaris on NPR (ideally all at the same time). Apple products, indie music, food co-ops, and vintage T-shirts make them weak in the knees. They believe they're unique, yet somehow they're all exactly the same.
"Bland simply bland!!!!"
A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public, commonly referred to as A Modest Proposal, is a Juvenalian satirical essay written and published anonymously by Jonathan Swift in 1729. Swift suggests in his essay that the impoverished Irish might ease their economic troubles by selling children as food. By doing this he mocks the authority of the British officials.
"Not a bad proposal at all"
When Bonnie Grayduck relocates from sunny Santa Cruz California to the small town of Lake Woebegotten, Minnesota, to live with her estranged father, chief of the local two-man police department, she thinks she's leaving her troubles behind. But she soon becomes fascinated by another student - the brooding, beautiful Edwin Scullen, whose reclusive family hides a terrible secret. (Psst: they're actually vampires. But they're the kind who don't eat people, so it's okay.)
"Zombie book was better"
The antidote to those cotton-candy platitudes that are all too familiar to anyone who’s ever worn a mortarboard, Wheelan’s 10 head-turning aphorisms - backed up by a PhD in public policy and extensive social science research - set the record straight. Readers everywhere agreed, turning a Dartmouth Class Day speech that had gone viral into a best-selling book.
"Wish I had someone tell me all of these things"
A quirky and darkly comic take on domestic life in southern India. Ousep Chacko, journalist and failed novelist, prides himself on being "the last of the real men." This includes waking neighbors upon returning late from the pub. His wife Mariamma stretches their money, raises their two boys, and, in her spare time, gleefully fantasizes about Ousep dying. One day, their seemingly happy seventeen-year-old son Unni - an obsessed comic-book artist - falls from the balcony, leaving them to wonder whether it was an accident.
"Quirky, humorous, sad"
Meet Gregor Samsa, a humble young man who works as a fabric salesman to support his parents and sister. His life goes strangely awry when he wakes up late for work and discovers that, inexplicably, he is now a man-sized baby kitten. His family freaks out: Yes, their son is OMG so cute, but what good is cute when there are bills to pay? As his new feline identity threatens to eat away at his personality, Gregor desperately tries to survive this bizarre, bewhiskered ordeal by accomplishing the one thing he never could as a man: He must flee his parents’ house.
They were bored, broke, burned out, and turning 40, so when Ben and Dinah saw the advert looking for a husband and wife team with young kids to write a guidebook about family travel around Britain, they jumped at the chance. With naïve visions of staring moodily across Coniston Water and savouring Cornish pasties, they embark on a mad-cap five-month trip with daughter Phoebe, four, and son Charlie, two, embracing the freedom of the open road with a spirit of discovery and an industrial supply of baby wipes.
"Laugh, Learn and Cry a Bit"
The Donkey and the Darling is an infamous parody of children's fairy tales that is classic Terry Southern. Originally a collaboration with painter Larry Rivers, there were only 35 physical copies created of what turned out to be the most expensive and labor-intensive project ever created by University Limited Art Edition. This audio version is a unique, winking performance by Steven Crossley.
It’s impossible to go a full day without using snark, so why fight it? Snark is everywhere, from television to movies to everyday life. This lively collection provides hours of entertainment - better than an Etch A Sketch, and more fun than Silly Putty! At the heart of it, being in a state of snark can be one of the most useful tools at one’s disposal and hence (yes, I used “hence”), a powerful way to get what you want. With snark, you can catch people completely off-guard, and royally piss them off.
"save your money"
Sure, everyone gets sick sometimes, but do you realize that plenty of those folks also die slow, unpleasant deaths from diseases that stumped even the experts at top-notch (still privately run) hospitals? That's right: There are plenty of illnesses that even physicians have never heard about. Nodding Disease, Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, and Cutaneous Horn (yes, you grow a horn) are all featured here in pithy, energetic entries. You won't have to worry about socialized medicine if you have this book....