When a bestselling writer meets a squirrel who refuses to die, the result is sheer helpless laughter
Dr. Dongle, the indefatigable slayer of parents who give their children awful name, returns more vile and angry than ever in Volume 4. In the crosshairs this go-round are the mothers and fathers of Keightlynne, Equinox, Jaxton, Virva, Fhoenix, Rayge, Gusty, Jaykub, Infinity, Darlington and 90 more names that it's OK to openly despise. The usual warning: the language herein is among the most foul, vile and vulgar you'll ever read. The faint of heart and those with a weak sense of humor need not apply.
Events quickly escalate during a heated live TV interview when the B.B.C.’s very own Rottweiler is flattened when a punch is thrown by a former Canadian citizen who has become a new peer of the realm recently released from jail for pension fraud. The story becomes a national sensation with the B.B.C. Director General wanting to milk the story for all it is worth to bring the national institution back to its former glory.
Following the infamous "Ring of Fire" incident, the world's vampires are in a state of panic. Having been commanded by their creators to restore a better balance between humans and vampires, panicked bloodsuckers everywhere have begun "restoring" in the best ways they know -- by killing huge numbers of humans and turning the rest.
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls trying to sell you things you could never need? These 22 ideas are bound to make your next annoying phone call not so annoying! In fact, you're very likely to start enjoying it when telemarketers and scammers call you!
Do you want your children to be soft-minded? No. You do not. Soft minds are for liberals, and they are the weaklings we are fighting in the east. You want your children to be strong, liberty-loving, free-thinking patriots who will do as we say. You will begin listening to chapters from this audiobook when the precious little fetus being carried by one of your wives is in the first trimester of its life, which began the moment you, the father, soaked her woman parts with your sinful fluids.
Meet The Bear - a cat who carries the weight of the world on his furry shoulders, and whose wise, owl-like eyes seem to ask, Can you tell me why I am a cat, please? Like many intellectuals, The Bear would prefer a life of quiet solitude with plenty of time to gaze forlornly into space and contemplate society's ills. Unfortunately he is destined to spend his days surrounded by felines of a significantly lower IQ....
The name Gallagher conjures up immediate images of smashing watermelons. However, his roots are in stand-up comedy, and this is where he returns in this, his final album. Recorded live in May 2014 at the legendary Ice House Comedy Club, where he recorded his very first, and only, stand-up album in 1978, Gallagher treats his loyal fans to his unique observations about life.
It wasn't easy, but I did it. It was a long struggle, but I made it. I found unhappiness in a peaceful world. You can too! Maybe you already have. In that case, this book will show you how you did it. And if you haven't, it will show you how you can do it. Moreover, no matter how unhappy, depressed, or anxious you are, by listening to this book you can become even more unhappy, more depressed, and more anxious. There is no limit to how unhappy you can be.
This is Part One of a new series of books about the loves and lives of the Cats of Salisbury Road, written by the best-selling writer Tom Slemen. If you have a cat you will especially love these comical tales!
In his hilarious compilation of police blotter excerpts from the Sonoma Index-Tribune, kooky tales from locals, and personal stories, Farrell will have you choking on your Pinot Noir. With anecdotes ranging from sweet to bizarre, Farrell delivers an entertaining view of Sonoma that is routinely missed by wine connoisseurs, travel writers, and tourists. Crooks are caught with steaks in their pants, cops pull over kangaroo wranglers, and cons are chased down the street wearing bunny slippers.
Queue up these hilarious real-life stories from the video clerking trenches. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll wash your hands. No rewinding required!
Let’s face it, modern humans are sick, fat, and pathetic. If only we could go back in time to the Stone Age when men were virile and strong, and women were free of menstrual cramps and birthed babies while carrying wild game on their backs. But wait, maybe we can! In his latest and most accessible book, Mastering the Real Paleo Diet, Dr. Willy Mammoth lays out the foundations for perfect health. It’s simple, really. We just need to go back in time!
In The Corn Miracle, author Dr. William Mayze exposes the truth that has been covered up for centuries on this powerful, spiritual food. Discover how the many forms of real corn can be used to beat disease quickly and naturally.
Until this morning, Charlotte Pudding was almost happy with her life. Apart from her homicidal toaster, dead parents, and general ennui. Well, maybe not that happy. Either way, now that she’s on the run from a shadowy corporation, seeking the secrets of her own family history and tolerating the inanities of a retired god, things are looking a bit more interesting.
"Funny sci fi"
Life Without the BS is a humorous look at life, marriage, kids, education, and a few other bugaboos including politics, religion, and sex and dating.
If you've got an axe to grind against the Obama, Hillary, Rush, or Anne Coulter - we've got you covered there, too. I don't want to give away the farm, but here a few tastes of what you'll find inside. Let me warn - It's finger licking good. Once you start listening, you won't want to stop.
The Bonneville Hotel is the best-kept secret in Mayfair: its art deco suites and glittering ballrooms a former home-away-from-home for royalty and movie stars alike. Recent years haven’t been kind, but thanks to events manager Rosie, the Bonneville is reclaiming some of its old cachet as a chic retro-glam wedding venue. While Rosie’s weddings are the ultimate in romance, Rosie herself isn’t; she’s focused on the details, not the dramas.
In Book 3, Johnny Dongle continues his full-frontal assault on the terrible names given to children by modern parents.
A funny look at childhood's lost, magical moments, viewed through the heart of a father. Crawling, walking, play dates, hopscotch, hibiscuses, potty training, princess dresses, gymnastics classes - and Baby Dolphins - the whole wide world of her questions and his answers.
About this story: It is satire - plain and simple.Either you will love it or you will hate it.
Before Liz Lemon, before "Weekend Update," before "Sarah Palin," Tina Fey was just a young girl with a dream: a recurring stress dream that she was being chased through a local airport by her middle-school gym teacher. She also had a dream that one day she would be a comedian on TV. She has seen both these dreams come true. At last, Tina Fey's story can be told....
"Tina Fey broke my new SUV"
You're going to wish you never got this audiobook. Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in. Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
"just plain funny"
From the unique perspective of David Sedaris comes a new collection of essays taking his listeners on a bizarre and stimulating world tour. From the perils of French dentistry to the eating habits of the Australian kookaburra, from the squat-style toilets of Beijing to the particular wilderness of a North Carolina Costco, we learn about the absurdity and delight of a curious traveler's experiences.
"Devout Fan Disappointed"
In Dad is Fat, stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan, who’s best known for his legendary riffs on Hot Pockets, bacon, manatees, and McDonald's, expresses all the joys and horrors of life with five young children - everything from cousins ("celebrities for little kids") to toddlers’ communication skills ("they always sound like they have traveled by horseback for hours to deliver important news"), to the eating habits of four-year-olds ("there is no difference between a four-year-old eating a taco and throwing a taco on the floor").
"Good for Gaffigan fans - better for expecting dads"
Stand-up comedian and author Jim Gaffigan has made his career rhapsodizing over the most treasured dishes of the American diet ("choking on bacon is like getting murdered by your lover") and decrying the worst offenders ("kale is the early morning of foods"). Fans flocked to his New York Times best-selling book Dad Is Fat to hear him riff on fatherhood but now, in his second book, he will give them what they really crave - his thoughts on all things culinary(ish).
"I've experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you'll take a moment to sit back, relax and enjoy the words I've put together for you in this book. I think you'll find I've left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I'm saying is, let us begin, shall we?" (Ellen DeGeneres)
"Exactly what you would expect from Ellen"
David Sedaris' collection of essays - including live recordings! - tells a most unconventional life story. With every clever turn of a phrase, Sedaris brings a view and a voice like no other to every unforgettable encounter. You can also listen to Sedaris in an interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air.
"You will ROFL"
Infused with her trademark saucy, sweet, and funny voice, Grace’s Guide is a tongue-in-cheek handbook for millennials, encompassing everything a young or new (or regular or old) adult needs to know, from surviving a breakup to recovering from a hangover. Read by the author in her inimitable style, Grace’s Guide features interactive elements and exclusive stories from Grace’s own misadventures - like losing her virginity solely because her date took her to a Macaroni Grill - and many other hilarious lessons she learned the hard way.
Anyone who saw an episode of Saturday Night Live between 1999 and 2006 knows Rachel Dratch. She was hilarious! So what happened to her? After a misbegotten part as Jenna on the pilot of 30 Rock, Dratch was only getting offered roles as "Lesbians. Secretaries. Sometimes secretaries who are lesbians." Her career at a low point, Dratch suddenly had time for yoga, dog- sitting, learning Spanish - and dating. After all, what did a forty-something single woman living in New York have to lose?
"Could not stop listening"
Academy Award nominee Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction) rocks this mock bedtime story, capturing a hilarious range of emotions as the voice of a father struggling to get his child to sleep. Go the F**k to Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland.
"Read the F--king REVIEW!"
If one George Carlin audio is funny, then two are funnier and three must be funniest, right? That's our thinking behind this new collection. t's a HighBridge library of laugh-out-loud, award-winning recordings featuring George himself performing many of his best bits.
"Like a Cast of Thousands"
For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris - Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut. Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives - the ones we'd like to pretend never happened - are in fact the ones that define us. In Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor.
"How the Bloggess almost made me crash my car!"
In his newest collection of essays, David Sedaris lifts the corner of ordinary life, revealing the absurdity teeming below its surface. His world is alive with obscure desires and hidden motives, a world where forgiveness is automatic and an argument can be the highest form of love. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim is another unforgettable collection from one of the wittiest and most original writers at work today.
"Read on...Hilarity Ensues"
In this wickedly honest new work, Chelsea Handler casts the net wider with even funnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date - including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a Peekapoo.
"Just Plain FUNNYYYY!!!!!!!!!"
Welcome to the hilarious, strange, elegiac, outrageous world of David Sedaris. In Naked, Sedaris turns the current mania for the memoir on its proverbial ear, mining the exceedingly rich terrain of his life, his family, and his unique worldview, a sensibility at once take-no-prisoners sharp and deeply charitable.
"My Favorite Sedaris"
In President Me, Carolla shares his vision for a different, better America free from big issues like big government down to small problems like hotel alarm clock placement. Running on an anti-narcissism platform, President Carolla calls for a return to the values of an earlier time when stew and casserole were on every dinner table and there were no “service dogs” on airplanes. President Me hits right at the heart of what makes our country really annoying, and offers a plan to make all of our lives, but mostly Adam’s, much better.
"Funny, Truthy, Douchey"
A masterpiece of satire, this classic has entertained and enlightened readers the world over with its sly and ironic portrayal of human life and foibles from the vantage point of Screwtape, a highly placed assistant to "Our Father Below". At once wildly comic, deadly serious, and strikingly original, C.S. Lewis gives us the correspondence of the worldly-wise old Devil to his nephew, Wormwood, a novice demon in charge of securing the damnation of an ordinary young man.
"So much truth, much of it scary."
Though they have the vote and the Pill and haven't been burned as witches since 1727, life isn't exactly a stroll down the catwalk for modern women. They are beset by uncertainties and questions: Why are they supposed to get Brazilians? Why do bras hurt? Why the incessant talk about babies? And do men secretly hate them? Caitlin Moran interweaves provocative observations on women's lives with laugh-out-loud funny scenes from her own, from adolescence to her development as a writer, wife, and mother.
"Hysterical manual for the 21st century woman"
From the outrageously filthy and oddly innocent comedienne Sarah Silverman comes a memoir—her first book—that is at once shockingly personal, surprisingly poignant, and still pee-in-your-pants funny. If you like Sarah’s television show The Sarah Silverman Program, or memoirs such as Chelsea Handler’s Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea and Artie Lange’s Too Fat to Fish, you’ll love The Bedwetter.
"Adequate but not great..."
Legions of fans know Opie & Anthony as the kings of "cringe radio," who dominate an expanding media empire. Since October 2004, their unique humor has been the centerpiece of High Voltage, the channel XM Satellite Radio created especially for them. Then, in April 2006, they took over the key morning drive slot on seven CBS Radio stations. Audible's Opie & Anthony subscription delivers both shows in one hilarious package!
"Ramon, bring me a spoiled family photo"
God Is Disappointed in You is for people who would like to read the Bible...if it would just cut to the chase. Stripped of its arcane language and interminable passages, every book of the Bible is condensed down to its core message, in no more than a few pages each. Written by Mark Russell with cartoons by New Yorker cartoonist Shannon Wheeler, God Is Disappointed in You is a frequently hilarious, often shocking, but always accurate retelling of the Bible, including the parts selectively left out by Sunday School teachers.
Screw Everyone is comedian Ophira Eisenberg's wisecracking account of how she spent most of her life saying "yes" to everything - and everyone - and how that attitude ultimately helped her overcome her phobia of commitment. Skeptical about long-term relationships, Eisenberg approached dating as a sort of research experiment from early on: She spent her twenties traveling from futon to futon and gathering data, figuring that one day she'd put it all together somehow and build her own perfect Frankenmate.
"Best Audiobook EVER... and I'm not even done yet."
Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents features outrageous and uncensored profiles of the men in the White House - complete with hundreds of little-known, politically incorrect, and downright wacko facts.
Master storyteller and satirist Kurt Vonnegut was one of the most in-demand commencement speakers of his time. For each occasion, Vonnegut’s words were unfailingly unique, insightful, and witty, and they stayed with audience members long after graduation. As edited by Dan Wakefield, this book reads like a narrative in the unique voice that made Vonnegut a hero to readers and listeners of all ages. At times hilarious, razor-sharp, freewheeling, and deeply serious, these reflections are ideal for anyone undergoing what Vonnegut would call their "long-delayed puberty ceremony".
"This IS nice"
Growing up in a Philadelphia suburb in the 1970s was an easy life. Well, easy as long as you didn't have dyslexia or ADD, or were a Jew. And once you added gay into the mix, life became more difficult. So Todd Glass decided to hide the gay part, no matter how comic, tragic, or comically tragic the results. Now, Todd has written an open, honest, and hilarious memoir in an effort to help everyone - young and old, gay and straight - breathe a little more freely.
Chris Gethard has often found himself in awkward situations most people, including you, probably would have safely avoided. The good news is now, thanks to this book, you can enjoy the painfully funny consequences of his unfortunate decisions at a safe distance. A Bad Idea I'm About to Do invites listeners to join Chris as he navigates an adolescence and adulthood mired in hilariously ill-fated nerdom, and to take comfort in the fact that - as his experiences often prove - things could always be much, much worse.
American writer Samuel Clemens, better known by his pen name Mark Twain has given us some literary gems with Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn and his travel adventures in 19th-century Europe and to Australia and New Zealand. In How to Tell a Story and Other Essays, Twain discusses the telling of stories, rather than providing more stories.
P.J. O’Rourke began writing funny things in 1960s underground newspapers, became editor-in-chief of National Lampoon, then spent 20 years reporting for Rolling Stone and The Atlantic Monthly as the world’s only trouble spot humorist, going to wars, riots, rebellions, and other "Holidays in Hell” in more than 40 countries.
"Do not bother"
Downton Abbey has brought out the Anglophile in American fans of the hit TV series. But Anglophilia has a long history in America. Why are some native-born residents of our Shining City Upon a Hill, where All Men Are Created Equal, seduced by the fluting tones of manor-born privilege? At last, Anglophilia explained - in American, thank you.
"Failure to achieve objective."
Ever since he can remember, Dom Joly has been fascinated by travel to odd places. In part this stems from a childhood spent in war-torn Lebanon, where instead of swapping marbles in the schoolyard, he had a shrapnel collection -- the schoolboy currency of Beirut. These early experiences left Dom with a profound loathing for the sanitized experiences of the modern-day travel industry and a taste for the darkest of places.
"Funny and Insightful - Not just for Travelers!"
Beth Lisick started out as a homecoming princess with a Crisco-aided tan and a bad perm. And then everything changed. Plunging headlong into America's deepest subcultures, while keeping both feet firmly planted in her parents' Leave It to Beaver values, Lisick makes her adult home on the fringe of mainstream culture and finds it rich with paradox and humor. Fans of David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell will relish Lisick's scathingly funny, smart, very real take on the effluvia of daily living.
This hilarious, whip-smart collection of essays from a top writer and producer of Six Feet Under crisscrosses from the highly personal (conflating her own loss of virginity and the Kobe Bryant accusations), to the political (what she has in common with Monica and Chandra), to the outrageously Los Angelean (why women wear huge diamonds and what they must do to get them). Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants is a genre-defying combination of personal essay and memoir, or a hilarious, unruly and unapologetic evaluation of society, religion, sex, love, and - best of all - Jill Soloway.
"Another Author Read Failure!"
As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia's sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia.
"I Guess You Had to Be There?"
Mark Twain composed this short essay on the "art of lying" in 1885 for a meeting of the Historical and Antiquarian Club of Hartford, Connecticut. In the essay, Twain laments the four ways in which men of America's Gilded Age employ man's "most faithful friend". The essay, Twain notes, was "offered for the thirty-dollar prize," but it "did not take the prize."
No smartphones, no internet, no internships, no ambition, no plans, no money. Just lots of pot and cheap beer and a half-baked desire to become a hippie. Welcome to the end of the 60’s era. In 1972, David Noonan dropped out of college for no good reason, worked nights in a gas station and days in a cemetery, then quit both jobs to hitchhike west and meet up with his brother John, a natural-born rambler and a certified member of the counterculture.
The Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal for Humour is Canada's top award for humour - and nobody has won it more times than Arthur Black, who carried off his third medal in June 2006. Now, in case there is anyone left standing who still disputes Black's claim to the title of Canada's funniest man, Harbour presents the laughing proof: a retrospective of Black's best hits, high-graded from eleven previous collections stretching back over the past 20 years.
"Got To Be Canadian, I Guess, to "Get It"."
Demonstrating once again why he is one of Canada's most loved jokesters, Black masterfully captures the laughter that often bursts out of the seams of everyday life. From an unexpected drag race to a Google search for a picture of the illusive "Arthur the Meek", you just never know when a regular day is going to turn into comedic genius. Black provides uproarious insight into uses a matador might have for a teacup, mango, or simply some paper towel....
With tongue-in-cheek humor, the creator of the award-winning Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress takes on the self-help section, proving that the benefits of the Dungeons & Dragons game goes far beyond simple entertainment.