Transforming Toddlerhood with Devon Kuntzman

If you have a child between the ages of 1 and 5, today’s episode is for you. I’ve invited Devon Kuntzman onto the podcast to talk to us about transforming toddlerhood. She is a toddler parenting expert who is on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible.You’ll Learn:Myths about toddlerhood that lead to frustration for parentsWhy toddlers behave the way they do (and what to do about it)The difference between consistency and perfectionWhen to let your child take the leadWhat to do with, “You’re not the boss of me!”Today, Devon is sharing practical strategies to meet your toddler’s basic developmental and sensory needs, as well as ways to teach them skills to get their needs met and cope with frustration. -------------------------------------------Devon Kuntzman is a wife, mama and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She says she is so passionate about this age group because, “we know that the first five years really set the foundation for the rest of a child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional regulation.”As a certified coach with a degree in psychology, she helps thousands of families each year through courses, workshops, and the annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her community of 1 million parents and caregivers is committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and their overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime. Who Are Toddlers?One of my first questions for Devon was how she defines a toddler. I often think of toddlers as being separate from preschoolers, but Devon explains that she groups them together (ages 1-5) because they are all struggling with a lot of the same things. She says, “They still have very immature brains. They're lacking their impulse control skills, emotional regulation skills.”I think of toddlers’ decision making as, “if it feels good, do it.” It’s an emotional process for them. They aren’t really able to think things through and access executive function until around age 6.Devon does split them into younger toddlers (ages 1 & 2) and older toddlers (ages 3-5), largely based on expressive language skills and their ability to communicate their feelings and needs. Putting preschoolers into their own category, Devon says, can be confusing if we think that they should no longer be having the same behavioral challenges as toddlers. The truth is, it is still completely developmentally appropriate for them to struggle. Decoding Toddler BehaviorWhen it comes to toddler behavior, Devon likes to talk about “decoding” behavior. She says, “If we don't understand what's happening with the behavior, then it's going to be really challenging to know how to respond.” I think this is certainly true for all ages.The concept of decoding reminds us that there are layers that we need to peel back in order to really understand what’s going on. It requires us to get curious about the root of a child’s behavior. As you’ve heard me say a million times, the root of any behavior is emotion. A feeling that they are trying to communicate or cope with. They may also be trying to communicate a need, whether it’s a basic need like food or sleep, a sensory need, or a need to feel connection and affection.Devon says that impulse control is a common challenge for toddlers. Some behaviors that come along with this are spitting, wanting to grab things off the shelf at the grocery store, or taking off chasing a cat or a bird down the street. These behaviors are very reactionary. There is no thinking about safety, impact, or the future. Development in the Toddler YearsSome developmental needs of toddlers include the need to:Experiment and exploreMoveBe independentFeel capableHave a sense of controlFeel powerfulHave a role in the family.Of course, Devon says, these are needs that we all have as humans, but they’re so important in the toddler years because “the whole point of toddlerhood is for your child to become their own unique individual, to develop a sense of self for the first time.”In fact, toddlers are developmentally driven to push against us. Devon explains that babies often see themselves as an extension of their caregiver. Power struggles come into play when your toddler starts becoming an individual, separate from you, and you are still trying to control them.It’s a tricky balance. They want more independence, but they are also reliant on you to meet their physical and emotional needs.Devon says that we can give toddlers a sense of control in areas that are very inconsequential. And if you meet that need for independence throughout the day, you’re less likely to slip into power struggles, even when bedtime rolls around. It’s almost like making a deposit in their control bank.She explains that one of the best ways to do this is by giving choices that are within your boundaries while still giving...