Thank the Wall

Show Notes fern (they/them) and Myco (it/its) discuss the impacts of life-long medical neglect and abuse at the hands of health "care" professionals. Myco reads a piece it recently wrote and chats with fern about going through the motions while feeling lost and how to cope in what feels like an impossible situation. Image Description: An exhausted, non-descript human with pale skin and neon yellow hair leans against a red wall. Behind it are the words "Thank the wall" which pop forward from the blue and green background. Transcript: Transcript doc Fern (they/them): Hello! Welcome to another episode of Liberatory Naysayers. I’m fern. I use they/them pronouns. Myco (it/its): I’m Myco, I use it/its pronouns. F: Myco, what are we talking about today? M: I wanted to talk about something I wrote over the weekend. Was it over the weekend? I’m losing track of time. Is that correct? F: Yeah, I think so. Saturday. We didn’t need that much detail. Anyway! M: Very important! F: This is how we function actually. M: It was at 2:05pm on a rainy saturday in June… I mean… wait… F: Shut up (playfully) That is how we talk a lot though. I’m like no remember it was tuesday because we did the dadada and we saw this thing. Then you’re like ooooooh yeah. Anyway. Something you’ve written recently, but something that we talk about pretty much all the time. Something on our minds all the time. Lots of chronic illness, medical neglect themes today. What’s your writing titled? M: I called it Liminal Dreams, but when I was thinking about what to call this episode I came up with Thank the Wall. Which is a reference to a line in the piece too, and I like that! F: Do you wanna read it? M: Yeah. — I feel liminal On a razor edge Hazy Floating in and out Of consciousness Aliveness Fading Discussing mcdonalds orders Body still needs fuel after all The mundanity of it Driving to see a possible home Maybe Probably not gonna happen if we are honest Struggling to remain upright Struggling to remain conscious My burning spine Fantasizing about Tearing it out Throwing it out the car window “Do you want a drink?” Yeah “I’ll split it with you” Thank you It burns, it burns, it burns My hips twisting My tailbone aching The weight of my head immense My eyes refusing to stay open Slipping away Then Walking around a home Holding her hand Trying to listen To think To take in information To look for red flags To entertain Black out again and again Try not to be noticed “Myco? Myco? Myco?” Sorry, hold on a second Heart jumping out of my throat The effort of staying upright At the top of a flight of stairs Overwhelming Thank the wall for Holding me Up Gods I’m too sick to be looking for housing I’m too sick to be upright I’m too sick to be here But here I am Holding her hand As she climbs a tree As my partner gathers important information Don’t pass out Keep her from breaking her neck Then Back to the car Fading In Out In again “Myco pick a video!” I can’t remember anything What video? “Snake” says my partner Snake I echo back My tongue too big Too clumsy My voice tiny and slurred Far away I slide in and out of here and now In agony fever dreams Defending my affection for Chip the Stoma “You don’t understand! I love him!” I say to blank faced strangers at a bar As if I could ever be found at a bar Remembering the dad I can’t remember Who gave me back after a cancer diagnosis People don’t usually give away their kids Just because they become sick In the clear moments I wonder Sometimes If she notices If she sees past my bullshit pretending to be more than I am Wonder if she worries You do for sure I’m worried if I’m being honest Scared Every time my hearing cuts out Every time my vision goes black Every time my skin flushes red Every time I start panting and sweating like I ran miles Every time my speech slurs And I lose thoughts And I can’t remember Every time my spine burns Every time my bones refuse to stay in place Every time my herniating brain burns Every time my eyes throb and quake Every time my arms and legs shake uncontrollably Every time I lose feeling in my face Every time my neck thumps with my pulse Every time my joints feel squeezed tight Every time my heart slows and skips beats Every time I fall to the bed To a wall To the floor I am afraid I am afraid I’m afraid it will not end That this agony will be with me Forever Gods I long for it to end To close my eyes To slip away For the quiet For the rest For the peace I grieve sometimes My waning abilities The time and spoons The agony robs from me I grieve knowing you need more More hands More help More people As I fade away You said I was lost to you I feel lost Half dead Sometimes Sometimes If I could have one wish It would be abundance For you For us all Or At least Some rest —- F: Thank you....