In Episode 226, a PBSE listener asks a very common question about her interactions with her porn/sex addicted partner:

Hello, I just recently started listening to your podcast and I was wondering if you have, or if you could talk about, how to approach communicating our authentic feelings when our porn addict partner also struggles with depression … I'm always too scared to be fully transparent with him about what I'm feeling because I worry it will make him spiral to a very dark place … I know we won't be able to fully heal and mend our relationship until I'm able to be fully honest with him. For a little context: he is not currently in therapy; I've told him that therapy with a CSAT is one of the things I need him to do to help me feel safe and that I think it will help him in all areas of his life, not just in recovery.

Mark & Steve talk straight-forward and open about this kind of situation—for both the addict and the partner:

For Porn/Sex Addicts:

• What is the “reactive” mode all about for addicts???
• We learned early on that it was NOT safe to be transparent or authentic; to share needs or expect them to be met, etc. So, we learned to go into “I-have-to-defend-and-take-care-of myself” mode. In our relationships with others, IT HAS TO BE ALL ABOUT US!
• The Survival Brain does NOT want “its way” to be interrupted—”IT” is sure “IT” KNOWS WHAT WORKS!
• Because we’ve been so isolated, inauthentic and disconnected, we DON’T KNOW HOW TO CONNECT AND BE INTIMATE! So, we compensate with self-protection, deflection, resistance and manipulation strategies.
• And, because we are disconnected from “healthy sources” of renewal and intimacy, we go-it-alone—which we can NEVER succeed at—it’s TOO MUCH for anyone! So, in comes shame, fear, depression, anxiety, anger, etc. AND WE TURN TO ADDICTION OUTLETS TO ONCE AGAIN—“COPE ALONE.”
• YOU must start advocating for YOU! You must start where you are and take the initial steps forward! If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting! Are you ready to finally, genuinely admit—MY WAY DOESN’T WORK! We DO have really deep understanding and compassion for addicts (we are one), yet we know too well that “reasons” too easily become “excuses” and keep us stuck!

For Partners in Healing:

• We understand that it is stressful, scary and may even bring about unwanted consequences to share how you're truly feeling with your partner.
• You have to ask yourself: “what kind off marriage do I want?”
• Intimacy means sharing the good AND the bad. Choosing deep connection means letting go of the outcomes.
• Allowing the feelings of another individual to compromise your own authentic integrity is always an exchange of diminishing returns.
• Be loving, but direct:

1. Be sure to authentically share the things that he is doing well, in addition to areas needing work.
2. If there are things that you appreciate about him, express those and the why behind them.
3. BUT, be very clear about the impact his actions/inactions are having on you, the relationship, etc.
4. Share what consequences have come about as a result, and what yet may come if there isn’t change.
5. Acknowledge your inability to “make” him feel any sort of way, and encourage him to access and/or find needed supports.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Cou

Episode 225 comes from a heart-felt submission by the partner of a porn/sex addict. She reports that he is in solid, serious recovery, but he just can't find a way to become consistently honest! Here's part of what she submitted—

It's just a default position (lying) that he takes to everything, whether about his addiction history or about nothing at all. I understand that this is part of their recovery journey, but I can't take it anymore and I am thinking of divorce… if they are lying about nothing, then what else are they really lying about? I don't want to do it anymore. It's unbearable. He is devastated, and can't explain to me why he does it, but acknowledges that he does. Can a sex addict ever stop lying? And if so, how do they do it and how long does it take? Because in my mind, if he doesn't stop, he is merely a relapse waiting to happen… all evidence (EXCEPT for the lying about stupid things) points towards him being an absolute gold star recovery student. I keep holding on because he is so committed, but I can't waste any more time with a liar. We have four sons too who he is terrified of losing, and they are all really angry with him, but want us to work it out. They just also want him to stop lying.

Mark and Steve talk raw and real about their own struggles with getting solidly on the honesty path and the many addicts they have worked with over the years—

Why All the Lying?

• Avoidance of consequences
  • Experience has taught us that “honesty is NOT the best policy”
• WE ARE PAIN AVOIDANT!
  • Lack coping skills for accountability
  • Riddled with shame
• WE ARE OBSESSED WITH APPEARANCES
  • A glossy shell keeps the gooey center safe
  • WE CANNOT COPE WITH REJECTION - IN ANY FORM!
• Part of us doesn't want to stop
  • Not really ready to change
  • Not willing to get uncomfortable
  • Sadly, may have not had enough pain yet
• It allows us to control PERCEPTIONS, PEOPLE and OUTCOMES
• Territorially, we don’t want to cause our partners pain, either

Consequences

• We don't mature
• We stay in shame
• We stay disconnected
• The relationship continues to languish.
• Our spouses stay in Hell—high anxiety, reactive, guessing, hyper-vigilance
• The relationship WILL NOT GROW. EVER. (best Case)
• The relationship WILL DIE. (worst Case)
• The liar never realizes his true potential and authentic self

Where to begin being Honest

• Acceptance on the part of the addict
  • Impact, significance, scope, etc
• Determine their willingness to give up “control”
• START PRACTICING
  • Honesty
  • Accountability
  • Confronting
  • Being confronted
  • Making amends
  • Owning your past
  • Processing your shame

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 224, Mark & Steve discuss a topic that many couples face—the addict in recovery is trying to stay sober from his use of porn and other sex addiction outlets. At the same time, his partner is seeking her own path of betrayal trauma healing. in the midst of their individual efforts is the issue of their "sexual relationship." How can a couple balance his recovery/sobriety and her healing, while also navigating the role that sexual intimacy has and will have in their relationship? How do they start talking about this in a healthy, open, vulnerable and authentic way? How does he do so without coming across as pushy or pressuring? Here are some key points that Mark & Steve address:

- Let’s get REAL—unless we’ve really done some deep work and practice, we ALL have dysfunctions in the way we don’t talk, or even do talk, about “sex” with our partners!

- WHY is that? Where does it come from? And what are the consequences?

- What happens when we take what is often ALREADY not a healthy, open, holistic physical intimacy in our relationship and THEN add sexual betrayal and infidelity???

- What are the complexities and the “balancing act” of a porn/sex addict getting and staying sober while ALSO leaning in and leading out in helping the betrayed partner to heal AND navigating healthy sexuality in the relationship?

- Is sex a “need," or a "want," particularly in the long-term? What is authentic for you (individually and as a couple)?

- What are the initial steps in seeking to create truly healthy sexual intimacy in a relationship?

- You MUST decide whether or not you are both willing to get “emotionally naked” and begin to actually dare to be vulnerable, authentic and real about this part of your relationship—YOU MUST OPEN UP A REGULAR DIALOGUE! This can be awkward, triggering and clumsy. What are a few basic beginning steps?

- What “role” has sex played for each of you and your relationship in the past? What have you been “asking of sex”? How has this been healthy and unhealthy? What needs to change?

- Can you become healthy by continuing on the current sexual track, or do you need to take a break; engage in a reset or a “sexual fast”? If so, what are the basic steps for this to NOT be a “disconnection disaster"?

- True healthy, connecting, ascending sexual intimacy is ALL about the consistent dialogue, sharing, and intimate connections OUTSIDE the bedroom!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services