Why do we cling to people who hurt us? Why does the fear of abandonment feel so unbearable? In this episode, Lisa A. Romano, expert in trauma recovery and codependency healing, unpacks the powerful link between attachment theory and codependency.

From early childhood dynamics to the subconscious fears that drive our adult relationships, Lisa breaks down how insecure attachment styles—like anxious or avoidant—set the stage for emotional dependency, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment.

If you've ever felt like you're addicted to love, overly responsible for others, or terrified of being alone, this episode will help you trace those patterns back to their origin—so you can begin to heal them.

In this episode, you'll learn:
What attachment theory is—and how it relates to codependency
How unmet childhood needs create fear-based attachment styles
Why codependents often attract emotionally unavailable partners
How anxious attachment leads to over-functioning in relationships
Steps to begin forming healthier, more secure connections

This episode is for you if you:
✔️ Fear abandonment or rejection in relationships
✔️ Struggle to speak your truth or set healthy boundaries
✔️ Feel responsible for other people’s emotions
✔️ Tend to give more than you receive in friendships or love

Resources Mentioned:
🌱 Begin healing your attachment wounds with the 12 Week Breakthrough Program
👉 https://www.lisaaromano.com/12-wbcp

🎓 Learn more about attachment theory and recovery on Lisa’s YouTube channel
👉 YouTube – Lisa A. Romano

#AttachmentTheory #CodependencyRecovery #InnerChildHealing #FearOfAbandonment #SelfAbandonment #PeoplePleaser #EmotionalNeglect #HealingFromTrauma #12WeekBreakthrough #LisaRomano

Does your life feel out of control? Do you find yourself feeling stuck, angry, and resentful, and no matter how hard you try to be nice, or kind, or considerate, you only end up feeling worse? Dear One, that is no accident, as you will learn in this incredible breakthrough episode podcast.

Before Lisa A. Romano was diagnosed with codependency, she lived her life prioritizing others' needs, unaware that her lack of self-awareness, her inability to put herself first, or even to have her needs recognized, was rooted in trauma and missing information. Once Lisa was diagnosed with codependency and learned from an intuitive therapist that she was the adult child of unrecovered adult children of alcoholics, and possibly even dry alcoholics, the wheels in her mind started to turn.

From there, Lisa hit the books and the ground running, consuming every book and mentor she could to help her unwind her mind from self-loathing, hypervigilance, negative self-talk, insecurity, and deep feelings of shame and inadequacy. By adding new data into her data bank of self-understanding, through a ferocious and tenacious will, slowly Lisa's entire inner self-perception began to shift, and like a Rubik's cube, her life started reorganizing itself.

Lisa A. Romano is the first to tell you that healing is ugly, terrifying, and lonesome, and she will also ask that you accept the quest despite this, because it is the only way to break through the thick matrix caused by generational trauma. If you are the adult child of an alcoholic, or if you were raised by toxic, narcissistic, wounded, immature, or codependent parents, or if you grew up in what seemed like a normal family but felt emotionally neglected, this podcast episode will resonate with you.

This episode is a must-listen if you:

• Grew up with a parent who struggle with alcoholic parents.

• You are the grandchild of an alcoholic.

• You feel stuck, angry and like your life is out of control.

• Ache to understand yourself, and how your subconsicous mind controls your emotions, reactions, thinking, and your expectation all outside of conscious awareness.

✨ Pro tip: Understanding how your childhood has impacted how you 'think' today, how you 'react', and what you expect to occur in your life is you activating metacognition. Childhood trauma resides at the subconscious. Lisa's methods help you breakthrough!

Begin Your Healing Journey:

Lisa introduces her signature 12 Week Breakthrough Method—a trauma-informed, psychologist approaved, neuroscience-based coaching program designed for adult children of narcissistic, neglectful, or emotionally immature parents.

Inside the program, you'll discover:

• Brain retraining techniques rooted in neuroscience.

• Inner child healing and self-concept reorganization.

• Journaling prompts and assessments to increase self-awareness.

• Tools to stop subconscious self-abandonment and live authentically.

• How to integrate shadow work and break toxic generational patterns.

Thousands have transformed their lives with this method—learning to step out of survival mode and into authentic, empowered living.

👉 Learn more: https://www.lisaaromano.com/12-wbcp

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Borderline personality disorder can be understood as the extreme version of codependency, where, at the core are adult adult children who have suffered from abandonment, rejection, abuse, neglect, and trauma. When an innocent child is unable, through no fault of their own, to connect with their primary caregiver, and especially when that caregiver is actually a source of pain, suffering and instability, the brain of that child is forced to live from the plane of survival. Due to default settings of the personality, brain and nervous system, for the one who has been denied a healthy attachment and who at the same time, also learned that they could not and should not trust the one caring for them, the inner world becomes trapped below the veil of consciousness, living in fear of the love the being so desperately craves.

How Narcissistic Parents Contribute to Borderline Personality Development

Children of narcissistic parents often grow up in environments marked by emotional unpredictability. One moment, the parent may be intrusive, critical, or controlling, and the next they may be cold, withdrawn, or dismissive. This creates a push-pull dynamic where the child never feels secure. Over time, this instability fragments the child’s developing sense of self. Because their emotional needs are dismissed or punished, the child learns to fear abandonment while simultaneously fearing engulfment. They internalize the belief that love is unstable, unsafe, and conditional.

As adults, this unresolved conflict can manifest as borderline traits:

Intense fear of abandonment

Unstable self-image

Difficulty regulating emotions

Stormy, chaotic relationships

These symptoms are not “character flaws” but survival adaptations to a childhood where the parent’s narcissism left no room for stable, secure attachment.

How Narcissistic Parents Create Codependency

While borderline traits stem from instability, codependency develops from self-abandonment. In a narcissistic home, children quickly learn that their parent’s approval, affection, or even basic safety hinges on meeting the parent’s emotional needs.

The child becomes hypervigilant, scanning the parent for shifts in mood, anticipating outbursts, and adapting themselves to keep the peace. This conditioning teaches the child: “My needs don’t matter.” “I must earn love by taking care of others.” “If I say no, I’ll lose connection.”

As adults, these children often:

Over-function in relationships

Prioritize others’ needs above their own

Struggle to set boundaries without guilt

Confuse love with caretaking or control

This is the essence of codependency: a pattern of chronic self-abandonment rooted in early survival strategies.

✅ Bottom line: Both borderline personality traits and codependency share the same root wound — a lack of secure, validating parental love. One path (borderline) reflects the inner chaos of unstable attachment, while the other (codependency) reflects the learned habit of self-erasure for connection. Both are survival strategies that can be unlearned through conscious healing, reparenting, and building self-trust.

Ready to breakthrough these subconscious patterns?

Start here with The 12 Week Breakthrough Method

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