It can be frustrating when people do things we don't want them to do. A friend cancels plans at the last minute. A child refuses to get dressed for school. Before long, our resentment builds, and we're tempted to issue more rules, reminders, and consequences. But the techniques we use to get people to alter their behavior are often strikingly ineffective. This week, psychologist Stuart Ablon explains why these methods fail, and offers better ways to help the people we care about make lasting change..

If you love Hidden Brain, join us for an upcoming live show! We'll be in Los Angeles on November 22, and more dates in 2026 are coming soon. For tickets and more info, go to hiddenbrain.tour.

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No one will deny that marriage is hard. In fact, there’s evidence it’s getting even harder. This week on the show, we revisit a favorite episode about the history of marriage and how it has evolved over time. We talk with historian Stephanie Coontz and psychologist Eli Finkel, and explore ways we can improve our love lives — including by asking less of our partners. Then, on Your Questions Answered, psychologist Jonathan Adler answers your questions about the science of storytelling.

If you have follow-up questions or thoughts about these ideas, and you’d be willing to share them with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone. Then, email it to us at ideas@hiddenbrain.org. Use the subject line “marriage.” That email address again is ideas@hiddenbrain.org.

The Hidden Brain tour is continuing, with our next stop just a few weeks away! Join us in Los Angeles on November 22, and stay tuned for more dates coming in 2026. For more info and tickets, head to hiddenbrain.org/tour.

Episode illustration by Getty Images for Unsplash+

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When things go wrong in our relationships, we often try to change the way our partners behave. But usually, trying to fix a person only makes things worse. Last week, we talked to psychologist James Cordova about why this tendency can be so damaging, and what to do instead. This week, we explore another difficult but effective way to strengthen our relationships. Then, on Your Questions Answered, we bring back researcher Victor Strecher, who studies purpose. Vic spoke with us in June about the death of his daughter, and how it changed his own outlook on purpose. That conversation, which was called "You 2.0: What Is Your Life For?" had a powerful impact on many listeners. We'll hear Vic's responses to their thoughts and questions.

What have you learned about changing your partner in the course of your relationship? Have you come up with ways to accept your partner's flaws? If you have questions or comments for James Cordova, and you'd be willing to share with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a short voice memo on your phone and email it to us at ideas@hiddenbrain.org. Use the subject line "acceptance." Thanks!

The Hidden Brain tour is continuing, with our next stops just a few days away! Join us in Baltimore on October 11 or Washington, D.C. on October 12 to see Shankar live on stage. We'll also be in Los Angeles on November 22, and more dates in 2026 are coming soon. For more info and tickets, head to hiddenbrain.org/tour.

Episode illustration by Paris Bilal for Unsplash+.

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