3 Steps to Healthy Boundaries

A boundary is a limit or space between you and another person. It is a clear place where you begin and the other person ends, physically, mentally, energetically and spiritually.  The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of yourself at all levels of being. Do you have unhealthy boundaries? Unhealthy boundaries involve a disregard for your own and/or others' values, wants, needs, and limits. Unhealthy boundaries can also lead to dysfunctional and potentially abusive relationships.  I’m going to ask a few questions that will help you determine where you have weak boundaries or at least boundaries that need to be strengthened. As I go through these questions, be honest with your feelings-does the question resonate with you, or do you have that area covered? Do you really hate to “let people down?” This can be exemplified by feeling guilty by saying no, so you say yes; or you fear what someone will think of you for saying no; or you give away more of your time than you want, and this prevents you from having time for self-care?  Or you are so rooted in being a “people pleaser” that interactions don’t necessarily make you feel guilty, but you find your mood is often underpinned by a level of anxiety with no obvious cause? Could it stem from a deep feeling of being rejected or abandoned? Does this sound familiar? How do you share your personal information? Those with unhealthy boundaries often “overshare” about their personal information in an attempt to impress the other person, or to make the other person feel special to know so much about you. However, being an open book can demonstrate to the other person that you are desperate to be liked or may not be trustworthy about personal information and with whom it is shared. Or you may not share at all. Sometimes this is because you you’ve been burned in the past, or you are afraid to let someone know you because you’re not sure you know yourself anymore. Does this sound familiar? How do your relationships play out in your life? Do you find that your relationships are fraught with drama? A lack of boundaries can signal others that you obviously don’t know how to take care of yourself This leaves you open to those who want to control you. This may result in codependent relationships or a feeling that you are giving a whole lot more than you are receiving from the relationship. You begin to feel a lack of respect, so you try harder to be “nice” and to make the other person happy. I want to tell you that you are not responsible for creating happiness in any other person!  Does this sound familiar? Do you sometimes feel you’re being “used?” Manipulators seek people to use for their benefit, and many have learned how to flatter you, give you what you want with the goal of taking it back later. Whenever you begin to feel that you are being used, you probably are! This may result in depression, anxiety, or a feeling of exhaustion from suppressing feelings of inadequacy and/or resentment.  Inadequacy can present as an inability to make life decisions; or you feel like you must try harder to “earn” respect by being extra nice; or you fear speaking up or disagreeing with the other person. This inadequacy can lead to a sense of victimhood. Your life feels out of balance, and you no longer feel that you know what you need from life. Your dreams and life’s purpose feel inaccessible, and a part of you may even believe that you didn’t deserve them anyway.  At this point resentment begins to build, and you may start blaming others for your feelings. This is a way of not facing up to the fact that you didn’t set a boundary, but you have given away your power to set a boundary with the other person. Resentment may show up as unexplained anger over small things. You’re angry that it’s raining when you expected sun – a metaphor for looking at things that are not in your control but are making you angry. It may show up as passive aggressive behaviors. First you let others take the advantage. Then you try to manipulate back the energy and power you have lost by nagging the other person, or complaining about them to others, or even punishing them in little ways.  If resentment continues to build, it can even show up as self-destructive, numbing behaviors such as addictive behaviors, or isolating oneself from others. So, does any of this sound familiar?  To be open and honest, and without oversharing, I want you to know that I have been that person who exemplifies these concepts of unhealthy boundaries for a good portion of my life! I was severely bullied in grade school. My brother and sister were both gone from the house when I was 8 and my parents were both working, and because we lived in a very rural area, I had no one to support me. And when I was young, any support that would have come would have been in the form of “toughen up.” I have had weight issues with my weight ...