Untangled

Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

By: Lisa Damour

Narrated by: Lisa Damour

Length: 8 hrs and 37 mins

Publisher's summary

New York Times best seller.

An award-winning guide to the sometimes erratic and confusing behavior of teenage girls that explains what's going on, prepares parents for what's to come, and lets them know when it's time to worry.

Look for Under Pressure, the companion guide to coping with stress and anxiety among girls, available now.

In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct - and absolutely normal - developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including parting with childhood, contending with adult authority, entering the romantic world, and caring for herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including:

• My 13-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond?
• Do I tell my teen daughter that I'm checking her phone?
• My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her?
• Where's the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder?
• My teenage daughter wants to know why I'm against pot when it's legal in some states. What should I say?
• My daughter's friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl's mother to let her know?

Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman.

Books for a Better Life Award winner.

“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [Untangled] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.” (The Washington Post)

“Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.” (The Boston Globe)

©2016 Lisa Damour (P)2016 Random House Audio

Critic reviews

"For years people have been asking me for the 'girl equivalent of Raising Cain', and I haven't known exactly what to recommend. Now I do." (Michael Thompson, PhD, coauthor of Raising Cain)

"An essential guide to understanding and supporting girls throughout their development. It's obvious that Dr. Damour 'gets' girls and understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many girls face." (Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes)

"A gem. Damour deftly blends insights from her clinical experience working with girls, time-honored wisdom on adolescence, the latest social science and neuroscience research, and frank descriptions of cultural trends and media messages. From the moment I read the last page I've been recommending it to my clients (including those with sons!) and colleagues, and using it as a refreshing guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents." (Wendy Mogel, PhD, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee)

Informative and helpful

I have a 13-year-old daughter who struggles with typical teen girl stuff and grows horns at times around the house. Although we have a pretty good relationship, as the mom, I receive the brunt of her angst, anger and criticism. I downloaded this book to help me have more positive and pleasant interactions with her, and I'm glad I did.

One of my biggest takeaways was how to handle her snotty attitude without escalating into a big, stressful argument. Instead of telling teens to "be respectful," Damour tells us to tell them to "be polite." Being "respectful" is somewhat vague, but most teens know how to be polite. Teens might not like what we're asking or telling them, but they need to respond politely. When my daughter's being rude, now I calmly point out that her words are rude and if she wants a response, she can rephrase her words.

Damour also says that teens need to learn that if they want others to do things for them, they need to act decently. If my daughter's acting snotty and then wants me to drop everything and take her somewhere, I can say something like, "I'd like to help you, but it's hard for me to want to do things for you when you're not being very nice to me."

The book also has a lot of good advice for helping girls with body image. I've recommended this book to several friends, including one who is a child therapist, and they all said the book was helpful.

Great insights

This book was wonderful in its insights. It helped me find some logical reasons for what we saw as illogical behavior

"Excellent book, with a few caveats"

Overall, this book provides a very helpful framework for thinking about how to guide girls through adolescence. I really appreciated the ways Dr. Damour helped me think about the role of conflict, honesty, vulnerability, patience, and self-care in my relationship with my daughter. There were a few aspects of the book that I thought were a bit problematic. It was extremely hereto- and cis-normative, aside from a few short passages where Dr. Damour mentioned coming out as lesbian or transgender. Unfortunately, she didn’t discuss the wide range of queer identities or sexual/romantic relationships that may be relevant to adolescents, and she misgendered a hypothetical trans child. Yikes! There were some fatphobic and medically inaccurate references to weight gain as well. And her discussion of drug laws as being in response to the potential harm that can be caused by particular substances is historically and politically inaccurate, which is a bit problematic when it comes to having honest conversations with adolescent girls about substance use (and I was disappointed that there wasn’t a discussion of tobacco use and vaping, as that is a much bigger concern for me). That said, the book significantly shifted the way I have been thinking about my work as a parent of a pre-teen girl who is already taking up these developmental strands in her own behavior and thinking, and it has made me much more hopeful and excited about the years to come.

A must read for anyone who cares about his / her daughter.

Practical, gender-equality conscious tips from a professional. I love how she addresses the very real problems adolescent girls face in this era (social media pressure, sexting, etc.), and offers suggestions that empower young girls, rather than shame them, or make them fall further down the abyss of our society's ingrained sexism / inequality.

Five stars!

This book saved my sanity!

I am so happy I read this book! I am raising a great teenage daughter as a single mom. This has helped me navigate through the ups and downs! I highly recommend this book to all parents of teenage girls!

Get this book!

The advice, explanations, everything was perfect! So helpful for such a confusing topic - teenage girls. Wish it was written four years ago!

Morale booster & encouagment for single moms

I am a single mom. Single parenting was not addressed in this book at all and the examples were all about well to do children with 2 parents. Even so, this book did for me what a husband doesn't, which is to reaffirm that how my daughter is behaving is normal, and it reaffirmed some things I'm doing right, and showed me some things I'm not doing right. I'd go so far as to say it talked me down off the edge of a nervous breakdown or deep depression. This book helped me improve my relationship with my daughter. It wasn't written for single moms, but I highly recommend it to them. I have no husband to validate my feelings or actions as a parent and so I tend to be more needy of my children and more devestated when they reject me. "Untangled" gave me the validation I needed, and helped me see my daughters behavior isn't because I'm a bad mom, and she isn't always going to hate me. It hurts being rejected by your only daughter who you love so dearly, especially when there is no one to fall back on or you have no friends with teenage daughters to compare notes with. This book put things in perspective for me and showed me its all part of growing up.

Very informative

One of the most important parenting books I have read in a long time. Anyone with a tween or teen girl in their life should read this.

So informative and helpful!

This was an easy to understand/hear, straightforward, guide with concrete techniques and advice. I recommend it to anyone with a daughter in upper Elementary School through H.S.

Love it. a must read

I really appreciate that this book doesn't point a finger at teen girls or assign blame to them for going through the trickiest portion of life. The parents should hold up a mirror and take ownership. I love the positive outlook and I will highly recommend this to my friends and family.