The Moon landings. The fall of the Berlin Wall. The conviction of Al Capone. Everyone remembers exactly where they were when the news broke of these landmark moments in history. Well get memorising your surroundings people because it’s about to happen again. That’s right. None of your common-or-garden bean-machine-spewed topics this week. Oh no. Prepare to drink in a world first and please welcome the inaugural episode of a podcast format that takes The Rule Book, tears it to shreds then pickles it to prevent spoilage in case it turns out we need it later after all - it’s “Show us your onions!”.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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This week the Bean Machine stopped weeping tears of fresh, semi-skimmed milk for the first time in four years and spat out the topic of saints as submitted by Nathan of Bristol. Which cosmic force acted through Nathan to prompt his submission we cannot know. Nor indeed is it clear if this is the only time Nathan has been used as a sacred conduit or if it occurs frequently. If the latter, is Nathan aware of what is happening? And is he using it for good or is he diverting this otherworldly force for things like avoiding traffic jams and making meringues with lovely, stiff peaks? Sounds like it’s time for an investigation by the Bishop of Bristol, P.I.!

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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What truly separates mankind from other species is our irrepressible urge to shove things that are far bigger than the aperture of our dwellings into our dwellings. Some members of mankind will, at points in their lives, increase the size of their dwellings or move to bigger dwellings, but it is implicitly understood that the aperture into this dwelling must remain the same size so that oversized objects can still be acquired and shoved through it, thus sating mankind’s purest impulse. Perhaps Roy of Spalding is, as we speak, proudly and sweatily draped across a big thing he has freshly shoved into his own dwelling. Perhaps he is lodged between his front door frame and the arm rest of a sumptuous leather sofa. Either way what is on his mind is moving house and that is this week’s (perpetually relevant) topic for the beans.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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Charlie of Loughborough feeds The Olympics into the bean machine for this week’s lukewarm topic. Any of Henry, Mike or Ben could definitely have been a gold medal winning olympian if they’d only had the right opportunities, encouragement, childhood pets, funding, early surgical interventions, talent profile, genetic modification and work ethic so this is a subject close to their hearts.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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The chicken. Tuna Of The Fields. The Bishop’s Rest. The Pauper’s Goose. Captain Susan’s Seed Hoover. El Punzón Que Vuela. The Crap Eagle. That it goes by so many names is, perhaps, proof of its profound impact on our culture through the ages. Katherine of Boston can surely be forgiven then for selecting chickens as this week’s topic for the beans.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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The coastguard is this week’s topic at the behest of Cat of Ontario, Canada. Given the fact that Canada is the nation with the longest coastline in the world perhaps Cat is hoping to find out whether or not Canada also has the longest coastguards? Although, if so, given that Cat is not only from Canada but is also a member of the the Canadian Coastguard, this seems like the sort of thing they could have found out for themselves. But then again maybe that won’t come up.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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According to facts there are more roads in the world now than at any point in history: the A49, Route Sixty-Something, Thunder Road etc and so on. Surely, therefore, there is no better time than now to buckle up and listen to a podcast about road trips. Thanks to Josh of Bristol for the topic and remember the rubber don’t burn when the banter’s lukewarm.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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The Caveman. Stone Age creature. Witness of the dawn of humanity. He knows only that he must survive and that he must survive only to procreate so that one fine, lukewarm dawn his afterbears might emerge from the cave with enough opposable brain cells to be able to work out how to record a podcast. Thank you to Isaac of London for this crucial topic.

With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.

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