Remember the War on Women? Is that still a thing? Do women still go off to finishing school? What goes on there? Let’s say your name is still Debbie and you’re still developmentally optimistic, then you’ve probably missed the short squeeze altogether. And that’s good. Bring Your Wife to Work Day is only once a year, so honey, when opportunity knocks, don’t complain about the noise! Get after it. You can still Wang Chung when you need to. Even before the War on Women, you knew a Pop Tart from a Captain’s Wafer,. and that DWI doesn’t really means Doing What I Like. Wait, is that too many letters? Either way, you can’t conquer the world in bad shoes. It’s just not done! So no more standing behind the velvet ropes for you! Hell no. Debbie or not, you are done being a super spreader for anybody. Look, the Taliban didn’t have enough girls in management, and look what happened to them. Hell is real. And heat rises. That’s critical Otis Theory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Why is it that some still need to take their shoes off on an airplane ride? It’s just wrong. Still or sparkling, that’s gotta hurt. The guy next to you will never order another chicken fried steak again after seeing your airplane feet all fileted out in the walkway. It’s just too triggering! Looking at those hooves you walk around on, all laid out in the middle of the aisle like that, could give anybody bone loss. Nothing else can survive once you see airplane feet with the toenails shaped like Greenland. So stop it! And if you take ‘em out and start picking at everything you’ll need emergency nose and glasses just to sneak off the plane in one piece. But wait, there are exemptions to the no airplane feet rule. If your are scheduled to compete in the next Miss Vacant Lot pageant, you’re good. Otherwise, if you still have a need to show off your airplane feet in flight, don’t be too surprised if some hex nut puts a spell on you. It could happen. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Your Uncle Otis is back with a real Southern apology for China, since they may not have one of those yet. And until you’ve had a good southern apology, honey you don’t know sorry. So here goes. China, here in the South, we kinda stole YOUR intellectual property too!! That’s right, we stole you blind on Chinese Checkers. Here’s the way it works: if you’re not smart enough to pay Chess, then you play Checkers. But if you’re not smart enough to play Checkers, you play Chinese Checkers. That’s just how it’s done. So even though Chinese robots are taking our JOBS, we still let the kids from the camp play Chinese Checkers all summer, cause nobody ever wins…just like in China!! Otis even gives China a free idea! Can you guess what it is? Hear podcast ~ Wash hands

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Today we’re bringing in the Count of Monty Crypto to help explain the US economy in a way even Jasmine can understand it. Step one, if you want to save big money, don’t buy anything. Next: Hide your stuff! Go out in the backyard, dig a hole and put your stuff down there, then cover it up. If the Zohan people can’t find it, they can’t tax it or give it to the aliens. Then, don’t buy anything that says DISPOSABLE. What’s the point? Let somebody else buy it and when they throw it away you go back around and pick it up for nothing. This is so easy. Let’s say you want some Crypto Currency. You don’t know why but everybody’s doing it and you don’t want to miss out. Well, BaitCoin is a whole lot cheaper than BitCoin, and you can do more with it. BaitCoin is locally sourced, the correct people will cheer for that, like local honey, they get all worked up over that too. Gives them the same warm, welcoming embrace as socialism. Like the gooey cheese in the Mondami mouse trap. “Come on in, have some promotional cheese. We’ll just take it from the people on the hill. They’ve got too much cheese.” Who let this happen? Next, you’ll be making your own clothes. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Big Bad Bunny is now hiring. He’s about to do the half time SuperBowl show and still needs a few good men to hold up his scarf for the big game. It’s a ballsey move, but since Super Bowl is copyrighted, we’re not allowed to talk about what a dumb NFL idea this really is. They just need you to lower your expectations for game day and accept Mr. Bunny for who he or they really is. Just give him a little time to get his roots done! Now since the Bunny man always seems to turn up third and long, you’re gonna need to know how to score all this! A simple organism about to take the stage. Not the halftime entertainment you expected, but there it is anyway. And if you stand behind the velvet ropes, Big Blue Bunny will be happy to give you a peek at what really goes on at Doggy Day Care. A million flies can’t be wrong, and this one’s really going to stink! Our friend the Bunny has been butt dialed more than once from a Princess phone. So what’s different this time, except maybe for 90 million of the undead hopefully still watching. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas. Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining. What is it Oppo? Why so sad? Awwww, is it because Jasmine’s spirit animal is an oyster? Jasmine’s going to need an edge to win in Texas and that’s where the mail in ballots come in. Oh the larceny! Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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You’ve landed on the Jasmine Report – the weekly national tracker that chronicles the latest bull corn leaking out of Jasmine’s campaign for Senate. Now sometimes Jasmine’s mind plays tricks on her when she dreams of winning the rural vote. “Should I go campaign at the Cracker Barrel or the Waffle House,” thought Jasmine. I wouldn’t get too worked up with that one honey. You’ve got a lot more apologizing to do before you land any of the Billy Jack vote. So it’s no surprise that hurricane Jasmine hired a rapper to follow her around and make up bad songs about all her big ideas. If Jasmine says we should put screen doors on submarines, then there must be a good reason, so don’t rule it out. Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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APOLOGY REQUEST FORM

Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize. With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request Form. Just contact this station and tell them to send you an official Uncle Otis Apology Request form and we’ll see what we can do. Just let me know who was offended: was it you, your wife, wife’s sister or other, along with what you think we said (or just meant) that was so bad. We’ve heard it all before, so go take your shot! Now you know what to do! Order your CERTIFICATE OF APOLOGY from your Uncle Otis and I’ll see you at the peace March. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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