The Devil Inside

By: Nicky James

Narrated by: Nick J. Russo

Length: 10 hrs and 51 mins

Publisher's Summary

Their love was innocent and pure…

Until they were forced to believe differently.

Until they were brutally schooled on the “right” way to love. 

Oakland is not gay. 

Jameson is not gay. 

Being gay is wrong. It is immoral. It is a sickness they must fight. It is the devil inside that needs to be purged.

At least that’s what they’ve been conditioned to believe.

They’ve spent years trudging through the wreckage left behind after eight months in conversion therapy as teenagers.

When their lives collide again fifteen years later, the denial they’ve lived with for years gets harder and harder to fight.

They loved each other once. Can two broken men find a way to love each other again?

The Devil Inside is a higher angst, second chance, MM Romance novel with a HEA.

**Please heed trigger warnings.**

©2020 Nicky James (P)2022 Nicky James

just wow!!!

THE STORY:
Where to start with this review??
Oh My Gawd!!! The Devil Inside is such a powerful second chance story by one of my favourite authors, the queen of angst – Nicky James.

This book isn’t for the faint hearted. The complexity and depth of character of Oakland and Jameson are outstanding!! It is beautifully written with well-timed wit to add relief and balance to an otherwise difficult story.
As always, Mrs. James knows just how to keep her readers engaged with the addition of endearing side characters.

The understanding and respect with which Nicky James tells her stories is commendable. She takes exceedingly difficult topics (in this case the aftereffects of conversion therapy) and presents them to her readers with compassion as she aims to educate us to the many facets of mental health.

I cannot recommend this book enough!! Definitely one of the most compelling reads for me for 2020!!

THE NARRATION:
Again, Nick J Russo did a stellar job with this book!! The emotions and feels that he imparted into his performance was outstanding.
Nick made me feel the characters emotions, their hurt, their anguish. He also made me feel their love.

Congratulations on another amazing collaboration!!

Another moving Nicky James book

Authors provide trigger warnings to protect their readers. Some risk giving away the plot, but they want their readers to know that certain tough subjects are going to be addressed and if they have any concerns, they might want to steer clear from the book. Then they go on to present the best book they possibly can while handling these delicate subjects.

To be clear – many of Nicky James’s books have trigger warnings. To be clear – I will steer readers toward them when necessary. So, obviously, this book’s warnings are justified. All that being said? It’s a great book.

We’ve heard the horror stories of conversion therapy. It’s being banned in Canada for children under the age of eighteen. Frankly, it should be outlawed entirely. People don’t choose to be gay. They don’t grow up and decide, ‘hey, I want to be marginalized, ostracized, and harassed for who I choose to love’. That’s really not a thing. But when a child grows up hearing that homosexuality is a sin and that they’ll go to Hell – well, that may leave them with few options. For the record – you can’t pray away the gay.

I think both Oakland and Jameson, at various points in their lives, would have done just that. But they haven’t been able to. The result? One is in a sexless marriage and one haunts gay bars to find anonymous men who will hurt him as they screw him. Yeah, so not great. Both also drink and smoke – attempts to deal with life in general. One manages to hold down a job and is attempting to maintain a relationship with his parents. The other walked away from his parents after being forced into conversion therapy and can rarely hold down a job for an extended period of time.

Both are miserable.

Both find decent therapists who send them to a therapy group of people who endured conversion therapy. A disparate group of men and women who were traumatized in their formative years.

That Jameson and Oak wind up in the same group is pretty remarkable – they both grew up in a small town well outside Toronto, and yet have both wound up in Toronto. Not entirely surprising – both were looking for anonymity – Jameson and his family hoping to find a new church with people who don’t know Jameson’s past and Oak because starting over again far from home seemed the best option.

Hasn’t really worked out for others. Yet something really cool happens – Jameson is asked by his parents to help out an elderly lady when her son is out of town. She’s a little loopy and her mind isn’t all there, but it’s clear he comes to adore her. Then he finds out she has a secret and it blows his mind. It changes how he sees the world and himself. And eventually he brings Oak into this little group and his world is changed as well.

To be clear – this is not an easy book. There’s a marriage to untangle, there are parents to deal with – there is a crap ton of baggage to unpack. At first it seemed like the men weren’t even good for each other. Eventually, that changed. But they did not choose the easy path, that’s for sure.

Sometimes secondary characters make a book and this is certainly one of those. This was a very powerful book and I’m so glad I listened. And speaking of listening – Nick J. Russo did a fantastic job of narrating this book. His performance was stellar and I recommend this – just read the trigger warnings first.

Oh The Feels!

Just... WOW! This audio broke my heart and mended it. There are difficult themes in this book, but they are so deftly written I fell wholeheartedly into the lives of these characters and hated every time I had to hit pause. This is an emotional rollercoaster of a ride but I became so invested in Oakland and Jameson. Nick J Russo's performance took this to another level, able to bring out the emotions of each scene. Nicky James and Nick J Russo are a fantastic pairing. This is well worth a credit!

Powerful and brilliantly performed! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Oh… My… God! I can’t remember a book having left me so knocked out by the raw, gritty, brutal emotions it lays bare! This one is not for the faint of heart. It will gut you… completely… repeatedly! But its sheer brilliance is not to be missed!

When they were 17 years old, Oakland and Jameson were caught during a sexual encounter. Their parents reaction? Send the teens away for gay conversion therapy, where they endured eight months of brainwashing, abuse, and torture.

Now it’s 15 years later and the two unexpectedly run into each other in group therapy. It is not a happy reunion. Oakland has been killing himself trying to be a good, proper “straight” husband for the last several years. And Jameson? Well, he’s been punishing himself with angry and abusive sex he solicits in dive bars. He looks for, and provokes, violent fights. Basically he is drowning in internalized homophobia and it’s killing him too.

Listening to Oakland and Jameson navigate a new friendship was gut wrenching but also rewarding. At times I didn’t know how I would make it through because Nick J Russo‘s narration was so powerful and emotional. He put me in the room with these shattered men. Listening to him as Oakland broke my heart. His Jameson made me gasp and shutter. There were moments that required explosive anger and Russo’s delivery shook me to my core. But then there were the softer moments, and even lighthearted, funny ones that he narrated with equal skill. I cannot praise him enough for his masterful performance of this memorable book.

Nicky James is a thoughtful writer. This story takes us into the depths of pain and suffering but ultimately rewards us with tenderness, love and little doses of comic relief, often coming from wonderful secondary characters. My absolute favorite of those is their friend Geraldine, an 80+-year-old force of nature who wisely drops nuggets like: “If [God] wanted my son to date women, then he wouldn’t have made him so fond of penises, now would he? … I’m pretty fond of penises myself. ” You just have to love an old girl like that! And you will love our broken men as well.

Before venturing into this audiobook, please heed the trigger warnings for suicidal ideation, self harming, violence, substance abuse, internalized homophobia, and homophobic language. Once I knew what I was getting into, I pressed play. When I started listening I couldn’t stop. I kept saying “just one more chapter”. But that turned into three, then four, then the next thing I knew it was hours later and I was happily sighing as I reached the hard-fought HEA.

Thank you Nicky James for this thought-provoking, unapologetic, necessary story. And thank you Nick J Russo for allowing us to meet these characters in the best way possible. This is a “must listen”!!

Heartbreaking

Where to begin?! What to say about a book that left me speechless, a book that left me feeling EVERYTHING?! My heart broke for JJ and Oak. Their story was one of the most painful I ever read, and Nick J. Russo does such a tremendous job bringing them to life!
My most cherished books are usually the most angsty ones. The ones where the mc's have to fight hard for their hea, the reward of that worth every second of their feelings of hopelessness, of their fear, their tears, their depressive thoughts, their hurt. But I don't think I ever read a book where I wondered how they would ever, EVER reach that moment of true happiness, the moment where they would finally be together and dare to be happy. This book was so, so hard. Each time JJ hurt himself, every time he allowed his inner self hatred to do things that were bad for him, I hurt. My heart broke for him multiple times, as it did for Oakland. It broke for the both of them, bled for them, and even though the ending was healing, I'm sure there will be scars left.

So, first of all: this book is not for everyone. There are a lot of triggers, and I advise you to read them - they are mentioned for a reason. They include conversion therapy, self harm, suicidal thoughts, drugs abuse, internal homophobia, external homophobia, struggles with religious faith - I'm sure I even forget some. But please, be aware of them before reading this book.
This book is the story of Jameson and Oakland, two men who fell in love with each other as teenagers. They were discovered, though, and sent to a facility that 'would make them better' - conversion therapy. That was fifteen years ago, and neither have recovered from the brain washing practices. If anything, they both suffer tremendously. Both in different ways, but fact is that they hate themselves for having 'bad desires' and they struggle with life. Both aren't living, they are just barely surviving.
Oakland has married, because he thought if he did, he would prove to himself and the world he would be healed, he wouldn't be sick anymore. But of course the marriage isn't working for obvious reasons. He drowns himself in pills and drugs and booze and can barely manage to go through daily life.
Jameson wears different masks all the time. His religious parents believe he has been healed and hope for him to find a nice girl and settle down. But in the dark alleys at night, Jameson searches for men to hurt him, to punish him for the cravings he has that are proof he's still sick. His religious upbringing makes him believe the devil is living inside him, making him do all the things he doesn't want to do. Making him sick. He hates himself for it. He harms himself and has been admitted to a mental health hospital several times for more than one suicide attempt. The one bright light in his life is Geraldine, an older lady he met through his parents, who used to attend the same church as they did. When her son is too busy, he takes care of her. Even though her mind isn't what it used to be and she confuses things and memory's, she loves 'her Jimmy' and she's one of the best things that happened to Jameson (JJ). I loved how Nicky James 'used' Geraldine to enlighten the story every now and then. She's such a special character - sweet, and in her confused mind, she sometimes says the nicest things - and so true without realizing! Or does she...?) That's why I love Nicky James's books. She is the queen of angst for a reason, but she also knows how to balance the angst with a bit of humor and sweet secondary characters. I also had a lot of love for Amanda, Oakland's (ex)wife, for how she responded when he told her the truth. She was hurt too, and yet she tried to be there for Oakland too, understanding how he was hurt and damaged with the conversion therapy, how he could hardly be held responsible for the mess that was his life.

Maybe this book was even more intense because I listened to it. Nick J. Russo did such a great job with both JJ and Oakland! The tremors in his voice when JJ was at the verge of crying brought tears to my eyes too. When JJ is unreasonably angry with himself, when he drives Oakland away because he is angry with him too, when he's looking for men to physically abuse him just so he could feel the punishment he deserves...It was so, so hard to listen to! I believe with this book, Nicky James and Nick J. Russo are a perfect match.
Some of my friends might remember I haven't been doing audio books for a very long time yet, but it's books like these where the audio adds so many extra layers to the story, that my only regret is that I haven't picked up on audio sooner. I'm not saying that every book will be better when listened to, because I doubt that too, but for some books it's just that perfect extra touch that makes you feel on a deeper level.

Highly recommended!!!

Top 2022 LISTEN and yup 2020 read.

This book is simply put amazing. I read this book in 2020 and now listened to it and it is a top 2022 listen for me. I was an emotional mess listening to Nick bring Oakland and Jameson to life. I felt the story was even more heartbreaking hearing it vs reading read. I FELT a the story.

It is a huge 5 stars and I wish I could give it more. I know anything I write here is not even doing these beautiful men justice. I could NOT stop listening with the tears flowing. (And I listen when I go walking)

Jameson and Oakland are so heartbreakingly beautiful. My heart ached in pain for these men’s past and the future they were fighting for. They are scarred inside and out because of what their parents put them through and what has been trained in their minds in conversion therapy.

This is a second chance romance with guys that fell in love as boys and never let that love go as men even though they tried to fight it for so many years.

Please take the trigger warning seriously. There’s self harming, addiction, suicidal thoughts, and mentally unstable men. Everything these guys fight through daily just hurt my heart.

However, they are survivors and with the love of an unexpected family, Micah, Wally, and most of all Geraldine they find the support they need in these three wonderful people.

There’s all the angst but Nicky gives us the step by step heal these men need to have their HEA. Brilliant. Just brilliant and beautiful story

Amazing

Words cannot express how amazing this book is! Nicky James is the queen of ripping your heart apart and putting it back together and boy does she ever do it with this book! It is complex, angsty and just fantastic! Nick Russo does a lovely job at narrating this one!

Love is strong

Nicky James is a top notch, AAA level writer, who can build an interesting story around two (or more) main characters and also the other way around; she can build a story around two (or more) main characters. She is a master with the pen. In a short span of time you get to know the world these characters live in and who they are, their history and life. Oakland and Jamison went through hell in their youth, but through their zest for life (I am not to judge), they came out victorious on the other side, leaving their families behind to go forward and live life to their fullest. I will always recommend you to read a Nicky James novel. She is that terrific and then some. ❤️

Heartbreaking beautiful story

Oakland and Jameson's story is not an easy one. There is so much they both go through to find their HEA. Nicky is the queen of angst and this absolutely delivered and Nick's narration made it so much better. absolutely worth the listen!

The devil inside, is no match for an old women.

i read this book when it first came out, it hit the top of my read list and in finished it soon after, so when the audio version came out i snatched it asap. reentering this story was not like the first, hearing Nick bring everyone to life made it hit a lot different. This story is very high in the angst even for a James story. This one is not for the faint of heart and even triggered me to some degree even though this isn't a life i experienced but did fear.

There was a light in the tunnel that i knew would make me and im sure others ( including jimmy) feel better. an old women by the name of Geraldine.one of if not the best characters that i personally love and think about regularly the grandma we all deserve to have. every time she was in the scene it was a great time even when things got heavy.

Go in with this book and expect a ride because your gonna get one. watching these two men reconnect is very painful and sometimes hard to watch, but its so worth it at the end for them to find there own version of "normalcy" and jimmy getting put in the slammer. that too

So painfully brilliant

Story: My heart broke in the first few minutes of the story and was meticulously put back together. The story is so genuine and visceral, with no punches held, that it took my breath away. I loved it! Another Nicky James hit!
Narration: great performance! Just what the story needed to get it to the next level!

Such an amazing, emotional story

No one writes angst like Nicky James. This audio was dark, devastating, and incredibly emotional. It ripped my heart out and left me bleeding emotions all over the place. Please pay attention to the trigger warnings, because there were frequent mentions of addictive behaviors, mental illness, and homophobia.

Oakland and Jamison's lives were an absolute mess at the beginning of this story. As conversion therapy survivors, they carried an intense weight with them every day. Haunted by their past and full of self-hate, these men were battling to make it through. It was brutal to listen to their struggle without an end in sight. Nick Russo's narration was fantastic, in the sense that I felt wrecked and completely unable to pull myself away from the story once I'd started. For most of the audio, I couldn't see a way for Oakland or Jamison to pursue a real relationship without falling back into toxic thoughts and bad habits. Their journey was very slow and full of backsliding and second-guessing. It painted an honest picture of how hard it is to accept yourself when you've been conditioned to think differently. I'm in awe of how well Nicky explored these difficult topics while still giving these men the happy ending they deserved.

**I voluntarily listened to a free copy of this book. This review expresses my honest thoughts and opinions.

Emotional, painful,beautiful and amazing narration

Loved this audio! The story itself is really painful and emotional, and the narrator did an amazing job with this one. Giving life to these characters...it was just amazing.

I love this book and I don't know why it isn't in the top (probably because of the angst o meter in this one, lol).

The characters are both in denial, but gladly their eyes open up slowly. Two broken soul, one love story.

This book was just as beautiful and painful as the other ones by Nicky. I fell in love with the story and loved reading Oak and JJ 's relationsip. The addictions both had, and the way they tried to find the light and accept themself and their feelings. It was beautifully written. How can something be this painful and beautiful at the same time?

JJ's POV was hardest and he suffered more, and I hurt for him and Oak too. Oakland's life was a bit lighter but the same dark as JJ's. Those things they went through in their teenage life was horrible.

Loved it and highly recommend.

emotional story

This is such an emotional and raw story. I read it when it was first released and I'm pleased that it is now on audio. sometimes when listening to an audio book you get the emotions more and this certainly did that. My heart broke several times. These two broken men have been through so much . They were childhood friends but were caught kissing and were sent to conversation therapy which really messed them up. Fast forward some years and they meet in a support group and slowly reconnect. it isn't easy but they both work hard.

Simply Magnificent ❤️❤️

Oh my god .....another amazing audio by Nicky James blown away by the book and audio is something else performed by Nick J Russo who has captured both Jameson & Oakland perfectly he brings out all the pain anguish, torment and despair that both of these go through struggling with mental illness battle depression addiction, self hatred he's nailed it you feel it all it breaks you apart and puts you back together you need a tissue i can't recommend it enough absolutely brilliant well done. 💖💖

My heart is shattered !!!

Oh my days, my heart has been ripped to shreds, while making my blood boil...
This is not a light and entertaining story, it's one that will have you questioning how people can be
so evil, they must have the devil inside.

So much despair !
So much anger !
So much hatred !
And so many masks...

How can two men come back from such trauma inflicted on them as children, it almost feels impossible.
Both Oakland and Jameson battle depression, addiction, self hatred and so much more on a daily basis.
Just to function they have to wear so many different masks, and pretend that they are living, when all
they feel are worthless and a burden, they really must have the devil inside, they deserve punishment.

Nicky James is in a league of her own when it comes to characters struggling with mental illness of all kinds.
The depth of torment and levels of despair she writes about are astonishing, I felt the anguish that both
Oakland and Jameson lived through, I ached for them. I detest Conversion Therapy with a passion.
She may have dragged them through hell but she also brought them back to each other and into the light.
Her writing is just amazing and her characters come in all shapes and sizes and quirks and needs.

This story will break you, yet by the end you will believe in the goodness humanity again.

Nick J Russo did a remarkable job with this story, I felt the anguish in their voices and even flinched
at the level of self hatred pouring from Jameson's mouth, definitely worthy of praise.

Beyond emotional

If this story doesn’t break your heart you don’t have one. Where this author finds the strength to keep coming up with stories so real and so emotional amazes me. This is another example. Two high school guys, coming from religious families, who parents find out these two best friends are gay so what do these religious people do but send their son’s to Conversion therapy. There they are separated and totally abused. This story picks up 15 years later when the men are grown and have not seen each other since before the therapy. Purely by accident they run across each other. Both have had destructive behaviors and are trying to find help. Both believe there is something wrong. One is unhappily married to a woman he loves but more in a bff way. He tries but is on the downside of handling the marriage. He has taken to pills and drink to try and block out what he doesn’t want to face. The other drinks and physically harms himself. When they meet, they are forced to face where they are headed. This has it’s positive moments but it also made me mad to think parents could do this to their children. Again, I just can’t imagine what it takes from this author to be able to write this. The narration by Nick J Russo really brought all the characters to life. He does an excellent job of giving each character their own voice.