Chelsey Brooke Cole and Tami discuss narcissistic personality structure and how to identify if someone is a narcissist. They consider myths of narcissism, the narcissistic cycle and how hoovering shows up, and the look and feel of various narcissistic types. They then answer participant questions about narcissist behavior, options for healing, and a realistic look at a future in a partnership with a narcissist.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:20] Hoovering and other narcissistic buzzwords.

[3:58] Chelsey's personal experience with narcissism.

[5:01] Debunking common myths about narcissism.

[9:20] Typical behavoirs of a narcissist.

[13:20] The defense mechanisms for the insecure, fragile ego of a narcissist.

[19:53] Characteristics of the six types of narcissists.

[25:05] Sex addiction and the narcissist.

[31:57] The narcissistic cycle of abuse, including hoovering.

[37:49] What triggers the Hoover phase?

[48:37] What happens if you decide to stay?

[49:45] Are there drawbacks to seeking a narcissist diagnosis?

[51:27] How can you gray rock a narcissist so they don't get escalation tactics?

[53:02] Is it a bad idea to point out narcissistic tendencies in your partner?

[54:09] Is narcissism treatable?

[56:17] Does my partner's behavior indicate narcissism?

[58:10] Do narcissists know what they are doing?

[1:00:21] What is the best approach to address the abuse of narcissistic traits used to self-protect and control?

[1:02:03] Can a narcissist develop empathy for their partner, and what does treatment involve?

[1:04:31] Is narcissism a mental health condition?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "Narcissism is not a diagnosis, it's a personality style and trait."

• "All narcissists, even the ones who will self-report having high self esteem, are subconsciously insecure pathologically."

• "Narcissistic abuse is like being in the middle of a tornado but not knowing it's a tornado."

• "Feeling desperate is not the same as being accountable."

• "Real accountability ends with you, Hoover statements always end with them."

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about co-regulating, couples healing, betraying partners who continue to minimize and resources to help betrayed partners move forward. They also address maladaptive behaviors and coping mechanisms, the power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness, and the importance of honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:50] How can I tell if my partner is becoming regulated again?

[6:27] Physical signs that your partner is getting upset.

[9:20] What is defined as a crisis, and when do you talk about it?

[18:20] What is the practical difference between addiction and problematic porn?

[21:45] Why is your spouse not your priority?

[27:43] The power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness.

[31:30] Three follow-up questions about recovery resources.

[33:10] Is there any hope for a future that is not dominated by betrayal?

[38:10] Honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal.

[45:46] How can I get past the egregious images of his betrayal?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "It is the addict's responsibility to set aside their own crisis until the partner feels heard and supported."

• "The more you grow in your recovery, the more capacity you will have."

• "How are you supporting yourself?" And if he's not listening to you, do you have people in your life who are?"

• "Your relationship may never improve, but you don't have to feel damaged."

• "Even if your partner chooses not to do the work, that does not have to define who you are."

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami explore the uncomfortable truths of emotional regulation, the importance of sitting with emotional discomfort, and realistic expectations for betrayal addicts and their partners to see improvements in their relationship. They then answer listener questions about emotional regulation techniques, timeframes, and the motivation behind seeking to be an emotionally regulated partner in a relationship.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:33] The hard truth of staying emotionally present.

[4:34] Roadblocks to developing emotional leadership.

[7:08] What emotional leadership isn't.

[10:29] What emotional leadership is.

[18:30] Your partner is seeking safety, not explanations.

[20:33] Dialogue for emotionally stable conversations.

[22:35] The role of healthy conflict in healing.

[28:19] "You are asking a lot of the betrayed partner."

[33:32] The person in pain and grief never gets to take a timeout from the nightmare. Why should their partner?

[35:17] Is this a slip or relapse?

[38:36] How can I better manage my emotions in the moment?

[40:20] How long should recovery work take?

[43:02] How can I correct after I become disregulated?

[45:43] How long will it take to feel confident and see results in my relationship?

[47:40] My partner ran away, how long should I give him to process?

[49:58] Body language recommendations.

[53:47] How do I know if emotional regulation techniques are working for me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "You cannot establish emotional leadership if you can't emotionally regulate yourself."

• "Emotional leadership is not about winning. It's about the way you handle emotional distress when things become uncomfortable."

• "Safety, not explanations, is what your partner's nervous system is seeking in order to regulate."

• "You can be factually correct and absent at the same time."

• "Demonstrating emotional leadership is not a one-time performance."