On average, over 175 Americans die every day from substance use disorder. They are all someone’s sons and daughters. That’s 175 mothers every day who lose their child to drugs. On October 1, 2016, I became one of them. Blindsided, lost, debilitated, enraged, deep in my grief, I journaled. This is my journal from the first year, unfiltered, unedited - a mother tortured by the loss of her high-functioning son to opioids, exploring the insanity in grief and trying to figure it out, calling for change, calling for an end to stigma, and calling for her son.