http://www.sherylkline.com/blog

One of the questions I’m asked frequently, whether I’m leading a mastermind cohort, working one on one with clients, or speaking from a stage, is this:

“What is the successful sequence of making a ‘big ask’ and receiving buy-in?”

And this applies internally ... asking for new scope, a title, compensation, or resources.

It also applies externally ... asking a client to commit, expand, renew, or say yes to a bigger engagement.

Most people think the ask is the moment that matters most.

It’s not.

The ‘ask’ is the fourth step.

If you want buy-in, you need the right sequence ... because the sequence is what makes the ask feel like a solution, not a request for the other to give something up.

So, the next time you commit to making a big ask, consider the following:

Step 1: Build a Trust and Safety Runway

Before you ask for anything, it’s important to build a trust and safety runway.

Not trust that you can get something done or competence trust.

Explicit communication that demonstrates rust that you understand and care about the other person’s perspective/condition.

Trust that you are paying attention to what they’re carrying. This creates safety for them to lean into what you’re asking.

This is a need, not a bonus. In our hierarchy of needs, we need to feel safe and cared for. And this step is often overlooked.

So what does it look like?

It sounds like an explicit concern. Keep in mind, to sound like you care it’s imperative that you do!

• “It sounds like this quarter is carrying a lot of weight for you.”
• “It sounds like you’re being asked to hold a lot of priorities at once.”
• “It seems like this issue is incredibly important.”

And here’s the beautiful part:

It is okay if you are slightly off.

If you say, “It sounds like XYZ is the main concern,” and you’re not perfectly right, people will correct you ... and most people actually love to correct you.

That correction creates clarity. And clarity creates connection.

Step 2: Name Their Loss Pain ... and Truly Care About It

Next is loss pain.

Loss pain is a huge driver of motivation, even more so than potential benefits. Before making an ask, it’s important to understand what the other person is trying to avoid losing.

It’s not enough to state someone’s loss pain though.

Again, it’s vital to genuinely care about it ... and you have to communicate that care.

How?

Slow your speaking down a little. Lean in a little. Be present.

If you’re talking about lost revenue, lost traction, lost progress, or losing momentum in the quarter ... do not rush past it. Do not deliver it like a bullet point.

Let it land with weight.

Because how you deliver it is part of how you build trust.

And if you do this well, the other person will feel something important:

“This person understands AND cares what I’m carrying.”

Step 3: Let It Sit ... Then End on a Crescendo

This is where timing becomes everything.

When you take someone low emotionally, it’s memorable which is good! However, the “last impression is the lasting impression” as a mentor of mine says, so we don’t want to end a conversation there. It is okay if there’s a pause.

To read further and gain more in-depth perspective viewing my video, visit my blog at: https://www.sherylkline.com/blog/the-sequence-of-a-big-ask

I’m cheering you on always. If I can support you, your team, or your organization in any way, please reach out to me directly.

- Sheryl

http://www.sherylkline.com/blog

A business mentor of mine used to always say, “New level, new devil.”

And it’s true.

Whether you are a rising leader or a seasoned executive, there is always going to be a bigger room, a higher stakes conversation, or a moment that rocks your confidence ... even if you consider yourself to have unshakable confidence.

And if you’re thinking, “I’m not really that confident ... I’m working on it,” this is for you too.

Because high stakes moments do not just test what you know. They test how you manage your internal state while you’re communicating which in turn impacts (greatly) how you’re perceived.

Here are a couple strategies that will help you not choke when the conversation really matters.

Strategy 1: Stop Fighting Your Emotions ... They Will Always Win

The fastest way to spiral in a high stakes moment is to try to minimize your emotions.

If you try to shove them away, ignore them, or talk yourself out of them, they usually get louder and therefore more distracting.

Instead, acknowledge and validate the emotion ... without letting it drive the steering wheel.

Here’s one simple shift that is incredibly powerful:

Save “I am” statements for the positive.

A lot of people approach high stakes conversations saying things like:

• “I am nervous.”
• “I am scared.”
• “I am worried.”
• “I am concerned.”

Those “I am” statements are labels which, if said enough times, impact your belief system AND your actions. Let’s practice something different, what world-class performers and Olympians use to uplevel performance when under pressure.

Use “I notice” for the negative.

• “I notice I feel nervous going into the meeting with my CEO/manager.”
• “I notice I’m worried about presenting to the board.”
• “I notice my body is tense.”
• “I notice my mind is racing.”

This creates distance. It turns you into the observer instead of the judge.

You are now on the bank of the stream looking at the rushing water rather than jumping into the middle of it and then trying to figure out how to get across. You have NOT self labeled and have time decide what’s in your control that is most important to focus on.

Acknowledgement defuses an emotion while denial adds oxygen to the fire.

Strategy 2: Take Control of the Controllables

One of the biggest drivers of anxiety and worry is uncertainty ... and specifically, uncertainty about what you cannot control such as:

• How will this be received?
• What will they think?
• How will it land?
• Will I gain buy-in?

What you do control is what you do ... and how you choose to think.

So the second strategy is to take control of the controllables.

And there are two layers to this.

Layer 1: Control What You Can About the Other Person

If you are having a conversation with one or two people, one of the smartest things you can do is be mindful of their communication and negotiation style.

Ask yourself:

• Are they direct and curt?
• Are they analytical?
• Are they people driven and relationship driven?
• Do they want bullet points and bottom line first ... or do they want context?

This matters because a lot of leaders lose influence in high stakes moments by communicating in a style that is mismatched to the person in front of them.

Get more in-depth perspective at https://www.sherylkline.com/blog/how-to-stay-grounded-when-the-stakes-are-high

I’m cheering you on always. If I can help in any way, please do not hesitate to reach out.
- Sheryl

http://www.sherylkline.com/blog

If you consider the research, only about 7% of what we say is interpreted through our actual words.

Everything else is interpreted through our tone, our gestures, our body language, how we move, how we hold ourselves ... and even the cadence and tone of our voice.

So before I share three nonverbal cues that can quietly take away from your ability to influence, I want to start with something I know you’ve heard me say before:

Whatever you’re thinking comes out of your mouth.

In other words ... your mindset is the precursor to being able to influence successfully. Every time, it will impact how others will feel about what you have to say.

Get Your Head in the Game First

It’s very difficult for other people to be confident in us, trust us, and buy into what we’re saying when we are not confident in ourselves.

Let me give you a real example.

One of my clients, "Sue" (not her real name) is a rising female executive who is essentially creating a VP position for herself. She has been doing the role for a long time ... she just hasn’t had the title. And as you can imagine, that can create some wobble in salary and compensation conversations.

Do I negotiate like I’m new to being a VP ... or do I negotiate like the seasoned VP I already am?

The truth is: she has been doing the work for a year and believes she has the experience of a more seasoned VP. The problem: Her mindset did not match her reality. Initially, ‘Sue’ was uncertain about how her leadership viewed her experience. Would her leadership view her as a Sr. Director and therefore a new and incoming VP?

If she was uncertain, that feeling would show up and have an impact prior to her negotiation with her boss.

Instead, she shifted to: “I am a VP. I have been operating at this level. I am negotiating as a seasoned leader who will be able to have a more bold impact on the organization in this VP role..”

That clarity and confidence changes everything ... including how you show up, how you speak, and how others respond to you.

Once your mindset is ready to convey what you are asking for,, then you can fine tune the nonverbal cues that either strengthen or weaken your influence.

The Three Nonverbal Cues That Can Take Away From Your Influence

1) Closed Body Structure

A closed posture communicates uncertainty, discomfort, and a lack of safety ... even if that’s not what you intend.

Think about crossed arms. Hunched shoulders. A collapsed chest. Legs tightly crossed. A posture that says, “I’m protecting myself."

What we want instead is an open stance.

If you’re on Zoom, that means you want your shoulders open, your hands visible, and your body oriented toward the person you’re speaking to.

If you’re in person, it’s the same idea ... open stance, grounded feet, and a posture that communicates, “I belong here.”

2) Inconsistent or Avoiding Eye Contact

This one is tricky because many of us do it without realizing it. And yes ... I catch myself doing it too sometimes.

But here’s why it matters.

If you’re looking around, darting your eyes, getting distracted, or avoiding eye contact, the other person often experiences it as uncertainty. They can also experience it as a lack of honesty or commitment.

Now to be clear, we are not aiming for a stare. That’s not the goal.

What we want is steady, natural eye contact that communicates focus and presence. Nod to indicate engagement and engagement.

If you have a crucial conversation coming up, practice.

Practice with someone you trust. Practice on Zoom. Practice in a mirror if you need to.

Because you might have a habit you’ve never noticed ... and awareness is half the work.

3) Micro Signs of Self Soothing

This is t