To access extended episodes of Historical Homos, join our Patreon.
Our community awaits with legs open and lips parted 🤤

www.patreon.com/historicalhomos

*

THE ANCIENT ROMANS HAD A GOD OF BIG DICK ENERGY AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.
GIRLS AND BOYS, MEET PRIAPUS. 🍆

Remember when the internet decided Pete Davidson had a giant schlong? Well, turns out people have been fantasizing about hung humans since the Ancient Romans.

Everyone always complains that the marble statues of antiquity seem to have surprisingly small penises – was everyone micro back then? What did the size queens do?

But the truth is – the ancient world was full of dicks, big and small. There were dicks on houses, at intersections, in art, and of course, in milady's bedside table.

AND – dicks were actually sacred to the ancients!

From the phallic Herms that warded off evil to Priapus' fertility-granting member, Big Dick Energy was everywhere. Because dicks were a symbol of agricultural power, magical protection, and prosperity.

2,000 years ago, Cock was King.

But it wasn’t all rainbows and dildos. In Greece, big dicks were a joke, a sign of an oversexed – and therefore unrestrained – man. Meanwhile, the Romans took things in a more violent direction (surprise). Which is why they turned the Hung Horny Goat Weed, Priapus, son of Dionysus and Aphrodite, into a toxic masculinity fantasy of sexual violence.

This fantasy of priapic domination was unique to the Romans in the ancient world – the Greeks preferred to model self-restraint and wisdom, which of course is the unique jurisdiction of the average-size penis.

But really…let’s be honest.
If a 10-foot marble Hercules walked in with his tiny little “11th toe”?

You’d be so fucking down.

🎧 Listen now on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Apple Podcasts⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, or wherever you pod. Giant garden gnome dildo sold separately.
📱 Follow @historical.homos on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and sign up to our newsletter at www.historicalhomos.com if you care about gay people, like, at all.
⭐ FIVE STAR ONLY ⭐ reviews are welcome, encouraged, and financially rewarded. (Kidding.) (Maybe.)

Episode Credits
Written and hosted by Bash.
Edited by Alex Toskas.
Produced by Dani Henion.

To access the extended version of this episode, join our Patreon.
Our community awaits with legs open and lips parted 🤤

www.patreon.com/historicalhomos

When history says "they were just friends," what do we say back?

We say: SHUT UP IDIOT HAVE YOU READ THEIR GAY LITTLE DIARIES?

Ahem. Sorry. I get so passionate.

This week's episode is about two women who lived in a castle together, wrote each other poetry, decorated each other's rooms, said they openly loved and were obsessed with one another in diaries and funerary monuments, and, after refusing to marry or have children, spent all their money (which was a lot) on trips to Europe together.

Historians call them "romantic friends." A phrase that I find...hilarious. (Is a "romantic friend" my friend I want to...fuck? And what, sort of, does that mean?)

It's only by diving into the long, storied past of Highland lesbianism that we're going to find out. If anyone holds the secrets to romantic friendship it's Elyza Fraser and Mary Bristow.

So break out the single malts and your snazziest kilt/sporan combo, because the Scottish lesbian water is a pipingly warm human temperature, and it's time to dive in.

🎧 Listen now on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Apple Podcasts⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, or wherever you pod. Solid 18-ct gold sporan sold separately.
📱 Follow Historical Homos on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and sign up to our newsletter if you care about gay people, like, at all.
⭐ FIVE STAR ONLY ⭐ reviews are welcome, encouraged, and financially rewarded. (Kidding.) (Maybe.)

Episode Credits
Written and hosted by Bash.
Edited by Alex Toskas.
Produced by Dani Henion.
Guest host: Indigo Dunphy-Smith

To access the extended version of this episode, join our Patreon.
Our community awaits with legs open and lips parted 🤤

www.patreon.com/historicalhomos

Disney sells itself as a guardian of childhood innocence and cis-het happy endings. (That's not – I didn't mean – you know what I mean.)

So why did so many gay kids grow up flicking their hair back like Ariel in the hotel pool? Or mincing like Scar and shimmying with Ursula's cleavage? Above all, why did every queer child since 1998 stare in the mirror and demand to know: who is that girl, staring "straight," back at me?

We're joined this week by Professor Sean Griffin, who helps Bash unpack over a century of Disney’s weirdly romanticizing, heteronormalizing fairy tales – which we homosexuals have always insisted on making much, much gayer.

We begin with the hornier Mickey Mouse no one ever knew – the 1920s were crazy man! – and then stop over for some surprising episodes in Walt's homophobic 1940s and 1950s regime. Before finally, we go the distance – all the way to the Broadway Renaissance that made Disney fabulous again.

It could have just been an episode about which female villains we'd like to dress up as, but ultimately we are very serious historians. So enjoy the full scoop, my little Hormones.

🎧 Listen now on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Apple Podcasts⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Spotify⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, or wherever you pod. $2000 mermaid tail sold separately.
📱 Follow Historical Homos on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and sign up to our newsletter if you care about gay people, like, at all.
⭐ FIVE STAR ONLY ⭐ reviews are welcome, encouraged, and financially rewarded. (Kidding.) (Maybe.)

Episode Credits
Written and hosted by Bash.
Edited by Alex Toskas.
Produced by Dani Henion.
Guest host: Sean Griffin