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Bill the Vampire

Series: The Tome of Bill, Book 1
Length: 7 hrs and 40 mins
4 out of 5 stars (1,216 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.

©2011, 2012 Rick Gualtieri (P)2012 Rick Gualtieri

What members say

Average Customer Ratings

Overall

  • 4 out of 5 stars
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    618
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    377
  • 3 Stars
    142
  • 2 Stars
    49
  • 1 Stars
    30

Performance

  • 4.5 out of 5 stars
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    603
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    311
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    139
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    33
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    24

Story

  • 4 out of 5 stars
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    149
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    36
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  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars

Pretty funny, very enjoyable

I enjoyed this book a lot. There were a few moments in the beginning before Bill is turned that made me wonder if I was going to be able to stand the guy. A bit over the top with his silliness and horniness. But, that cleared up as the story continued. Definitely worthy of a credit. I went on to listen to the second book, and it was really good too.

9 of 9 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Jennifer
  • Ewing, NJ, United States
  • 03-16-13

Surprisingly good

Good self-deprecating, only moderately geeky main character was easy to like. Every time he did something ... or didn't do something , that could have lead to a hole in the plot, there was an "Oh yeah.." moment that brought things back to a logical conclusion. I'm also reading the Besty Vampire queen series, and they are similar in comic flavor.
I say it's surprisingly good, because I only bought it for the low price tag.

10 of 11 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    2 out of 5 stars

terrible protagonist

the whole book I wanted the bad guy to stake the good guy. narration was ok.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Maddie
  • EAST HAVEN, CT, US
  • 05-14-17

didn't even make it half way through

gross misogyny, homophobia, and ableist slurs abound. completely unnecessary and makes me want to punch the author in the face. The narrator's voice is so obnoxious. so mad I wasted my money on this book.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Eugenia
  • Chatsworth, CA, US
  • 04-18-16

Totally Fun Snarky Humor

Totally fun snarky humor done with an excellent narrator. Fun characters like Bill's roommates and sexy vampires that Bill, aka Dr. Death, loves to ogle.
This is silly, trashy fun and I really enjoyed it as a guilty pleasure.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars

imagine howard stern as a vampire

Any additional comments?


bill was lured to a party by a hot chick only to be fed upon. when he wakes up as a vampire, he learns that he and the other geek vampires are going to be killed as a joke. somehow, bill is able to resist night razor's, the coven leader, compulsion and embarrasses him in front of everyone. before he can kill bill, the regional coven leader, ozymandias, overrules night razor and puts bill under a temporary protection order.

sally, the girl that lured bill to the party, is ordered to show bill the ropes and teach him the coven's ways. night razor and the rest of the coven try to find loophole's in the temporary protective order and try to kill bill.

under ozymandias' and sally's tutelage, they convince bill that he needs to live up to the bad a$$ reputation he created when he stood up to night razor on the night of his birth. so starts bill's like as a vampire. things get a little more complicated when ozymandias is sent away on a mission and bill realizes sally is more of a "frenemy" than he suspected.

there are a lot of funny scenes: bill's 1st feeding, bill trying to convince one of his friends he's really a vampire, the way sally treats bill when they're away from other vampires, optimus prime as a weapon...

narration is great. the narrator is the perfect fit for bill and sally.

overall, a very fun ride. it's short and sweet.

21 of 27 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars
  • G. Martin
  • Southern California, USA
  • 11-06-18

I hate to say this, but not worth the time...

unless you have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy, you will not enjoy this and maybe even if you were then you still may not. I hate posting a negative review of someone else's creative work, but if you're spending time and money to buy and listen to a book it should be entertaining and worthwhile. IHO, the story was predictable and performance sounded like the corny comedy, one liners delivered on a cheesy network tv sitcom. I even would guess what the next line of dialogue was going to be a ton of times and was right about 100% of the time. Sorry, but I'm trying to save someone a headache and disappointment.

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars

Great narration, so so story

I really wanted to like this book. It had everything going for it. It actually did have flashes of amazing storytelling but at the end of the day the incessant juvenile stereotypes, casual misogyny and constant "omg did you suck his dick hurr, hurr?" ruined it for me.
I'm sure this will appeal to a lot of people but it's not one I'll return to or recommend.

14 of 18 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Ben
  • United States
  • 09-14-15

Fun! Push through the beginning

In the beginning I was very unsure and for a few minutes thought I might return the book based on how sexist the main character came off as. Glad I stuck with it though, as the book kept me grinning and laughing throughout. Narrator was good and fun, my only complaint with him was that there were a few words he pronounced incorrectly. The two that stood out to me due to repetition were "bared fangs" being pronounced "barred" and "voila" pronounced as the name Viola. Otherwise, the book cracked me up and I'll be continuing the series.

5 of 6 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

♡ B I L L the V A M P I R E ♡

Was very hesitant to purchase this audiobook. I've been an almost daily audible listener for 2 years; for 3 years before that I would listen 4x a week minimum. All together I've been a very happy audible member for 5 years. When I buy a new audiobook it has to be in a series, and is usually compared to my favs. Basically it kills me when, after completing a really great book, I go to the audible shop & find that nothing comes after it, EVER.

When your favs are THE DRESDEN FILES, HOLLOWS SERIES, IRON DRUID CHRONICLES, MONSTER HUNTER INTERNATIONAL, THE GRIMNOIR TRILOGY, and many many more similarly amazing book series... it can be tough to find others that can meet, or even come close to touching, the high standards you've (unknowingly) set.

Bill the Vampire pleasantly surprised me! When I realized there was about 33 minutes left, immediately I went to the shop, bought book 2, and downloaded it; had to be prepared to start it right after hearing "we hope you have enjoyed this program". Give it a try; hopefully you'll find that it's funny, witty, interesting, kind of quirky, no touchy feely romance or love triangles, with a few new vampire ideas , and best of all it's about "real" vampires (that burst into flames where sunlight touches, not start to shimmer & sparkle like they fell into the glitter supply closet at an all girls tween summer camp... Hoping my lame joke shows I have no intention of offense whatsoever toward the Twilight Saga author, millions love it,
& though not my kind of thing, I respect the work).

TRY IT!

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • jake
  • 04-29-13

Really good

I loved this book and I need more!!! This is one of the best vamp books I've ever read simply amzing

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars
  • D. Deeks
  • 03-22-17

good start

I rather enjoyed this book. It was funny, silly, packed with pop culture references and was generally well put together. will be starting the next one momentarily.

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
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    4 out of 5 stars
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    4 out of 5 stars
  • mrs.d.skates
  • 01-30-15

Easy reading light Vamp series

If you could sum up Bill the Vampire in three words, what would they be?

Greek becomes Vampire

What other book might you compare Bill the Vampire to, and why?

Light reading Vampire, funny, not too blood thirsty or x rated. good characters, you can listen to this while driving in the dark and not be worried what's out side.

Which scene did you most enjoy?

I enjoyed the character discovering what he can do.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

no, this is a put down and pick up, easy to get back into book.

Any additional comments?

Will buy book two, need to know what happens to Bill, and if he ever learns to fight.

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  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Patricia
  • 07-27-15

Great narrator

Fun pastime, with laugh out loud parts. Fantastic narrator which probably made the book a lot better than it is. Looking forward to the next one.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful