Bill the Vampire

Series: The Tome of Bill, Book 1
Length: 7 hrs and 40 mins
4.2 out of 5 stars (1,274 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.

©2011, 2012 Rick Gualtieri (P)2012 Rick Gualtieri

What listeners say about Bill the Vampire

Average Customer Ratings
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  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
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    3 out of 5 stars
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    1 out of 5 stars

Just painful

I really tried to talk myself into liking this one, but couldn't get past the high-school grade prose, cliched dialog and misogynistic, unlikeable main character. I don't need escapist fiction to read like high literature, but to overcome the amateurish writing here I at least needed to have some connection to the character. He's supposed to be a lovable nerd type, but his unapologetic sexism and constant verbal and physical lashing out at the female protagonist makes the whole thing read like the author's sexually frustrated revenge fantasy against all the pretty girls who would never talk to him. Because she's a vampire, we're supposed to be okay with his constantly calling her a bitch and describing how he wants to bounce her head off a wall (despite how good her cleavage looks). She gives as good as she gets, but that doesn't alter the fact that the creepiest thing about this story has nothing to do with the undead. Humor might have saved the book, but the jokes mostly fall flat, and the dialog is so trite that in places it feels like a slightly profane episode of Scooby Doo. I'd hoped this would be the fun, light read other reviews seemed to promise it would be, but as one of the characters in this novel might say, "Curses! Foiled again!"

6 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

Surprisingly good

Good self-deprecating, only moderately geeky main character was easy to like. Every time he did something ... or didn't do something , that could have lead to a hole in the plot, there was an "Oh yeah.." moment that brought things back to a logical conclusion. I'm also reading the Besty Vampire queen series, and they are similar in comic flavor.
I say it's surprisingly good, because I only bought it for the low price tag.

10 people found this helpful

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    4 out of 5 stars
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Totally Fun Snarky Humor

Totally fun snarky humor done with an excellent narrator. Fun characters like Bill's roommates and sexy vampires that Bill, aka Dr. Death, loves to ogle.
This is silly, trashy fun and I really enjoyed it as a guilty pleasure.

4 people found this helpful

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Pretty funny, very enjoyable

I enjoyed this book a lot. There were a few moments in the beginning before Bill is turned that made me wonder if I was going to be able to stand the guy. A bit over the top with his silliness and horniness. But, that cleared up as the story continued. Definitely worthy of a credit. I went on to listen to the second book, and it was really good too.

9 people found this helpful

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    2 out of 5 stars
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terrible protagonist

the whole book I wanted the bad guy to stake the good guy. narration was ok.

8 people found this helpful

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Fun! Push through the beginning

In the beginning I was very unsure and for a few minutes thought I might return the book based on how sexist the main character came off as. Glad I stuck with it though, as the book kept me grinning and laughing throughout. Narrator was good and fun, my only complaint with him was that there were a few words he pronounced incorrectly. The two that stood out to me due to repetition were "bared fangs" being pronounced "barred" and "voila" pronounced as the name Viola. Otherwise, the book cracked me up and I'll be continuing the series.

7 people found this helpful

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Great narration, so so story

I really wanted to like this book. It had everything going for it. It actually did have flashes of amazing storytelling but at the end of the day the incessant juvenile stereotypes, casual misogyny and constant "omg did you suck his dick hurr, hurr?" ruined it for me.
I'm sure this will appeal to a lot of people but it's not one I'll return to or recommend.

15 people found this helpful

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Great fun

This was a surprise gem in the urban horror/comedy. The narrator was perfect as our titular hero & I laughed out loud listening to this in my car. It was a little slow to start, but I ended up enjoying it immensely.

2 people found this helpful

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I kept hoping for improvement...

I read the reviews. To listen or not? I was really in a mood for something light hearted, so I went with it. Plus, I can normally stand my fair share of gross and tasteless. A few chapters in, I looked up who read the series - so I could make sure to never, ever again be tortured by him overemphasizing everything. After listening to the book I worry if I've begun to speak in such a dramatic fashion.
That was a minor annoyance I tried my hardest to tune out. The main character, however, makes your average gamer dork a real charmer compared to Bill. He truly thinks of all others as either a crass term for a female dog or some variation on an idiot. To top this off, he keeps referring to the one female that actually continues to speak to him as said crass term. Over and over again. It seemed like thousands of times. He even managed to call her that in the very last passage. He has only survived through this book by dumb luck and some vampiric powers that, of course, no one else has. I'm mildly interested in picking up the next book - for free, only - just to see if he finally becomes a less loathsome toad.

2 people found this helpful

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    3 out of 5 stars
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it was funny, but---

The book was funny, but the constant asides when the main character should be fighting or fleeing or just DOING something were really annoying and made the action hard to follow. I would not reccomend this book.

2 people found this helpful

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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  • jake
  • 04-29-13

Really good

I loved this book and I need more!!! This is one of the best vamp books I've ever read simply amzing

1 person found this helpful

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  • D. Deeks
  • 03-22-17

good start

I rather enjoyed this book. It was funny, silly, packed with pop culture references and was generally well put together. will be starting the next one momentarily.

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  • mrs.d.skates
  • 01-30-15

Easy reading light Vamp series

If you could sum up Bill the Vampire in three words, what would they be?

Greek becomes Vampire

What other book might you compare Bill the Vampire to, and why?

Light reading Vampire, funny, not too blood thirsty or x rated. good characters, you can listen to this while driving in the dark and not be worried what's out side.

Which scene did you most enjoy?

I enjoyed the character discovering what he can do.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

no, this is a put down and pick up, easy to get back into book.

Any additional comments?

Will buy book two, need to know what happens to Bill, and if he ever learns to fight.

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  • Patricia
  • 07-27-15

Great narrator

Fun pastime, with laugh out loud parts. Fantastic narrator which probably made the book a lot better than it is. Looking forward to the next one.

1 person found this helpful