Offers I Couldn't Refuse: Part 2

Offers I Couldn't Refuse: Part 2 My Wife’s Mob Kin Folk. Offers I Couldn't Refuse: Part 1. Ditzy Donna and Ralphie's first Christmas. Based on a post by Kirk 48 2002, in 2 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Connected. There was a crash in the living room and Paulie Toucan's head popped in the semi open door. "Hey you love birds, where you want the tree?" Three more heads looked around the door. Donna and I scrambled for our clothes. "Don't get dressed on my account," said the pickpocket. "Don't you believe in knocking? What broke out there?" I asked, shielding Donna from their gaze as she got decent. "Did something break?" asked the stupid looking one. "I heard something smash," I replied, pushing my way out to the living room. There was the tree, or part of the tree sitting in the room on top of my glass top coffee table that now was in a thousand pieces. The top part of the tree was still out the door in the hallway and out the common entry door. "I thought you said you were going to cut it," I said furiously. "We are. We needed to measure first. Okay boys, start measuring," Toucan said. "Why didn't you leave it outside until it was cut?" asked Donna, now fully dressed. "We're not gonna cut it outside and wake everybody up. That wouldn't be nice," said the one that looked smarter than he probably was. "Look what you did to my table!" I shouted. "Shush. you'll wake the neighbors," said Stupid. "We need to cut it right here," said the pickpocket, putting the measuring tape away. Toucan dug a circular saw out from under three and plugged it in. I didn't think it would be any louder than a vacuum cleaner, but I didn't count on it being one from hell. "What's this thing made of, it won't cut," shouted Paulie. He tried again and smoke started wafting up from the tree trunk, but as far as cutting it, not a scratch. "That's a new blade, I just put it on before we came over," screamed the smart looking one over the din. I noticed that we were getting an audience at the doorway. I looked outside and could see more and more lights going on the other buildings as the saw wailed on. Sure enough, one of our township's finest was suddenly standing in my place with his arms crossed. That's usually not a good sign. Paulie noticed the man in dark blue and said, "Hi Tony. You want to take a look at this thing. I can't get it to cut." "Shit, somebody called the cops," I complained. "Nobody called this in, I heard it, driving by." He turned his attention to Paulie. "Why are you doing this at three o'clock in the morning?" "This was supposed to be a one and done deal, as a favor to the little lady," he replied, pointing to Donna. "But it won't cut." He kicked the tree. "Let me see the thing," said Tony. "Pull the plug and get me a screwdriver. Who put the blade on this thing?" "I did," said the smart-looking one, all proud of himself. "You're an idiot," stated the cop, as if it were as plain as the nose on Toucan's face. See, I called that one. "You put it on backwards." Tony made the switch and said, "Plug it in and try that." Paulie tried again, and the saw cut through the tree like a hot knife through butter. "Hey, thanks Tony," said Toucan. "You done making noise now?" Tony asked. "Yep, all done," I said, wishing everyone would go away. Tony left, and eventually so did the crowd. Between the six of us, we managed to get the tree up, transfer the decorations, the lights, and clean up the shattered coffee table. Paulie asked the boys to wait for him outside and turned his attention back to us. "Sorry about the screw up, tonight. As far as the table goes, I'll find you another," he said to me. "Now young lady, is there anything else I can do for you, this morning?" "I was wondering. Do you have any idea where my dad is? I haven't heard from him since my mom and him split up. She says she doesn't have a clue where he is," she said, sounding depressed. "She doesn't? Huh," he replied, rubbing his chin. "I'll put out some feelers, and see what I can find out." "Thanks for even trying," said Donna, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "No problem. My pleasure," he said. Then he turned to me. "Try not to be such a douche bag," he said and left. I was tired; but before I headed to the bedroom, I looked at the tree. "It really turned out nice." "I knew it would," Donna said, stifling a yawn. "I'm going to bed." Attic Treasures and Tales. "Junior!" Pop shouted, breaking Ralphie's concentration. "Did you find the box of ornaments?" "Yeah Pop, here." he said handing the box down the ladder. "Your Mother will be relieved that you found it. What are you doing up here?" Ralph Senior asked. "You told me to go through all the boxes before we donate them. I found some of my old grade school stuff, and was looking it over, that's all." "Are these the boxes that are going to the Goodwill?" he asked, looking up through the hatchway. "Yeah, here you go," Junior said, passing them along to his dad. Settling back under the light, he continued to ...