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Publisher's Summary

Is there a science to love? In this groundbreaking audiobook, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory - the most advanced relationship science in existence today - can help us find and sustain love.

Attachment theory forms the basis for many best-selling books on the parent/child relationship, but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships - until now. Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become. Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or more individuals is embedded in our genes.

In Attached, Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today. According to attachment theory, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: "anxious" people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. "Avoidant" people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. "Secure" people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides listeners in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mates) follow. It also offers a wealth of advice on how to navigate relationships more wisely, given a listener's attachment style and that of his or her partner. An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections.

©2010 Amir Levine, M.D., Rachel Heller, M.A. (P)2010 Gildan Media Corp

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Do not buy the audible version.

Any additional comments?

This book contains a gazillion quizzes and not
one is included as a PDF. The publisher should be ashamed. Do not waste money on the audible version. Purchase the book. The publisher should make the quizzes available to those who already purchased the audible version.

472 of 478 people found this review helpful

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    4 out of 5 stars
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Need the hardcopy

This is a book with tests and handouts that need to be written in order to use it effectively.

333 of 340 people found this review helpful

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I was constantly frustrated by family! No longer.

This a very simple book to understand. It is geared towards romantic relationships. The knowledge was easily transferred to understand all my relationships.Most important to me was learning that there are three attachment models. The secure attachment group (50% of people) get along well with the other two groups. Anxious attachment group (25% of people) and Avoidance group (25% of people). The anxious and avoidance group appear to gravitate towards each other. For reasons that are explained in book This usually equals misery for both groups. The anxious group crave intimacy especially when feeling insecure. the avoidance group crave distance and will use deactivating tactics to achieve it. There polar opposite needs in relationships can be utterly frustrating. It is so easy to see the differences now that I have listened to the book!! It almost feels like common sense. Having this new knowledge is allowing me to just walk away from needless frustration. Thank you Amir Levine and Rachel S F Hellar for making this book.

106 of 110 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Love this book

This may be the best audio book I've ever listened to out of hundreds purchased. I've listened to it twice now this week alone. It is scientifically sound and makes reference to studies on nearly every point they make.

One of the great things in this book is that it shows how our current cultures infatuation with the ideal of "independence" is nonsense. We are social animals and depend on our close group of friends, family and of our lover. I've been wondering why I couldn't live up to all the other self help books, "He's Just Not Into You" type.

One of the great concepts I got from this work is how early 20th century notions of child rearing, "let the baby cry and gain independence", still permeate our culture. This book explains that is it perfectly acceptable and reasonable to be dependent on your significant other.

Many tools are given to improving your relationships. Effective communication, assessing your own needs, etc. I can't recommend this work highly enough.

103 of 107 people found this review helpful

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Anyone who wants a relationship needs to read this

This book is a life changer. It basically unifies and makes coherent the seemingly random cluster of symptoms that beset a lot of relationships, much to the bewilderment of the participants.

If you want to know why your relationship / your past relationship / other people's relationships are not working, you need to read this book.

Reading this book can be an eerie experience, as you realise that seemingly insignificant or befuddling and previously inexplicable behaviours of yourself or your partner described with unnerving precision, and realise that these behaviours are explained by a coherent theory that offers both an explanation and an indication of what you can do to change your relationship and your life.

Unlike Myers-Briggs personality typing, which seems to ratify every relationship conflict as sourced in differences between divergent by equally 'valid' personality types, this book clearly identifies clusters of behaviours that are conducive to, or conversely anathema to, a successful relationship.

This book will help you identify what you might need to change about yourself, what you might need to convince your partner to try to change about themselves, and people who you need to avoid like the plague. And if your relationship works, it will give you some insight into what you're doing right.

I've already recommended this book or bought it for about 5 people. Read it.

56 of 58 people found this review helpful

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Systematization of learning between 25 and 50

On the one hand this is a systematization of what you should know at 50, but probably didn’t know at 25. That said it’s an excellent book for three reasons: 1) If you look around at 50 year olds, surprisingly many of them didn’t learn all that they should have about relationships. 2) The book connects it’s insights to mainstream structures in psychology, specifically the work on attachment theory started by John Bowlby. 3) In this case the systematization seems especially valuable, creating a framework for everyday life that helps sort through much of the relationship drivel flowing from popular culture.

The book argues that attachment is at the core of adult relationships, and that different adults have distinct attachment styles. It further suggests that the analogy between adult attachment styles and the parent/child attachment style is powerful. The book summarizes these two observations by proposing three main styles: 1) avoidant (or perhaps independent), 2) secure (or perhaps altruistic), and 3) worried (or perhaps needy). Compatibility of styles leads to healthy adult attachments.

The book also suggests a hierarchy of adult compatibility: 0) passion (compatibility at this level tend to be a symptom of deeper things, mattering only in the extreme, e.g., sexual orientation), 1) logistics (compatibility at this level matters, but can typically be negotiated), 2) values (compatibility at this level is pretty core and incompatibilities here are dangerous), 3) intimacy (incompatibilities at this level probably have to be resolved for the relationship to survive).

I thought about picking this as my book of the year for 2012. I wonder if I’ll regret not doing so. Give a copy to a 25 year old; I did. It might shorten their learning process by 20 years.

58 of 62 people found this review helpful

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Profound Insight to Relationship Roller Coasters

Of dozens and dozens of self help, relationship and social psychology books and articles, adult attachment theory presents a very clear and recognizable picture of self and significant others.

This book could be "tough" to listen to, but necessary to grow, learn, and face the challenges of need, want, intimacy and love.

I listened to Sex at Dawn before this...and it actually was a good background for understanding human need and our species evolution .... We are hard wired for interdependence.

30 of 33 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
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A breath of fresh air

This is the best books on relationships I have ever read. It's not someone's opinion or take on life, it's based on extensive scientific research that gives great validity to the theory. Whenever I read a book that's basically someone's opinion, like "He's not that into you", that's fine and interesting, but really, who's he to say. What makes him an expert? The people that wrote this have empirical data to support their claims and it FITS. It helps me explain my relationship with my ex and why it didn't work, and how, as an anxious type I confuse drama with love. It also explains why I was getting so physically sick during my relationship with my ex, because our significant others, really do effect us physically on a cell level if we are not getting what we need in the relationship. If you are trying to understand relationships with significant others, dating or getting over a breakup - get this book. If you're dating, it'll help explain when to run and when to give another chance. Best credit you'll ever spend.

44 of 49 people found this review helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Incredible insight

This book determines the root causes of issues in relationships and provides constructive suggestions for improving one's approach to romantic relationships. I find this book to be one of the most influential books I've ever read on this subject.

12 of 13 people found this review helpful

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Looking for an excuse to get divorced - read this

I tought the book was pretty good. However, I could see this book causing many people to believe they have irreconsilable differences and should divorce their spouse. There are tips for getting over some of the bad attachment matches, but it seems really focused on avoiding those match ups.

He also really favors the insecure attachment style. IE - if your spouse is insecure - it is up to you to make them secure. This is oversimplified thinking and puts a ton of pressure on the other person.

17 of 19 people found this review helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 04-08-13

Online Dating? READ THIS BOOK FIRST!

I read this book a few weeks into online dating on the best known online dating web site - which heavily advertises on TV. I had a spectacular number of unsuccessful dates and started to doubt myself. It was starting to really affect my confidence and my own attachment style was becoming more insecure. After I read this book I gained considerable insight into my dates Adult attachment styles which meant they weren't right for me anyway. When I finally met a partner I was mad about, I could explain to her how our different styles could compliment each other and develop interactions that would strengthen our relationship. I also found myself giving people some very sound advice based entirely on this book and my own observations. Thus book examines the considerable research into Adult attachment and also gives some very sound advice and strategies to strengthen relationships and avoid the relationships that would be wrong for you. I heartily recommend it as one of the best self help/psychology I have read in the last 18 months.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

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  • H W Haak
  • 06-19-18

Great production, questionnaires missing

The book productions is great, audio quality, narration, and the pacing, clarity and pronunciation is is excellent.

However, this is a book where you will need to fill out multiple questionnaires, and although considerable thought has gone in to translating these questionnaires (which would be presented as a simple multi-row set of questions) into a narrated audio format, the book needs to be accompanied by a downloadable set of questionnaires.
If you need more time to answer a question, or listen to the instructions again on how the questionnaires work as an audio version, you'll find yourself pausing and rewinding a lot. In addition, if you wanted to repeat the questionnaires later or compare yourself with a partner, etc, you have no way of knowing which answer belongs to which questions, because you'll only note down your score. This is a serious drawback of the audioversion, and I would recommend to buy the book in print as an accompaniment or solely as a print/ebook for this reason.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

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  • Nita
  • 07-12-13

Eye opening

This book has been more useful in illuminating my relationship patterns and why I've kept repeating them than any other I've listened to. This information has helped me to let go of feelings of unworthiness and given me actual tools to work with - I'd say not just in romantic but all of my relationships. Highly recommended if you have what the authors call an anxious attachment style (and my guess is that many people who seek this kind of information do).

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
  • Marie
  • 02-20-13

Relatonships

This is a must for everyone in a relationship or about to enter a relationship. We should be thinking about the issues raised, when choosing a partner. The contents of this book are based on sound Attachment Theory and research. Everyone will recognise themselves and significant others. I'm a counsellor and it has been very helpful in understanding relationship difficulties. Excellent

P.S. Why are there so few reviews on Audible. Amazon has loads of reviews of books and I find it very helpful

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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  • MRS
  • 03-13-12

Everyone should read this!!!

What is explained in this book, awareness of our attachment styles and our emotional needs - and that we are RIGHT to have them -, is so fundamental that it should be taught at school to teenagers! It should be made into a TV series so that everyone can be aware of and make use of this knowledge every day!

Amazing!!! AND scientifically based: How come it's not out there everywhere for everyone to learn about???

2 of 2 people found this review helpful

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  • Viktoria
  • 12-09-15

Life changing! Loved every chapter

The book is an absolutely eye opener! Very rare find and I am certainly going to go back and listen to it again times and times over. Recommended!

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Karthicraja Gopalakrishnan
  • 11-09-18

Must read book

its an enlightening content on relationship behaviour and i thoroughly enjoyed listening. i am not entirely convinced about the grouping of personalities however most of the content are agreeable and very informative.

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Anonymous User
  • 11-03-18

Excellent

This book gave a whole new understanding to me about myself and how I am in relationships. It made so much sense. I just wish I had read it 10 years ago.

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  • Emma
  • 10-29-18

Fabulous Read!

This book provided an incredible shift in the way I viewed relationships and attachment. It’s a realisation I know will forever enhance and better my future relationships.

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  • Kindle Customer
  • 10-03-18

Great!

loved it what a fantastic book to read. very interesting about the attachment styles within relationships

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  • Cabrica
  • 04-22-17

Recommend

My favourite topic! I've been looking for and wanting to recommend a book like this for years. I'm so glad I found it! If everyone understood what's in this book the whole dating game would be completely different. This needs to replace men are from mars woman are from Venus as the lead 'understanding each other' relationship book. It's well written, edited and formatted.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 05-17-18

great book, particularly for anxious attachment

great book, particularly for anxious attachment styles. good for secures to understand insecures. but could do more to help understand avoidants

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Charlotte
  • 05-10-18

Shockingly true - could not stop listening

I can’t believe how spot on this audiobook was. I have spent a number of years in therapy regarding my tendency to get into destructive relationships with people who are unavailable, experiencing the constant “push and pull”. I’m surprised that throughout these years and through my interest in psychology and human behaviour I had never come across attachment theory.

This book distills the concept and provides numerous real life examples of each style. It has been incredibly helpful for me to recognise my own style and behaviours (anxious), as well as red flags early on for those with an avoidant style, who are not a good fit for me.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is either single, dating or in a long term relationship to help improve connection, communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as for choosing a compatible and supportive partner. Happy listening !

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 07-25-17

Will save you a lot of time & heartache

I've read countless relationship and dating books from Dr Phil, to Gottman, Chapman, Hendrix, to John Gray, Sherry Argov and everything in between. This book is THE best one in my opinion. No mind games or tricks, no blaming anyone for how they are (people are just different) and how to find the right kind of partner. There are helpful tips if you're stuck with someone you're not suited to.

I wish I had read this book years ago, it would've saved me time and a lot of heartache. Now I see a lot of my friends' relationships in a new perspective.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • michelle cowell
  • 07-23-17

best book I've read about attachment theory

it helped me to realise my and my partners attachment style and prompted me to make changes to the way i communicate so he doesn't get so defensive and withdraw or see me as too needy and clinging. what a powerful insight. Thank you for bringing our differences to light and for giving me strategies to make communication better between us.

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 11-15-18

Awesome Read!!! Very Insightful!

Loved it! I found the words very easy to understand and follow. a must read!

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  • Madi H
  • 10-14-18

The greatest book on earth!

I'm so glad I started this audio book!! It has honestly changed how I see the world. Insightful, to-the-point and honest. This book has given me the answers to my long-asked questions. I cannot thank the authors and contributes enough for this incredibly insightful piece of work. I recommend anyone and everyone to take the time to listen

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  • Lothar
  • 09-11-18

Essential information for all

Great information, though I did not enjoy the voice of the speaker and also felt he had some bias towards one of the attachment types.

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  • Anonymous User
  • 08-30-18

Eye-opening

Great insight on the folly of insisting on a relationship when one person has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style.

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  • Britt
  • 08-20-18

Good, worthwhile book but pretty confronting

The book is pretty eye opening but also pretty confronting if you're not of the 'secure' attachment style group. Rather than helping make it seem achievable, the book has made it seem far less likely that successful relationships are available for all of us. Maybe avoid the book of you find that you're both anxious about relationships and avoidant of them once you're in them. There really isn't much hope for us and it would probably be easier in life not to know this.