Your Body Remembers Every Argument That Never Got Resolved

I watched a client break down in tears yesterday during our session. She's a successful executive, runs a team of 40 people, has multiple degrees... and still freezes like a deer in headlights when her partner raises his voice even slightly."I know it's ridiculous," she told me. "I'm not afraid of him. He's never hurt me. But my body just... shuts down. I either go completely silent or say things I regret later."If this sounds familiar to you– know there's a reason for this, and it has nothing to do with how "strong" or "evolved" you are.Your Nervous System Never Graduated ChildhoodWhen you get triggered in conflict, your body doesn't know it's 2025.Your nervous system is still operating on programming it received decades ago.Think of those moments as a kid when there was tension or conflict at home. What happened next matters more than most people realize:Did someone help you return to calm after the storm? Or were you left to figure it out yourself?For most of us—especially high-achievers who pride ourselves on handling everything independently—we never learned how to move from that heightened state of activation (fight-or-flight) back to safety.Instead, we got stuck in one of two trauma responses:Hypervigilance: Always on edge, quick to react, body constantly scanning for dangerShutdown: Freezing, people-pleasing, disconnecting from your emotionsBoth have the same root: Your nervous system never learned the most critical emotional skill of all—how to repair after rupture.The Truth About Why Conflict can be terrifyingI meet so many accomplished people who:Can navigate corporate boardrooms effortlessly but fall apart during arguments with loved onesExcel at crisis management at work but avoid even minor disagreements at homeCan solve complex problems for clients but freeze when their partner seems upset.If you can relate to this, know thatIt's not your fault. Seriously.If you were raised in an environment where conflict either: Escalated without resolution, orWas completely avoided and suppressed......then your nervous system was trained to view conflict as an existential threat rather than a normal part of human connection.Think about it. As children, we're completely dependent on our caregivers for survival. When conflict erupted, if nobody helped you return to safety afterward, your developing brain coded a powerful message: Conflict = Danger = Possible Abandonment = Death.I’m not talking theory here. It's neurobiology—specifically polyvagal theory, which explains how our nervous systems respond to perceived threats.The "Other" Childhood Trauma Nobody Talks AboutThere's something else I've noticed in my work with high-achievers: sometimes the problem isn't obvious conflict or abuse.Some were never allowed to experience conflict at all.They were coddled, protected, put on a pedestal. Their parents rushed to fix every problem, shield them from every difficulty, smooth over every rough edge.This type of childhood leaves just as deep a mark on the nervous system. I call it "the golden cage."Because when you're infantilized like this, you never develop the emotional muscles needed to: Handle disappointment (called “frustration tolerance”)Navigate disagreement (called “capacity for difference”)Self-regulate during stressTrust your own capacity to weather emotional storms.These all the hallmarks of being a mature and secure human being. So you could still be a surgeon– but you enter adulthood expecting your partner to regulate your emotions for you, because you never had the chance to learn how.Again—not your fault. But definitely your responsibility to address now.The Missing Piece: Co-Regulation Before Self-RegulationOne of the most healing moments in my own journey was realizing something so simple yet profound: Children don't learn to self-regulate first. They are supposed to learn to co-regulate with a trusted adult.This is why I told my client yesterday something that stopped her in her tracks:"The reason you can't self-soothe during conflict isn't because you're broken or weak. It's because you never had the foundational experience of being soothed by someone else during conflict."She just stared at me. Twenty years of therapy talking about her pain, and no one had ever said this to her.The truth is, your nervous system is designed to learn regulation through relationship. Not books. Not meditation apps. Not self-help courses.Not even through chatGPT.Through actual, messy, in-the-moment repair with another human being.Becoming Trigger-Proof: The Path Forward I have a four-year-old son. Sometimes I raise my voice when I'm frustrated (I'm human). When this happens, he immediately goes into fight-or-flight—his little nervous system detecting potential danger.The critical moment isn't the rupture. It's what happens next.I get down at his level. I make eye contact. I regulate my own breathing first. Then I help him regulate his. We repair.Through this cycle—rupture...