Trauma Bonding—a term that’s often misunderstood and sometimes avoided because naming it means facing the abuse beneath it. In this episode, I break down what a trauma bond is (and isn’t), why it’s more than “shared trauma,” and how it functions as an emotional and physical addiction. Then, we talk about something that might feel uncomfortable: the places where you do have control once you’ve recognized you’re trauma bonded.

I cover:

• The truth about intermittent reinforcement and why it keeps you hooked
• Why naming a trauma bond matters for healing
• How to treat it like an addiction without shaming yourself
• Small, doable ways to create space and reclaim your power
• How to stop looping on them and start focusing on you

Resources & Links:

• Join the Patreon: Exclusive bonus content, Q&A, unreleased material — https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy
• Trauma Bonding Playlist: Every episode I’ve recorded on this topic —
  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6iOynoEO7SelaOTe2yzne0?si=CvyvQYn9QWutSgYAJmG-8w&pi=o4AQRKjrQ_mh5
• Coaching & Support: emotionalabusecoach.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode explores one of the most insidious aspects of emotional abuse: shame offloading.

When someone can’t face their own emotional wounds—whether it’s failure, inadequacy, or internal contradictions—they often project that pain onto the person closest to them.

You become the emotional scapegoat, the one who’s blamed, punished, or humiliated—not because you did something wrong, but because they can’t sit with their own discomfort.

I walk through how this dynamic shows up in abusive relationships, how it fractures your sense of safety and self, and why the nervous system starts to adapt to the abuse as a form of survival.

I explore how abusers develop internal scripts to justify their behavior, how survivors unconsciously internalize those scripts, and what it takes to start breaking that pattern.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Why do emotionally abusive people double down on false narratives, deny reality, and convince themselves they’re the victim—even when they’re causing visible harm?

I'm joined by Paul Colaianni, host of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse podcasts and creator of The Healed Being program, one of the few resources for people who have been emotionally abusive and genuinely want to change.

We unpack one of the most confusing dynamics in abusive relationships: the distorted thinking that abusers use to justify their behavior and the self-protective systems that keep them from taking accountability.

We cover:

• Why abusers truly believe their own version of reality
• The psychology of self-righteousness, control, and emotional arrogance
• How survivors internalize blame and begin to question their own kindness
• The painful tipping point between self-sacrifice and self-protection
• What real change actually looks like—and why it often comes after the survivor walks away

Resources mentioned:

• The Mean Workbook by Paul Colaianni: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.gumroad.com/l/jkSo
• Jessica’s Boundaries Deep Dive + 1:1 Validation Calls: emotionalabusecoach.com
• The Unhooked Private Podcast & Course on the Cycle of Abuse: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/courses/unhooked

Work with me:
emotionalabusecoach.com
highconflictdivorcecoaching.com

Subscribe to my Substack:
jessicaknightcoaching.substack.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner