Why Talking It Through Isn’t Working

As the holidays wind down, many women are realizing that despite having the conversations, choosing their words carefully, and doing their inner work, nothing has really changed in their relationships.

In this episode, April explores why talking things through sometimes backfires — and why trying harder to more clear can actually keep you stuck.

The missing piece isn’t better communication.

It’s understanding the competitive vs. collaborative disconnect — and learning how to interrupt gridlock before real connection is possible.

In This Episode, We Explore:

• Why insight and self-awareness alone don’t create relational change
• How well-intended conversations can turn into new fights
• Why rehearsing conversations in your head rarely leads to breakthroughs
• The idea of “relational software” — unconscious templates that drive conflict
• The difference between a competitive mindset (me vs. you) and a collaborative mindset (us vs. the problem)
• Why collaborative people often over-function, explain, or justify — and why that backfires
• How competitive templates interpret explanation as dominance
• Why naming the dynamic matters more than arguing the content
• What it really takes to “open the door” so understanding is possible

Key Takeaways:

• You don’t need to be more patient, calmer, or clearer
• Change doesn’t come from one more perfectly worded conversation
• When one person is in competition and the other is seeking collaboration, conversations will stall
• You cannot explain someone out of a competitive stance
• Real change starts when you stop engaging in win/lose dynamics
• The work is not fixing yourself — it’s learning how to change the relational pattern

Questions to Reflect On:

• When conflict comes up, do I tend to explain, justify, or prove my point?
• What happens in my body when I feel dismissed or misunderstood?
• Do my conversations feel like a battle — even when that’s not my intention?
• What would change if my first goal was opening the door, not being understood?

About The Bold as Love Collective

This episode reflects the deeper work we practice inside The Bold as Love Collective — a small, intimate group for women who want to stop repeating the same relational patterns and learn how to navigate conflict, connection, and self-respect differently.

The group begins in January.

Details and the link to join.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

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Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.