Three Relationships, One Decade — What Changed When I Was Guided, Not Fixed

Before we get into this episode, I want to be clear about something.This isn’t a story about failed relationships.And it’s not about blaming the people I dated.It’s about patterns I didn’t recognize… needs I didn’t honor… and the quiet ways we can lose ourselves while trying to make something work.For nearly a decade, I didn’t date at all. And when I finally did, I moved through relationships believing that time, effort, and good intentions would naturally lead to clarity.What I didn’t understand back then was this:experience alone doesn’t equal growth — awareness does.What changed wasn’t the people.What changed was being guided — not fixed — into understanding myself.So, if you’ve ever felt behind in life…If you’ve ever ignored red flags because you didn’t want to be alone…If you’ve ever stayed in something long after your mind, heart, or body was trying to leave…You’re not alone.Before we go any further, I want to ask a few questions.You don’t need to answer them right now.You don’t need to figure anything out.Just notice what comes up as you listen.As I share my story, see if any of these feel familiar…What patterns have shown up more than once in my relationships — and how have I contributed to them?Not with judgment… but with honesty.Are there needs I tend to minimize or explain away to keep the peace?And what happens to me when I do that?When I’ve ignored red flags in the past, what was I afraid would happen if I listened to them?Do I see therapy or support as something that fixes people —or something that helps guide understanding?Where did that belief come from?What would it look like to believe I’m worthy of walking away from something that isn’t right for me —even if it isn’t “bad”?And am I choosing relationships based on familiarity…or alignment?Keep those questions in the background as we move forward.Welcome back to another episode of the Dancing with Depression podcast.I’m your host, Adam Turner.Up to this point, I’ve shared parts of my mental health journey — childhood experiences, medication, therapy, and the quiet battles we don’t always see coming.But today, we’re stepping into a chapter I haven’t really unpacked publicly: my relationship history… or honestly, the lack of one.This isn’t about retelling old drama.It’s about understanding how the experiences we avoid, ignore, or don’t fully process shape how we see ourselves — how we love — and how we struggle.And for me, that story really begins with a long pause.Once I entered college, dating stopped. Completely.And instead of learning relationships in real time — the way most people do in their late teens and early twenties — I stepped away.For an entire decade.I wasn’t incapable of connecting as proven by the strong friendships I built during that time – most of which I still have 30+ years later – so I didn’t avoid intimacy or vulnerability on purpose.I just wasn’t mature enough yet to understand them — and in that, I missed out on experiences that might have helped me grow sooner.At the time, I told myself I was avoiding drama.What I didn’t realize was that I was also avoiding growth.And that decision followed me longer than I understood.Looking back now, this is where the pattern quietly began.Fast forward 10 years, everything shifted. So, what the heck happened on 28 that led me to date after a 10-year hiatus? Well, the first thing that stood out was my confidence. No, I didn't grow an extra foot and become six feet, but it was at an all-time high and some of that was attributed to the money I was making.Wasn't crazy, it was just I felt confident. I had goals and felt like I had a path to achieve them.One day I noticed one of my neighbors coming back from the grocery store and so I said hello. I hadn't done that in a very long time. It was a short interaction, but since she was a neighbor, I was confident I'd see her again. Which I did.We started a real conversation with the usual questions like each other's names. And as I listened to her voice, I found myself concentrating, trying to determine where her accent was from. Admittedly, I was not and probably am still not considered a well-traveled person. So the combination of what I was seeing coupled with what I was hearing, it was confusing. I later found out she was born in Uganda and went to private school in Switzerland. So, it was an accent that I had recognized but wasn't sure how it tied together. For many people, red flags would have been popping up everywhere, but not for this naive fool.It was going to take a lot more than just an accent and the fact that we had nothing in common to stop the 10-year drought of talking to a stranger. As you guessed, the red flags appeared early and often, but I wanted nothing to do with them. I'm sure many of us can identify at least one relationship where we've done that. Right?My goal is not to portray any of these ...